Couple Breaks Up Over Cans of Beans, Because 2020
Ahh, remember March? Although just seven-ish months ago, it truly feels like a lifetime has elapsed since we were in that seemingly endless mess of a month. From hoarding toilet paper and panic buying everything from birdseed ...
... to condoms ...
... to ungodly amounts of frozen corn ...
The early days of quarantine pushed many of us to make some, um, interesting purchasing decisions as we collectively panicked over the impending Covid-19 pandemic. While to this day, we may still have stockpiles of toilet paper in our basements (cough, my mom, cough) and a few extra tubs of hand sanitizer laying around, for one couple, the mania at the beginning of Coronavirus marked the end of their relationship, more specifically, a buried stash of canned beans.
According to a post by the account of now-deleted Redditor, ThrowRA Bean Drama, which has since been immortalized on the Twitter account @redditships, as the very-warranted hype surrounding the Covid-19 pandemic grew, 30-year-old Bean Drama and his 30-year-old girlfriend did what many of us did in these unprecedented times, and bought a metric crapton (a.k.a 45 cans) of beans and chickpeas.
One day early this spring, Mr. Bean Drama decided he wanted to whip up a delicious vegetarian chili, looking to use two cans from their stash of hoarded beans in his culinary pursuit. Yet upon opening his cabinet, Bean Drama was surprised to find that all of their beans were gone. To quote Mr. Drama himself, "What the hell?"
Upon asking his girlfriend why their legume-y stockpile seemingly vanished, she said that she buried their beans in the woods, to quote Bean Drama, "'if things get bad,'" they may need to worry about "looters or whatever." After being told the absurdity of her logic, she grew angry, as In her mind, as according to Bean Drama, she says she felt she was simply " ... 'protecting our beans.'" While she told Mr. Drama she'd be willing to go to the stash and dig up a can or two, she'd prefer to save them for if/when "'things get worse.'"
I know what you're all thinking, and reader, Bean Drama was one step ahead of you. Why beans? Why bury can upon can of the magical fruit, when you could diversify your stash to include more valuable items? Well, while Bean Drama existed in 2020, his girlfriend was thriving in a post-apocalyptic hellscape -- or at least thriving in preparing for one. As "canned food was most valuable for long-term means," she said it would make more sense to order fresh food while they still could, continuing to stockpile more beans in the meantime. "She intends to go bury more beans in the woods every week," he wrote.
However, this intense doomsday preparation was just "too insane" for Bean Drama, and he demanded to know where the beans were buried, after all, a man just wants his damn vegetarian chili. Yet his girlfriend refused to budge, afraid he'd dig them up -- "damn right I would." It was soon clear Bean Drama's girlfriend was just intent on saving their stockpile. "'I will never jeopardize the beans,'" she told him. They didn't speak for the rest of that evening.
Unfortunately, according to a deleted post immortalized on Mashable, their relationship just couldn't survive bean-mageddon. "I have lost the love of my life because I couldn't let the damn beans go. My heart is shattered and my finances are jeopardized because of a bean hoard," he said, referencing the fact that he was now solely responsible for paying the entirety of his rent alone.
Seven months later, let's hope wherever this couple is, they've buried the hatchet -- er, or dug up the bean cans, in this case.