Fire Tornados In California Puts Us At 6/10 On The Biblical Plagues Checklist
Look, I know every other blogger and I keep hammering on how bad everything is and how the world seems on the brink of collapse. But this isn't one of those doomsday rants, promise. Instead, this article should serve as a personal plea: To whoever keeps asking, "How could this possibly get any worse?" every week, could you please stop? Because this shit keeps happening.
On Saturday, the residence of Lassen County, California, must've wearily sighed as they saw giant pillars of fire piercing through obsidian clouds. The county, 25 miles northwest of Reno, had been suffering from the Loyalton wildfire burning through 20,000 acres (one of several currently raging across the West Coast). But between the massive gust of winds and extreme heat, the land was primed for the eruption of the rare "fire-based tornado" or, as overly excited meteorologists call it, a firenado.
An incredibly rare phenomenon, firenadoes make up a giant column of fire that can reach up to 2,700 degrees Fahrenheit and speeds up to 165 mph. In 2018, one of these thermic twisters killed several people and caused mass evacuation. In Lassen, there could be up to five. That's terrible news for the California climate, but great news for preppers and cardboard sign guys keeping track of the 10 Biblical Plagues, that doomsday advent calendar where all the boxes contain a faceful of locusts. Let's see how many we've checked off recently:
- Water into Blood (double-check)
- Frogs
- Swarm of gnats (check)
- Vermin: (check)
- Pestilence of livestock: (check)
- Boils and disease: (c'mon)
- Thunderstorm of hail and fire (check)
- Locusts
- Darkness for three days
- Death of firstborn.
That's quite an ominous tally we've racked up so far. Of course, before the bible scholars come for me (they're worse than Taylor Swift stans), it should be pointed out that none of these things qualify as biblical plagues. There's nothing divine about climate change. In fact, the Torah thought lightning was just fancy fire (and that hail was the divine fusion of ice and fire), meaning the Egyptian "storm of fire" was just a regular thunderstorm. So by no metric is this like anything from the bible because ... it's worse? Either way, probably not a bad idea to expect to see future pop culture headlines like "The Locust Swarm Effect Explained In 10 'The Mummy' GIFs," "Hundreds Of YouTubers Hospitalized After Attempting The Kermit Challenge," and, of course, "Gen Z Is Killing The Firstborn Industry."
For more weird tangents that shall evoke the wrath of God, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
Top image:Oregon Department of Forestry, Flickr
