It's been a while since we heard anything of Jason Voorhees, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-wielding brute solely responsible for New Jersey's low teen pregnancy stats. Aside from a bland reboot a decade ago, the Friday The 13th franchise seems to have run out of steam, not knowing where to go next. After all, Jason's already been to Manhattan, space and, briefly, the very hot atmosphere of Earth-2.

But veteran creep meister Stephen King believes there's still one place to take the hockey-masked serial killer: inside his own mind.

This week, the overly prolific King shared on Twitter the one novel he regrets the most having left unwritten: I, JASON, a proposed standalone story of Jason Voorhees with an interesting introspective twist. Instead of having the deformed murderer be this distant, menacing force of nature prowling the peripheries of Lake Crystal, King's novel would have him be the main narrator, finally showing the hectic world of guidance counselor killing through the uneven eyes of the quasi-zombie himself.

Since Jason isn't exactly known for being a chatterbox, preferring to let his machete or sleeping bags do the talking, most of the story would need to involve his internal dialogue. And King reckons that would turn bleakly existential fast, with the monster realizing he is doomed to be "killed over and over again" by meddlesome teens like a Scooby-Doo villain trapped in a lethal Groundhog Day scenario.

While the idea of an emo-Voorhees sounds great, I'm not sure if I buy King's motivation. If anything would turn Voorhees neurotically introspective, it's not the dying but the boredom. Throughout the franchise's many installments, Jason doesn't actually get whacked that often. As an adult, his official death count stands at four-ish, as everyone agrees that the magic dagger fatality in Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday is some bullshit.

A fate that befalls the nigh-immortal Jason far more often is that he gets trapped or sealed away, having spent most of his adult un-life either chained at the bottom of Lake Crystal, tucked away in a cryogenic chamber like a freezer-burned Hungry Man dinner or slowly schlepping from Manhattan back to lower New Jersey while stinking of sewage.

That's still plenty of downtime for Jason to develop that rich internal life that Stephen King would like to explore. Alas, we'll likely never see the quiet, self-reflective take on depressed Hockey Machete guy as King claims he cannot be bothered to wade through all that Hollywood red tape to get his hands on the IP. But if Paramount, who currently own the original rights, knows what's good for them they'll greedily take this chance to revive Friday the 13th franchise and make a Stephen King movie in one fell swoop -- all for perhaps the cost of a large fish tank and a decent voiceover artist.

For more weird tangents and horror fanfic about Jasons (Bateman, Schwartzman, take your pick), do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Paramount Pictures

Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!


Forgot Password?