Cracked Investigates: Is Superman Circumcised?
Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat this premise here. This is an article speculating about Superman's foreskin or lack thereof. Does asking questions about Superman's penis make me a pervert? Well, probably, but you clicked on this article, so we're in this one together. But frankly I don't see us as perverts. Superman's dong is central to his identity. The guy wears underwear outside of his pants. He is the embodiment of manhood. Surely, we're all curious to know what exactly said manhood looks like? I was and, while it's hard to tell exactly how large his penis is considering the correlations between height and penis length are so shaky, and we can only guess wildly at how wrinkly his balls are, we can safely conclude the nature of Superman's foreskin. Thus, after much research and analysis, I have deduced that Superman is in fact not circumcised.
Hold your gasps, I'll explain. At first blush, you might think it's cut and dry that Superman is cut and dry. Most Americans are circumcised, and Superman is the American ideal. However, the facts for his circumcision simply aren't there. For one, Superman arrived on earth when he was two to three years old, typically much older than you'd be to get a circumcision. The Kents, being a wholesome Christian family from the Midwest, didn't really have much cultural or religious pressure to circumcise Clark. Even if they wanted to, no surgical tools would be able to pierce Clark's foreskin.
If Clark Kent did want to get a circumcision later in life, due to say, possible conversion to Judaism, he would need to be surgically operated on after first being weakened by Kryptonite. Very few humans possess Kryptonite, especially those who are allies of Superman. Batman does, and depending on whether he's on good enough terms with Superman at the time, he might be inclined to give Superman a circumcision ("I'll toss in neutering for Krypto too."). Except there is no indication that Batman has proper training as a mohel, which would render Superman's conversion incomplete. Oh, and for the record, we have definitive proof (NSFW) that Batman is circumcised (Did his doctor dad do it?).
There is the possibility that Superman was circumcised on Krypton, however, we're again left to speculate as to why that would be the case. The main religion of Krypton was Raoism, which Superman's family also seemed to adhere to, and there is no mention of circumcision being a Raoist ritual. Circumcision could also been have performed for hygienic reasons as it is on humans. But, it would be fair to speculate that because Kryptonian medicine was based around crystals rather than surgical tools, that they probably wouldn't elect for a surgical procedure to treat future instances of UTIs.
So there you go. It turns out that Green Arrow isn't the only hero sporting a hood if you know what we're saying. Should that change how you view Superman? That's up to you. We're just here to inform you of the issues. Now, if you'd please excuse me, I have to investigate whether Aquaman's butthole has gills.
Dan is on Twitter and will talk about life with you in lieu of getting a therapist and he also hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.
Top Image: DC Comics