Pizza-Fueled Lizard Broke The Constipation Record, RIP

What we're about to tell you is literally going to make you want to lose your shit.
Pizza-Fueled Lizard Broke The Constipation Record, RIP

If you're reading this while currently on the toilet, and we know you are, then consider it an extra dose of motivation. A team of herpetologists (the kind of nerd who studies reptiles and amphibians) from the University of Florida found a bulbous Northern curly-tailed lizard that broke the record for being the most constipated creature in existence. Here's a look at the CT scan.

You might have noticed that "holy shit, this thing is mostly shit," and you'd be right. Nearly 80% of its body mass is made up of fecal matter, which breaks the previous record of 78% full of shit held by the Trump administration. Hey-oh! But in all seriousness, it takes tremendous dedication to amass a dookie so big, and this lizard paid the ultimate price in doing so. Researches decided that the most humane option was to euthanize the lizard as further attempts to pass the turd would lead it to an even more painful death. "I was blown away by how little room there was left for all the other organs ... it only a tiny space leftover in its rib cage for the heart, lungs, and liver," said UF's Florida Museum director, Edward Stanley.

So how do you keep yourself from turning your bowels into quick-dry cement-like our poor lizard friend? Well, the researchers suspect that she (Yeah, she. If you thought this lizard was a dude the whole time then maybe you've got to get a little more open-minded about lizard poop.) gorged herself "on refuse from the Cocoa Beach pizza shop where she was found." Basically, she took in too much pizza grease. It sounds like the type of thing you'd expect more from a turtle of the teenage mutant ninja variety, but what do we know? We're not herpetologists. Whatever the case, rest in peace our unnamed, constipated Leiocephalus carinatus and poop well, dear readers. You never know if your next shit will be your last.

Dan is on Twitter and will talk about life with you in lieu of getting a therapist and he also hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.

Top Image: Gellinger/Pixabay


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