Like most YouTube stars, Logan Paul -- who always looks like he just farted and is excitedly waiting for the smell to hit you -- isn't known for his great decision-making skills or impulse control. But in a somber acknowledgment of his limitations, the matured 25-year-old has announced that he wishes to come to terms with his mistakes and right the wrongs of his past. But to do that, he needs you to give him thousands of dollars for his shitty couch.
People insane enough to be buying second-hand items during an infectious disease outbreak may have stumbled upon a steal on Craigslist, as Logan Paul is currently trying to get rid of his "fucking stupid" $90,000 couch for the perfectly reasonable couch price of $20,000. Why does his couch cost more than a luxury sedan? Because, likewise, it was made by Mercedes-Benz, famed for their engineering of stationary objects. It's also massive, with a size that "can comfortably sit over 10" (or five social media influencers and their egos). But the biggest selling point of this garish behemoth is its versatility. According to the ad, the set it can be shaped to spell both an O, as in "oh" or an S, as in "shit," like in the sentence: "Oh shit, I just spent $20,000 on a couch that looks like it belongs inside a failing New Jersey nightclub."
And you know who thinks you probably shouldn't buy this hemorrhoid-cushion inspired monstrosity? Logan Paul himself. On Instagram, Paul declared that buying this couch was "one of two regrets in my life" which is saying something coming from a dude who lives life like he's the offspring of Charlie Sheen and a sentient Red Bull can that wished to become a real boy. That leaves only a single regret slot left to be filled by his many, many, many other terrible life decisions.
Is his other one the time he almost lost his YouTube account after posting a video of him tasering a bunch of dead rats? Or the time Paul bragged he could take Conor McGregor in a fight and then subsequently got his ass kicked by a YouTube comedy rapper? Is it the time he went on Law & Order: SVU and Ice T called him a "dumb fuck?" Or was it when he went on an asshole bender in Japan, wandered into its Suicide Forest and recorded a video of him finding a hanged suicide victim with all the dignity and somberness of someone discovering his friends bought him a corpse pinata?
It's none of those. Obviously, Logan Paul's only regret, outside of stupid furniture purchases, was the time he went on Fox Business to rant like wacked-out serial killer about bankrupting himself on stupid impulse purchases and how he keeps getting contagious pink eye. Because that's going to further hamper his chances of selling this gross couch.
For more weird tangents or to make an offer on his $100,000 Rolls Royce bean bag chair, you can follow Cedric on Twitter.
Top Image: Luigi Novi/Wikimedia Commons