Disney Finally Runs Out Of Good Movies, Reveals Bambi Remake

In its ongoing scheme to digitize the entire film industry and pay for it entirely through parents' desire to get their kids to shut up for two hours, Disney is just going wild in remaking its old animated catalog. And just in time for it to enter the public domain, Disney will be remaking 1940's Bambi, the coming-of-age story of a young buck and his rabbit and skunk pals as they, uhm, as they ... exist? Is that the plot? Does this movie even have one of those?

He gets a butterfly on his butt. Does that count?DisneyHe gets a butterfly on his butt. Does that count?

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Not that it matters much, Disney remakes like Bambi serve about as much cinematic purpose as going to your friend's house to see them brag about their new graphics card. Bad news for people who actually love these old movies, but great news for parents who hate their kids, as seven-year-olds across the globe will get to see a very realistic-looking deer experiencing very realistic looking things like his mom being shot, dragged through her own viscera, and thrown onto the bed of a Chevy Silverado.

If the VFX team really nails it, his cute little deer ear'll twitch every time the truck nuts jangle through the vibration of his mom's spasming corpse.DisneyIf the VFX team really nails it, his cute little deer ear'll twitch every time the truck nuts jangle through the vibration of his mom's spasming corpse.

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As harrowing as that sounds, at least this means we're finally done. It's over. After this year's announced remakes of *inhales sharply* Mulan, Cruella, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Peter Pan, The Sword in the Stone, Lilo & Stitch, Pinocchio and, amazingly, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Bambi is the milquetoast coda signifying that there are no more Disney animal movies worth CGI-ing. Everything now left in the vault is either too recent (like The Princess & The Frog), too obscure (like The Rescuers), too unprofitable (like everything made between '99 and '08), or just 126 minutes worth of classical music and PTSD (like Fantasia).

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That just leaves Robin Hood, but that's an IP so wrung out even Disney wouldn't try to squeeze blood from it, and ... The Aristocats? Wait, Disney hasn't announced a CGI remake of The Aristocats? They're not doing the box office smash about cats and kittens doing silly kitty things? In this age? It would make a trillion dollars! What could possibly prevent Disney from wanting to remind 21st-century audiences about their cat movie with all its iconic characters like...

Oh.DisneyOh.

You can find more of Cedric's work, and cats, and racism, on the internet.

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