For people who grew up with Disney movies and anything starring Hugh Grant, little is more enticing than the idea of getting slipped some glass by a prince or princess charming, being adored by someone themselves lousy with adoration. And that's a dream only enforced by the magic of online apps, that tantalizing thought that you're only one swipe away from winning over a recently single Mila Kunis who now magically lives around the corner from you in Butte, Montana.
It is this hope that was reignited by Sharon Stone, a name that causes an entire generation of men and women to immediately cross their legs, when she recently pleaded with woman-centric hookup app Bumble to unblock her account so she could continue her on her quest for some capital D dating. The app was quick to comply, claiming they only blocked her because everyone assumed the Sharon Stone account had to be a fake -- even though that's not how online dating scams work. Not even spambots and catfishers think their marks are stupid enough they'll think they have a shot with the lady from The Quick and the Dead just by buying a random Chinese game app.
The real fakery question to ask is: do celebrities like Sharon Stone actually use their mortal dating apps? Well, yes, they do, and no, they absolutely don't. While it's true that celebrities are just like us, they're being just like us behind a velvet rope and a bouncer with Russian prison tattoos and that same mentality applies to their dating sites. Most rich and famous use apps like Raya, also known as "Illuminati Tinder," the Uber Helicopter of online dating where you're less likely to match with a divorced realtor than the monkey-loving son of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The main feature of an app like Raya is exclusivity, granting access only to famous creatives as decided by a shadowy cabal of influencers who we assume use the same metrics as casting directors or mean girls when they're deciding how best to cyberbully you.
Whenever A-list actors and comedians do claim to have tried out apps like Bumble or Match.com, it appears they were less trawling for dates than for mildly amusing anecdotes to tell on Jimmy Fallon. Like Zac Efron, who has also claimed in glossy interviews he couldn't get anyone to swipe on his Tinder profile because everyone thought he was fake. In fact, only a single demigod, Katy Perry, has opened up about seriously having used Tinder, even having gone on a single regular person date before giving up hope and just settling for marrying Orlando Bloom and his paddleboarding penis.
So sorry, dudes who kinda look like Michael Douglas, the only one who ever had a chance to score with Stone was Bumble themselves, who've got loads of free publicity as a dating app so good and pro-women Hollywood's most sexually aggressive icon will beg to use it. Meanwhile, this is the first time in a decade anyone has talked about Sharon Stone without mentioning how disappointingly groin-free Basic Instinct 2 was. (And if you put it like that, this all sounds a lot more like a savvy P.R. move than just the online bumblings of a 61-year-old actor with the same wide-eyed naivete of any thirsty single mom venturing out of the safety of Match.com.)
If you want to know more about your chances of dating the posters in your old bedroom, you can always ask Cedric on Twitter.