Sea Lions Commandeer Ship, Declare War On Mankind

Attention on deck, sailor, we have a situation. As of twenty hundred hours yesterday, reports have been coming in that a U.S. civilian ship has been hijacked by ruthless pirates. All attempts at parlay have been for naught, and vessels have been put on high alert until the threat has been eliminated or someone finds a bucket of pilchard to buy them off.

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Distressing footage captured near Olympia, Washington, shows two ruthless pinniped privateers having taken control of a human ship. And this is no small boat either. Steller sea lion bulls, which are native to the area, can be up to 11 feet long (and wide, apparently) and weigh up to a metric ton. It makes no difference. Under maritime law, this is a clear act of piracy, leaving the United States no choice but to declare war and engage with the seal navy. Soon, both blood and blubber will be spilled and the sight of bombed rookeries will dot the coastlines.

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Do not feel sorry for these mustached marauders. This is by no means their first act of war. Huge sea lion invasions have become a regular sight on coastlines all along the Pacific, with waves of manatee marines storming our beaches and marinas to, well, hang out -- for now. But nothing has been able to stop them from invading our peaceful lands, despite local forces deploying our most advanced military deterrents ... that we're allowed to use on threatened species. So, mostly bright streamers, small slingshots and unconvincing plastic coyotes.

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But make no mistake, this is not the first assault on a human vehicle, and it won't be the last. First, it's pleasure boats, then what? Cargo ships? Coast guard patrol boats? Before long we've lost every aircraft carrier in the Gulf to these navy seals. And when that day comes (not if, but when), we will curse ourselves for teaching them how to honk those silly horns in Seaworld, imbuing them with exactly the fine motor skills needed to press that big red button on our nuclear subs.

For more weird tangents and anti-seal rhetoric, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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