Without its actors, Star Wars would be nothing but a bunch of kooky puppets and CGI. I mean, could you imagine what that would be like? Anyway, in the meantime, flesh-and-blood people appear in these movies. And while many of these actors have become pop culture icons, that doesn't mean that they don't have some spectacularly embarrassing stuff on their resumes. For example ...

Secret Agent 00 Soul -- Billy Dee Williams Stars In The World's Most Insane Bond Parody

If you met a general manager of a regional gas company who was never not wearing capes, you'd probably be a tad weirded out. Somehow, though, Lando Calrissian managed to pull it off. And charm machine Billy Dee Williams is reprising his role in The Rise Of Skywalker, in which he'll apparently rediscover his passion for bright yellow shirts.

But Billy Dee hasn't only been in blockbuster space operas. One of the oddest titles in his filmography is Secret Agent 00 Soul, a straight-to-video James Bond parody so bad that even its poster looks like it's been sun-bleached.

FULL CAST AND CREW I TRIVIA I USER REVIEWS 1 IMDbPro 1 MORE Secret Agent OO 3.2 + 129 Soul (1990) Action, Comedy BILLY DEE WILLIAMS James Brown I, als
IMDB
This was after Jedi, by the way. Guy blows up the second Death Star and immediately gets downgraded to the filler section of a Family Video.

Directed by Williams' stunt double from Return Of The Jedi, the movie follows Bond-like secret agent James Brown III, who quits the spy game in the opening minutes. He then opens a private detective office above a greasy spoon diner. Despite this, like Bond, he's often in a tux and is all about romancing the ladies. Early on, he invites an attractive colleague back to his apartment for drinks.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment

We can see where this is go- no wait, their date gets interrupted by a phone call informing him that she's secretly an agent for British Intelligence ... and his daughter!

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment
"She followed a strange man in a tux to his apartment above a Waffle Hut. Did you not suspect something was up?"

Gross. Maybe the writers thought that after Star Wars, the combination of Billy Dee Williams and narrowly avoided incest was box office gold. The rest of the movie follows Agent 00 Soul, the daughter he almost made out with (or worse), and his idiot son on a series of loosely connected adventures that are also completely insane. At one point, he investigates a lead on a possible Russian agent, and ends up in a haunted house full of rapping and dancing mummies.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment

Later they go undercover, and "Junior" takes out a room full of armed thugs using only a noxious fart.

Xenon Entertainment

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment
OK, so maybe this movie isn't all bad.

And we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that Williams spends the climax dressed like Dracula, for some reason.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Xenon Entertainment
He failed to make it to "blood," and just stopped at "suck."

This movie didn't come out in the midst of professional doldrums. This was Williams' follow-up to Batman. He starred in the biggest movie of the year, then this fart-filled nightmare.

Hollywood Vice Squad -- Carrie Fisher Beats The Shit Out Of Pornographers

The late great Carrie Fisher was a wonderful actress, brilliant writer, and would probably be the first to admit that she's starred in some turds. Like, movies so bad that they make her ballad about the wonders of Life Day seem genius. One of the worse was 1986's Hollywood Vice Squad, which also starred Frank Gorshin (aka TV's Riddler) and the biggest Travolta they could afford ... Joey. Fisher plays a vice cop who is undercover as a sex worker when we first meet her. She encounters a man who wants to introduce her to "Mike."

Looking for something?
Cinema Group

-You, me, and Mike.
Cinema Group

Of course, Mike turns out to be ... a glowing dildo with the guy's face drawn on it?!

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Cinema Group
Forget Fisher; now we want an origin movie for this guy.

Later, she coincidentally stumbles upon an S&M porn shoot in a neighbor's backyard.

-tBarry Cee ler's o e afrld te hanrt the HM ere.
Cinema Group

what do ou thiok wo're making. Mary roppins?
Cinema Group
Clearly, someone didn't see the Special Edition.

She overhears that one of the actors is only 16, so she and some other cops surveil the house. In the end, they decide to burst into this private residence with no warrant and randomly attack literally everyone involved in the production. They even rough up the actors, whom they're supposedly protecting. One of them shoves a gun right in an unarmed woman's face.

TFrankie] You shut the fuck upf
Cinema Group

The producer tries to escape, but Fisher clubs him half to death, then calls him a "barf bag."

(loud thudding)

-Please try to run. bart bag.
Cinema Group
Thankfully, this didn't replace "May the Force be with you" as her catchphrase.

Corvette Summer -- Mark Hamill Was In The Dude, Where's My Car? Of The '70s

Mark Hamill followed the success of playing Luke Skywalker with Corvette Summer, a movie that marketed itself as "What if the dude from Star Wars got a boner next to a sports car?"

MARK ANNIE HAMILL POTTS who you loved who you'll in Star Wars never forget And he thoueht fast CArs ter a thrllt... corvelle Susnen METTHGAS BS MOAE

Hamill plays a teen who ventures out of his small town and into a larger world -- not because of stolen battle station plans, but because of a stolen Corvette which he was restoring for auto class. Instead of the Millennium Falcon, he hitches a ride to Vegas from Vanessa (Annie Potts), a "prostitute in training" driving a beat-up "mobile sex van."

I'm a hooker, for Christ''s sake!
United Artists

I mean there comes a time when every amateur goes pro.
United Artists

You might assume that this freewheeling '70s comedy would be chill about this, but it, um, isn't. Hamill, for instance, is super judgmental.

You really make sick. You me know that?
United Artists
It's also possible he's talking to himself for agreeing to do this.

He ends up finding the car, learning that it was stolen by a crime ring run by his teacher, absurdly. So he ... takes a job with them? Imagine if Luke Skywalker finally made it to the Death Star, only to fill out an application to become a stormtrooper. After earning a bit of cash, he decides to buy a night with Vanessa, his friend. She ends up giving him a "freebie."

Come on
United Artists

Hamill eventually gets the car back, quits the gang, and goes after Vanessa, whom he's fallen for. She's busy shooting porn, so he breaks into the set like a goddamn psychopath and orders her to leave. (Some strange common threads in these movies.)

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
United Artists

You in the tub
United Artists

You're checking out.
United Artists
Now there's the face of our longest-running Joker.

She doesn't cooperate, so he abducts her while she screams for help.

I'm not going to.... Who do you think you are, anyway?
United Artists

You have no right to take me anywhere!
United Artists

This paves the way for a happy, romantic ending.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
United Artists
Instead of, say, a trial for trespassing, assault, and kidnapping.

A Majority Of One -- Sir Alec Guinness Plays ... A Japanese Guy?

Classing up the original Star Wars was legit knight Alec Guinness, who clearly wasn't thrilled to be working with a bunch of fake robots and "Tennyson Ford." Guinness was in some of the greatest movies ever made. A Majority Of One is not among them. The mostly-forgotten 1961 film follows an old Jewish woman whose son died in World War II. Despite the fact that she pretty much hates the Japanese, she agrees to take a cruise to Japan with her daughter. On the ship, she meets a handsome Japanese businessman, who's played by the super not Japanese Guinness.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Warner Bros.
"The secret to perfect Asian acting is squinting."

From a certain point of view ... no it's still terrible. While Guinness occasionally dabbled in playing other ethnicities (Lawrence Of Arabia, for example), this one is especially cringey. He just talks in a British accent, occasionally swapping his Ls and Rs. Most disquietingly, he has some kind of creepy prosthetics over his eyes. What follows is a love story in which Guinness teaches the American about Japanese culture.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Warner Bros.

5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles
Warner Bros.
Cultural knowledge which must have been super lacking at the time for anyone to accept Alec Guinness as Asian.

The most galling part is that the story itself isn't that bad, but the whitewashing completely undercuts its message. And this wasn't a thing that happened all the time back in the ancient 1960s; it raised eyebrows even then. The Harvard Lampoon gave the movie an award for "most flagrant example of miscasting."

George Takei, who played Guinness' butler in the film, was excited at first to be working with one of his heroes. But then he was "shocked" when Sir Alec showed up with the "grotesquely offensive" makeup. According to Takei, not only was Guinness' accent bad, but his Japanese was also "incomprehensible gibberish."

Little Italy -- Hayden Christensen Stars In A Baffling Rom-Com

We don't blame Hayden Christensen for the shittiness of the prequels. You try to deliver a dramatic monologue about the evils of sand and see how it turns out. But the former Anakin Skywalker also starred in one of the worst pizza-themed Canadian romantic comedies of recent years. Little Italy stars Christensen as Leo, who hooks up with childhood friend Nikki, played by Emma Roberts. Though Christensen is a full decade older than Roberts, they are alleged to be the same age. We even see them in flashbacks as children.

Jar's oavEb
Lionsgate

VINCE'S - te P122A
Lionsgate
Though we guess it's only fitting that he gets to be on the other side of a creepy age dynamic for once.

They're the offspring of rival pizza shop owners. And just because it's Canadian doesn't mean it's not crammed full of casual racism. For example, one of the employees at one pizzeria is Indian, so the boss calls him "Slumdog."

Go Jogi goJaiho. Slumdodt
Lionsgate
But people were more casual about such jokes way back in, er, 16 months ago.

Just how bitter is this pizza parlor rivalry? Christensen's dad gets his oregano spiked with marijuana. Which seems like an expensive way to exact revenge. In a scene that makes Reefer Madness seem understated, everyone who eats the pot-laced pizza starts dancing on tables as if they just snorted Pop Rocks. It also makes them super horny, for some reason. When the Indian employee tries to convince an elderly woman to come down, she hits on him and calls him "Aladdin."

IN Get downrom there. madaml Sir!
Lionsgate

Take m O your mnagic carpet ride. Aladdin!
Lionsgate

And because he ate some pot too, he's totally into getting dry-humped by one of the Golden Girls.

FIst. ler me show you m Indian rope trick.
Lionsgate

CYIT mycore is very knotty!
Lionsgate
At this point, we could just start making up what happens next, because that line absolutely cleared the theater of anyone who could dispute us.

Soon the cops arrive, and one of the officers immediately begins molesting Leo in front of all his friends and family, either because she also ate the sex-pizza or she's just a terrible person.

-I'm gonna go south now. okay? - Hey. now...
Lionsgate

-YOu packing heat here. mister? -Hands off!
Lionsgate
From here, the plot doesn't turn into a complicated legal drama about suing the police, and we're not sure why.

In the end, Roberts and Hayden get drawn into their parents' rivalry and compete in a pizza cook-off, which is oddly happening alongside a bikini competition. Nikki heads to the airport to fly back to London, where she was visiting from. She has a major career opportunities there, having graduating from culinary school. Leo follows her to the airport, and like so many rom-com leads before him, he asks her to stay. Just to be clear, he has nothing going on in Toronto; he just works in his dad's pizza shop and is itching to get out himself. There's no reason he couldn't go with her instead of asking her to sacrifice what she's built for herself in London. Even the TSA agent implores her not to stay.

Don't change your plans for no man.
Lionsgate
"If you run, I'll trip him."

Sadly, she doesn't listen.

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