John Connor Time-Manipulates His Friend Into Banging His Mom
Civilization may have been reduced to rubble in The Terminator, but the desperate apocalyptic survivors still cling to the cornerstones of American values: guns, freedom, and lusting after each other's mothers. In all of these senses, Kyle Reese is one of America's greatest patriots. He's sent to prevent the extermination of all mankind via a liberal application of bullets and future-wang.
In this case, it's known as a "Michael Biehn-nis."
John Connor, the greatest commander of the human resistance, sends Reese back in time to thwart an evil murderbot who wants to kill Connor's mom and, by extension, Connor himself. What Reese doesn't know is that he also has a secret secondary objective: to score with Connor's mom like he's in an '80s sex comedy. That's why Conner handed Reese an unsolicited photo of Sarah well before the vital mission as if it were a casual gift between friends: "Here's a picture of my mom when she was young and, like, super horny, bro. Just sayin'."
"I'll be back ..." *unzips pants*
All goes according to plan, and Reese falls in love with that photograph -- y'know, as one does with blurry, filthy Polaroids of people's mothers brooding dramatically. In his words: "John Connor gave me a picture of you once. I didn't know why at the time. It was very old -- torn, faded. You were young like you are now. You seemed just a little sad. I used to always wonder what you were thinking at that moment. I memorized every line, every curve ... I came across time for you, Sarah. I love you; I always have."
"I came across time for you" is a lot more poetic than "Your son gave me a photo of you that I masturbated to."
Sarah falls in love with Reese in part because he tells her that. He informs her that her unborn son manipulated Reese into being obsessed with her, and that apparently gets her motor revving. This is an ouroboros of weirdness. Reese falls in love with Sarah before he even goes back, mostly because he really likes her son. Sarah falls in love with Reese because her unborn son set them up, and she really likes her future son's taste in dudes. They're lucky they had a Terminator chasing them, which left little time to consider these implications, because nothing wilts a boner like trying to solve a time-traveling Oedipal jigsaw puzzle.
Padme Isn't Statutory Raping Anakin, But Like ... Only Barely
Everything in the Star Wars prequels is poorly written, and yet Padme and Anakin's relationship still manages to stands out as particularly awful. Even setting aside clunky ramblings about sand, nothing about their budding relationship is okay. For starters, when they meet, Anakin is only nine years old, while she's 14. A mere five years may not seem like a huge age difference in the long run, but that's vital timing. She'd be a freshman getting into high school, and he'd be a fourth-grader getting into SpongeBob. And further, she's the queen of an entire damn planet, while he is a slave child who almost certainly hasn't had "the talk" yet.
"Watto says, 'Boys have a lightsaber; girls have a sarlacc.'"