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Love stories are a lot like Doritos: there are countless variations, each dressed up differently with new names, but we all know it's the same two goddamn flavors every time. The common threads running through all movie romances are: love conquers all (Nacho Cheese) or love is blind (Cool Ranch), and sometimes both at the same time. It works because we let it work, and keep coming back for more despite how absurd it gets. But if we take a moment to refuse the suspension of disbelief, and explore the implausible nature of a few famous love stories, we can call shenanigans now and possibly prevent the release of X-13D: A Romantic Comedy in the near future.
#5.
Original Star Wars Trilogy: Leia and Han Solo
Why it Will Never Work: Han's Looming Unemployment and Deteriorating Self Worth. Han and Leia overcome checkered pasts, experimentation with incest and a general distaste for one another to form a love so powerful it couldn't all be included in the final cut of The Return of the Jedi. Also on the cutting room floor: the 4am fights, alcoholism and murder suicide that inevitably follow. We totally understand that the "Princess and the Bad Boy" element is what was supposed to make us swoon--half of Hollywood romances are based on that. So let's say that they can overcome the distance caused by differences in socioeconomic status ( which psychologists tell us is no small barrier). But that can't bring Han and Leia down, they were united by the cause of the galactic rebellion! She respects him as a brave and passionate fighter for all that she believes in, and is entitled to! Ah, about that. See, the war kind of ends when the second Death Star blew up. These two had never met before the war--literally every single activity and conversation they've shared has revolved around it. They don't know each other in any other context (this sort of thing is one reason why marriages hurriedly rushed into during wartime don't last as evidenced by divorce rates going up after ever major war since divorce was invented). Soldiers don't always adjust well to not being soldiers. But that actually leads to another problem. What is Han's job when there isn't a war on? He's a smuggler, a guy with a shitty car who owes money on every planet and always shoots first in a fight.
Of course, he was smuggling things past the evil Empire, which no longer exists. So does he go back to that job, only now smuggling things that the new government doesn't approve of? Space-crack and child slaves? How will the royal princess feel about that? What's the alternative, she gets him a job as a diplomat? Yeah, we can totally see that working out. So either Han is unemployed (and the effects of unemployment on a marriage are devastating). Or, maybe he becomes the legal version of a smuggler. That is, a highway trucker. No matter how you slice it, the skills that made him the coolest man in the galaxy don't exactly translate to a 9-to-5 job. Compound Han's deteriorating self worth with Leia's royal sense of entitlement and it's impossible that this love connection ends in anything other than spousal abuse.
#4.
The Little Mermaid: Eric and Ariel
Why it Will Never Work: Unrealistic Compromise. Nobody takes a more blatant approach to proving love is blind than Disney. Their insistence on interspecies relationships boarders on obsessive, and The Little Mermaid was the first of these fetish-films. The basic plot revolves around Ariel giving up her life, her voice and a healthy chunk of her anatomy to be with Eric. Meanwhile, he is faced with the arguably less complex dilemma of choosing between a brunette and a redhead.
If that sounds like a bad deal, it's more than that--in the world of relationship counseling they call that kind of compromise a "Marriage Annihilator." Or at least they should. Bad, one-sided compromises are one of the biggest reasons for failed marriages and relationships. Ask anybody you know who gave up a job for a relationship, and you will hear the phrase, "Well I certainly didn't move across the country for THIS!" echo back from the hallow place where their capacity to love used to be. Sure, by the end of the film Eric and Ariel end up together, married as humans, and presumably happy. But even for a cartoon, that shoddy closure is too ludicrous to ignore. Ariel is a teenager, and, as she proves throughout the rest of the film, susceptible to the same impulsive stupid decisions as any non-Mermaid teenager. She literally gives up everything she's ever known to be with someone who can't decide between her and another girl he just met. This isn't just compromise, it's identity annihilation--total surrender to do Whatever It Takes To Get The Guy. And one day she'll grow up enough to realize it. This relationship is doomed to end with Ariel either feeling resentful and homesick, or physically sick when she discovers sex is more than just releasing a sack of eggs for him to crop-dust with semen.
#3.
Star Trek: Spock (Zachary Quinto) and Nyota Uhura (Zoe Saldana)
Why it Will Never Work: Emotional Unavailability. In the new Star Trek reality created by J.J. Abrams, Spock and Uhura are copulation partners (that's the proper Vulvan term, right?) proving that Spock, like his father, has a weakness for human flesh.
As a human, Uhura experiences every situation, determines how it affects her and reacts based on the emotions it elicits. But Spock, true to his Vulcan nature, displays the classic symptoms of emotional unavailability. It's bred into him that Vulcans pride themselves on squelching any emotional displays in favor of cold, calculating logic. Those are awesome traits for troubleshooting a starship's warp coil, but not so much for making a female human feel loved. We humans are pretty much programmed this way from birth, as scientists recently figured out with this terrifying experiment where they observed the effects of staring coldly at a baby: So it's no surprise that emotional unavailability leads to disengagement from the relationship. Uhura would only put up with Spock's post-sex, "You continue to perform admirably" so many times before she would walk out. Unless she demands he utterly and completely change his personality, which of course brings us right back around to that compromise thing we just talked about with the mermaid. He would simply no longer be Spock. Assuming they are together long enough to have a child, it can look forward to a distant father and a frustrated mother. The only silver lining is the kid will never be bullied in the inverted breasts of knowledge on Vulcan since the planet no longer exists.
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Nerds just can't take a joke.
The one about Dances with Wolves is completely wrong. John Dunbar was not held captive by the Sioux, he was there guest. He was free to come and go as he pleased. Nither was Stand's with a Fist. Her family was killed by Pawnee and she was taken in by the Sioux. John Dunbar enjoys the tribe and joins them of his own free will.
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Leia/Han...not working? Possibly...actually, very likely. But Han has suffered a deterioration of personal worth? Um...no. The guy helped the Rebellion win. He was on the side that won, that gets to write the history books, and Luke Skywalker's personal friend. That guy is protected forever.
I agree with the Star Trek one very much. Vulcan marriages should be about a mutual business partnership. Romance has no place in a Vulcan relationship.
Ever seen a toddler chase the dot of a laser pen & cry/stop crying when you turn it off & on? It's funny.
Before Disney changed the story, the prince marries the other chick & the Little Mermaid ends the story by committing suicide. It was supposed to be one of those stories with a moral ending. That's nothing compared to the hoseing down they gave Sleeping Beauty.
& uh, Shrek is not Disney. You shoulda gone for Gargoyles there.
Disney should be illegal. At least they shouldnt have the right to rape other people's stories and twist them into unrealistic "goals" for children to try and fail at.
nonsense, han and leia would last.
This is a ridiculous attempt to create a cracked article. Should be retitled to be "5 Movie Romances That Won't Last (According to Me)."
I don't agree with the Star Wars and The Little Mermaid opinions. These are meant to be science fiction and fantasy, in Star Wars case a little of both. I guess I don't like the title of the article.
Nobody cares what you think about those 'opinions', because you failed to point out contrary evidience. I understand that Han might earn smuggler cash by trafficking the same goods- since the New Republic, I believe, doesn't like drugs- but how about Ariel's inbalanced compromise? You seem to be suffering from 'sci-fi-and-fantasy-isn't-serious' syndrome, Jeanette.
And it breaks my heart.
While #5 might be true, you have to remember that in the Star Wars universe, there is an armed conflicted almost every week. Someone's always dividing the Galaxy into Civil War at some point. Hell, once the Empire is dealt with, The Yuushan Vong show up and start killing things for no apparent reason.
/This/ Crack-ie would like to point out that the title includes (in parentheses, which are THESE HERE) "According to Science". Meaning, not your Canon or your Wiki...but IN REAL LIFE.
BUT, it's true, Spock was known to show a significant amount of consistent affection to someone in the Original Series/Movies I-VI:
McCoy [to Spock]: "Why you wouldn't know what to do with a geniune /warm/ decent feeling."
Spock: "Really, doctor?"
McCoy: "....I know, I miss Jim too."
- 'Bread and Circuses'
That is all.
That's kind of the point, though. Writer ignored at least half of what was happening in each other these movies to make their point, when the ignored half would suggest a totally different outcome. In science, you can't base a theory off of half the information taken out of context, you have to account for every bit of data, even if it's to explain why certain bits are unrelated and only exist as a coincidence.
Just look at wookieepedia.Han and Leia live happily ever after,and have multiple children.Also,the war didn't end,they just killed the emporor.As stated in another article,It's like what would happen if the president died while he was at the Pentagon because it blew up.
Bender's final air-punch was more an expression of jubilation (i.e. "Score!"), but he most certainly DID portray anti-social behavior throughout the film. Sure, he had character development just like the rest (most notably taking all of the blame for the kids' misadventure halfway through the movie,) but he still spent most of the time throwing tantrums and practically flipping the bird both to his peers AND to the principal. NOT my idea of an ideal husband. And I'm a straight guy - I'm just saying he's the kind of guy who would almost CERTAINLY fall into the spousal-abuse trap.
Not to mention the fact that he's emotionally abusive throughout the whole movie. In fact, an element yet to be mentioned is the fact that their whole relationship began because Bender offered himself to Claire as someone who could "upset her parents." Its like their basing their relationship on him being antagonistic.
This article overlooks the higher truth: no romances last. They either end quickly or last but stop being romances.
Me bitter.
Clearly.
Sorry, but there are several things wrong with the logic/facts of this article. In no particular order: 1. As people have already stated, both Han and Leia are independently wealthy. Han wins a PLANET. 2. Spock is perfectly able to feel/convey human emotions due to having a human mother and visibly reacts to insults from both peers/superiors when she/his semi-humanity are insulted. 3. There was never a relationship between Bender and Claire. They shared a moment come the end and she gave him an earring to remember her by, but both seemed to realize than anything further than that just wouldn't work out. 4. Eric never gets to CHOOSE between Ariel/Ursula. Ursula uses her magic to hypnotize/enslave him or whatever. Once the conch she is using to cast the spell is broken, he wakes up and defends/tries to save Ariel.
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I totally agree . It seems they did not watch these movies
I think you're just as guilty of only seeing the parts of the stories that you want to as the author of the article. Specifically, it's not so much Han's current wealth that matters, but the wealth of his parents. That's the whole point of the article that was linked.
Haha, the punch at the end of The Breakfast Club was a warm-up! That really made me LOL.
I read the first one and now I'm walking away. Anyone with half a brain can figure out that killing one maniacal dictator does not stop an independently run military. You really think the Emperor took over the whole galaxy and didn't install a back-up plan? That's f**king stupid.
And anyone with half a brain can figure out that this is a comedy site and that Star Wars SPOILER is not real.
Dude, it's in the books (which are considered canon.)
on #3 -
Spock is half human. His mother was human and his behaivour will have been influenced by her emotions when he was a child. Hence that scene (which you touched on but didn't seem to understand)where he is being bullied for feeling human emotions, then he has an outburst. In addition, the development and reveal of his emotions takes a large part in his section of the plot.
So basically Spock is perfectely able to understand and feel emotions - not only are his emotions encouraged by his mother, but also by his father in that scene where he tells spock that he loved ol' mrs spock.
Thank you. I was totally thinking the same thing after I read this.
1. Pretty much everything that happened after Return of the Jedi renders your entire Han/Leia argument moot.
2. Shrek is not a Disney film, so I'm not sure why you linked to it as an example of Disney's interspecies relationships. I can think of another movie recently that's actually Disney and was an interspecies romance, sort of. Something about a ... princess ... and a ... frog ...?
Hit it right on the head. ARE YOU READY?
Two points about Star Wars: One, unemployment becomes pretty meaningless when both partners are independently wealthy. And two, Leia's brother is a *Jedi*- even in a worst-case-marriage-scenario, how stupid would Han have to be to abuse a woman whose brother could strangle him from across the room?
Nope, I call shenanigans.
i totally agree with you. Cracked was wrong on that one