Facebook Workers Get An A.I. To Handle Disappointed Parents

'Tis the season, and so millions of young people are in the processing of having to return home, reconnect with family and answer invasive questions by their horrible aunt. And none are more nervous about that than Facebook employees, who are dreading a tiny house hearing of their own. So in preparation, they've been advised to consult the company's unfeeling artificial intelligence which does nothing but parrot vapid platitudes about Facebook's lack of ethics. And if Mark Zuckerberg isn't available, to use the chatbot instead.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

What with giving their youth and dignity to a corporation that invades people's privacy, promotes hate speech, and undermines democracy, many Facebook workers are expecting some pretty confrontational questions from their families and friends. That's why the company has developed an artificial intelligence assistant to make sure its employees never have to have a real conversation with their loved ones. According to the New York Times, the chatbot, named Liam Bot, is accessible on employee phones and is programmed with all the official company answers like a See 'n' Say of corporate P.R. truisms.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Thanks to Liam Bot, employees now have ready-made answers for counter pesky parent questions like "Do you really work a place that lets politicians lie on their ads for money?" or "Why couldn't you have become a meth head like your cousin, Two-Teeth Anthony?" much more elegantly than the previous strategy of subtly reminding your aunt during Charades that you've read her private messages to her Crossfit trainer. And if you think it's a bit weird for them to constantly be checking their phone while having serious ethics conversations with relatives, these are Facebook employees -- that chatbot has a better chance of passing the Turing test than they do.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

But Liam Bot isn't just able to navigate ethical questions, it's also built to take over the second worst part of working for a tech company during the holidays: being tech support for your grandparents. Just hand Liam Bot over and it'll use its handy tech tutorials to guide them through their banal problems. But whatever you do, don't let the social media chatbot spend too much time chatting from your racist grandpa lest or it'll machine learn so much Facebook has to repurpose it for their white supremacist ad division.

For more weird tangents and tips 'n tricks on how to best disappoint your parents, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

For more, check out Disney Really Dropped The Ball On Baby Yoda Merch and Billie Eilish Doesn't Get The Van Halen Mural On My Van.

Follow us on ... uh ... Facebook.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

0 Comments

Load Comments