Thomas The Tank Engine Is Woke Now
The first Thomas The Tank Engine book was written in 1945, and the TV show launched in 1984. The franchise has naturally needed updates, and not just to explain to confused modern children why they should give a crap about trains in a world where an Amazon truck can bring them anything they want overnight. Parents had been complaining that the show felt out of touch, thanks to Sir Topham Hatt's ceaseless imperialist browbeating and the trains all being dicks to each other (in one episode, Thomas is given major crap for liking the color pink). An underpaid voice actor controversy didn't help matters, nor did the Island of Sodor apparently having fewer women than a Saudi soccer match. The lack of female characters even caught the eye of politicians, in the most British scandal imaginable since the great Crumpets and Cream Confoundment of 2015.
So in 2018, Thomas relaunched with a slate of new characters, including a Desi female railway controller and a diverse Steam Team made up of lady and gentleman trains from all around the globe. While we're somewhat concerned by the idea of gendered trains, due to the resultant implication of Thomas having a train penis, the reboot at least proved its worth by making a grouchy old Daily Mail columnist waste precious moments of his life pretending to be infuriated by the latest adventures of fictional vehicles for children.
Thomas' brand managers even teamed up with the United Nations to tackle themes like land use, environmentalism, and hopefully the many haunting existential questions raised by a world of sentient trains. Do they feel guilt about their role in facilitating genocide? Were they forced to participate, or did they volunteer? Thomas' so-called managers continue to dodge these issues, but we will continue to demand answers.
HiT Entertainment"You think we'd have Thomas transport COAL?! Get real, that's biochar."
And for anyone thinking of rushing to shout "More like Thomas the Tankie Engine" to the howling void of the comments, all of these changes were made after extensive market research dedicated to wringing the most possible money out of the reboot. This is the normal evolution of a media property. Thomas is still hauling whatever junk it is he carries around to keep the Fat Controller in lobster and scotch, and there's absolutely nothing to get upset ab- Wait, they changed the theme song? There are lines you don't cross, you monsters.
The Wiggles Had Some Major Relationship Drama
The Wiggles are like the Fleetwood Mac of children's music, in that large chunks of the fandom have become more invested in the drama than the music. Between their constant releasing of new albums, their television shows, their ceaseless touring, and their merchandising empire, the Wiggles brand is worth tens of millions of Australian dollars, which is almost like being worth tens of millions of real dollars. And with money comes ... gossip.