You Are Not Prepared For These Awful New XFL Teams

You Are Not Prepared For These Awful New XFL Teams

Can you feel the electricity in the air? That's the XFL, baby! Yes, Xtreme Football is back on the menu for 2020, and it's going to get you with its rude 'tude and bizarre gimmicks that ostensibly distinguish its brand of in-your-face gridiron from that of the NFL's, but which instead only highlight each league's own subtly varying degrees of terribleness. And hey, the team names and logos have finally been revealed! The brainpower that must've gone into creating some of these is beyond the ken of mortal men. For instance ...

Or as it's more commonly known, "The greater Denver area's Little League third runner-up" logo.

It's a brave choice to go with a name that can also be found on every pee-wee baseball, hockey, football, basketball, and darts league across North America. Somehow even more impressive than these astoundingly creative names are the pointless team descriptions the XFL has provided for their purely hypothetical fans to help them better understand the spirit of each franchise.

DC Defenders: On the shoulders of giants, they stand tall. Unconquerable. Unyielding. Marching ever forward. A force united. One quest. One purpose. O
Chris Vannini/Twitter

These things are written as if the reason Ernest Hemingway became an alcoholic was that his staccato style of short blunt sentences could only land him a job writing them. Anyway, they are paradoxically not describing the grit and determination of a football team, as there are no actual teams with players yet.

New York Guardians: Sentries carved of stone. Watchdogs over the metropolis. A prehistoric predator. A beast evolves, turned loose in a new kind of ju
Chris Vannini/Twitter

These are bios of cartoon characters, representing the qualities possessed by players they do not have yet, who will most definitely not live up to any of those standards. Vince McMahon's WWE creative team is cutting through the BS and pitching us a late '80s Saturday morning cartoon adaptation of the XFL that makes literal dragons from Seattle play football against literal battle hawks from St. Louis, whatever the hell a battle hawk may be. I'm guessing an osprey with a gun?

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's And listen for his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast.

For more, check out 'Celebrity Book Curator' Is A Job, Because Rich People Suck and Disney's New 'Lady And The Tramp' Stars An Actual Tramp.

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