Meet TV Head Man, The Newest American Urban Legend
It's not the freshest of takes, but lately, the news hasn't been one of the funnest shows to watch. Many of us want to change the channel, or even go back to a simpler time when we weren't able to see the world in hi-def misery. And to help with that, a mysterious stranger is going around bringing the gift of old media.
Our demographic charts tell us we have to explain to a third of you what you're witnessing. Those are two CRT television sets, ancient machines made of tubes and no more than 32 pixels. Likely, the mysterious figure looted some sort of Boomer museum to collect the last of them. Then they crowned themselves King of Friends Re-runs by placing one on their head before depositing over 50 more of the relics on the doorsteps of unsuspecting residents in one Virginia neighborhood.
Little is known about TV Head Man, aka "Television Santa Claus," aka the world's #1 Prince Robot IV Fan. What the Henrico County police did manage to ascertain from front door security cameras was that the blue jumpsuited being was quick, struck with surgical precision, and has the strength of several dads, lifting and carrying these bulky behemoths without breaking a sweat. They also know TV Head Man didn't work alone, being driven around by a trusty sidekick, the Kinescope Kid, who also wore a jumpsuit and a (we'll assume slightly smaller) TV on their head.
And odds are that TV Head Man will strike again, as this isn't even the first time they've darkened the doorsteps of Henrico County residents. In August of 2018, a more modest 20-something old TVs were dropped off in another part of the county. But what are the motives behind these delivery drive-by's? Did TVHM mean for this old TVs to serve as a gift to the needy? Was it some sort of villainous calling card? Will the TVs soon spring to life, emitting a video of a haunting carousel ride before exploding in a cloud of laughing gas, like something out of a '60s Batman comic? Or did this half-man, half-TV simply needed a place to ditch their bastard offspring, choosing a rural middle-class neighborhood to give them good homes where they could frolic in backyard sheds surrounded by boxes upon boxes of hoarded RCA connectors?
To many of their TV targets, it doesn't matter if they're a villain, a hero, or just some drunk college kid. They just see their Friendly Neighborhood TV Head Man as a welcome whimsical distraction from the dumpster fire of their American lives. "I think it was awesome, lighthearted and so great to have a fun story like this, even though there are so many tragedies occurring," said Jeane Brooksbank, one the beleaguered bequeathed. And when it feels like the gods have abandoned you, it's nice to know that one hasn't, even if it's the trickster god of antiquated small appliances.
For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
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