Orlando Bloom Won't Be In The Lord Of The Rings (That's Bad)

Amazon's announced prequel show to The Hobbit (that's right, not The Lord Of The Rings, that's not how chronology works) has left Tolkien fans like crazed Gollums, ripping apart and gulping down every juicy sweet morsel of information thrown at them, like a cryptic image revealing the setting, or whether Peter Jackson has been successfully banned from visiting the set.

And over the weekend, a CGI barrel-load was dumped on us, consisting of several key hires the show has made. But while a lot of the internet seems to be in a huff about the show not having any big-name writers, it should focus more on the implications of the dreamboat-shaped hole in the cast. During a recent panel, Orlando "No, Keep The Wig On" Bloom broke the heart of everyone's inner teenage girl by confirming that he won't be joining the series. That's because, while Legolas may be timeless, the now-42-year-old is no fresh-faced elf. He said: "As Legolas, they've probably got a 19-year-old kid who's ready to go."

New Line CinemaBloom comprehending his own mortality.

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Which is just terrible news. No, not that Bloom won't be playing Legolas, but that someone else probably will be. Thanks to the elven cheat code that is immortality, every pointy-eared character in Tolkien's saga could pop up in any period, even one set four centuries before the trilogy. And many fans are already preparing for the possibility of Elrond or Celeborn (and their actors) to make appearances and offer an easy bridge between the show and the movies -- one it will definitely want after the last season of Game Of Thrones ruined loose fantasy adaptations until the Age of Men fades into night.

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But precedent says this could be disastrous if/when they realize they can bring in some young washboard-abs-having Legolas -- a character who was never supposed to be anything more than a machine gun in Cuban heels who had any sort of decent character development only after he meets dwarf and future husband Gimli. After all, producers eagerly jammed him into The Hobbit, and that was the worst thing that happened to those movies, except for everything else that happened in those movies, creating a needless elf/dwarf love triangle that made Evangeline Lilly lose her mind.

So yeah, let's keep our snark and mourn that we're losing a Bloom and probably getting a new Legolas. In fact, we'd much rather have it the other way around. Ditch Legolas and let the slightly wrinkled Bloom play another character named ... Pegolas. Yeah. Nailed it.

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