Over a hundred locals turned up to voice their opposition to Fieri's tasting room, and the comments that other residents left read like random quotes from every snobby rich villain in an '80s comedy:

-- This project will be detrimental to my health, welfare, and comfort.

-- A race car was fired up next door by the applicant's staff with no warning. The noise very nearly seriously injured one of my show horses. This has happened a couple of times.

-- My family lived across the street from the applicant's residence. Guests would be loud, leave trash, and trample landscaping. All we could do was sell and move.

The result was a unanimous vote against Fieri, and he was forced to bottle up the plans for his tasting room. (He still started up his own vineyard and wine brand, though.) As for the locals, they went home and celebrated, convinced that they'd done a truly good thing to help their area -- where, incidentally, residents are booked for DUIs at a higher rate than the wine-supping tourists they'd so valiantly fought to repel.

Enter Elon Musk and His Amazing Fantabulous Miniature Submarine.

In the midst of this life-or-death situation, renowned internet drama doofus Musk showed up and offered to lend the team a mini-sub. The government took one look at it and immediately turned him down, on account of how the sub -- with its long, wide, rigid shape -- would've immediately gotten trapped inside the tight underwater passages of the cave. Shortly after, the boys were saved by a team of government divers.

In an interview conducted after the rescue, Vern Unsworth -- who was credited by the operation with helping to put the whole thing together -- gave an interview to CNN in which he called the mini-sub a publicity "stunt." In response to this fairly mild (and valid) criticism, Musk called Unsworth a "pedo" before his millions of Twitter followers.

With the threat of a lawsuit looming large, Elon subsequently apologized to Unsworth ... Then followed up by not only doubling down on his original allegation, but also adding a whole bunch of ridiculously specific (fake) details.

"I suggest that you call people you know in Thailand, find out what's actually going on and stop defending child rapists, you f*****g asshole. He's an old, single white guy from England who's been traveling to or living in Thailand for 30 to 40 years, mostly Pattaya Beach, until moving to Chiang Rai for a child bride who was about 12 years old at the time ... As for this alleged threat of a lawsuit ... I f*****g hope he sues me."

Annnnd Unsworth sued him.

Despite his "COME AT ME, PED-BRO!" attitude, Musk immediately tried to get the lawsuit dropped, on account of how his allegations were only an "imaginative insult" that he repeated countless times because he's a complete dingus. The court rejected this argument, which means that Elon is going to see the inside of a courtroom very, very soon. There, he'll no doubt present a well-researched case against Unsworth that blows the naysayers (like us) out of the cave.

In July 2015, Woods was being his usual self on Twitter when an anonymous poster with the handle "Able List" accused him of being a cocaine addict. Instead of muting or blocking him, Woods immediately flipped and hit Able List with a $10 million lawsuit alleging reputational damage. Just think of how much Woods would've sued for if he'd been accused of, say, running a sex dungeon in the basement of a pizza parlor.

Able List's lawyers sought to have the lawsuit dismissed, but their defense of the phrase "cocaine addict" being "a constitutionally protected political insult" didn't persuade the judge. An appeal was then filed against the judge's decision to let the lawsuit go ahead -- an appeal that was later dropped after Able List died.

As expected, Woods behaved like a total gentleman and called the deceased "slime" who hopefully "died screaming [Woods'] name in agony," before threatening to pursue any other wannabee libelers into the ground.

James Woods/TwitterWe'd call Woods crazy, but we don't want to get sued. Instead we'll just point out that he once went on a prolonged rant against handshakes and let you draw your own conclusions.

This isn't the end of the story, however. After Woods had finishing tea-bagging someone's ghost, he filed a motion to force the dead man's attorney to release the name of his client, arguing that he no longer had a right to privacy, on account of being dead. The attorney shot back with a strongly worded argument about how this was a "merit-less" motion intended to "publicly harass and vilify a dead man and his family" -- an argument which failed to persuade the judge and ended with Woods obtaining Able List's real name.

We'd make a joke here about how Woods now plans to sue the dead guy's family for the damages he didn't get, but that actually seems like a possibility. In the words of Woods' attorney, the release of Able List's real name heralds "a significant step forward in our ability to recover the millions in damages caused by [Able List's] cowardly tweet." Hopefully this ends the same way it does in a James Woods movie: with him getting punched by a much better-looking and more likable actor.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter dedicated to depressing history facts. It's not as heartbreakingly sad as it sounds, promise!

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