Gwyneth Paltrow Launches Goop For Men, Yikes
Goop, the premier wellness brand for kombucha moms, is expanding into brave new territory. The site has stopped being female-exclusive and has launched Men's Goop, with all the unfortunate implications that name conjures. Now, what does Gwyneth Paltrow know about men? Probably nothing, as she doesn't understand women either, but hey, that hasn't stopped her from famously trying to convince ladies to shove magic stones up their vaginas. And now it's the men's turn for granola flimflammery!
This week, a lot of people received a strange email from Paltrow, asking them to forward it to their male loved ones, as there's finally a dedicated section for them on the Goop website. The new Goop Men tab on the site will feature articles aimed at the modern man, a monthly newsletter, a podcast called Goop Fellas, and an overpriced clothing line called G. Label Men.
But why target men (aside from finally getting someone to buy her $950 shot glasses)? According to Paltrow, 23% of the site's visitors are already male, though that figure doesn't differentiate between guys who read the site and guys who stumbled on it after Googling "Gwyneth Paltrow vagina eggs." Of course, the big question is: Should I, as a male person, read Goop Men? To help you with this important lifestyle decision, we've made a handy magazine-style quiz to get straight to the answer.
Are you "crystal curious"?
- I once experimented with a geode in college.
- Only if that's the name of a local stripper.
- This is another body cavity thing, isn't it?
- If I put any more crystals on my body during meditation, I'd have to secure mining rights.
Would you be interested in a series of articles exploring you how to help with low testosterone?
- I can't believe my wife forwarded me this email.
- Wait, is this one of those website's that make people feel bad about their bodies? Huh, didn't know they did those for men.
- I prefer medical advice from doctors who don't talk to ghosts.
- Will it help me have sex like Sting? Because I need to have sex like Sting.
Would you put stickers on your body if we said they had NASA healing powers?
- Madam, I have a degree in aeronautics.
- No, but only because I'm more of an Elon Musk bro.
- Can't I just buy a Lego NASA set instead?
- Will they make me more in sync with the moon? What am I asking? They all do. I'll take a dozen.
If your predominantly answered 1, 2, or 3, you should probably stay far away from Goop Men. If you predominantly answered 4, then congratulations, you're Madonna's boyfriend! You should definitely check out the Men's tab at Goop. Have fun!
For Cedric's non-Goop holistic (but not watered down) jokes, you can follow him on Twitter.
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