Celebrity branding is nothing new -- get a reasonably famous person to attach their name to a product, and suddenly that $10 toaster becomes Malcolm-Jamal Warner's Bread-Heating Machine for $39.95. Recently, however, it seems to be getting a little out of hand, and we're seeing things like ...
For $120, you can own a plain white T-shirt "designed" by Kanye West, because the limit of his design prowess seems to be looking at a Hanes catalog and saying, "Just make that, only for $120 and with my name on it." It doesn't grant wishes or give you super rapping powers, although it does imbue you with the ability to instantly regret its purchase.
The fact that "sold out" is referring to the shirt's stock, rather than creator, makes us want to cry.
The problem with this shirt (beyond the fact that it costs the same as two copies of Saints Row IV) is that it really sucks as the status symbol it is clearly meant to be. Wearing an Ed Hardy shirt is like wearing a neon-painted "Douchebag" nametag -- message received. With the Kanye West $120 T-shirt, you have to literally approach people and inform them you are wearing a super expensive Kanye item, otherwise they'll just think it's Fruit of the Loom.
In her continuing efforts to convince the rest of the human race that she has no idea how regular people live, Gwyneth Paltrow is offering a silver thimble shotglass for $950.
"Shot cup" -- exactly what you'd expect Gwyneth Paltrow to call a shot glass.
The problem with selling thousand-dollar shot glasses to anyone other than space royalty is that nobody buys just one shot glass unless they're rampaging alcoholics -- you have to buy at least two, if not more. If one of your friends has a birthday or a promotion, you'll be dropping five or six Gs just so you can each toast the occasion by sipping liquor out of a Monopoly piece.
Snoop Dogg's new app Snoopify allows you to bedazzle your pictures with Snoop-related stickers in exchange for actual money. The most expensive sticker, the Golden Jay, lets you add a tiny golden joint to any photograph for a mere $99.99, because people are fucking idiots.
"We've collaborated with the finest of MS Painters to bring you this unique piece of art."
The joint does absolutely nothing. You can't print it out and smoke it, you can't exchange it at a Snoop Lion ticket booth for prizes. It just exists on your phone. That's it. And apparently at least 15 people have bought the damn thing, which means they could've pooled their money and bought one of Gwyneth's shot glasses.
For anywhere between $15,000 and $35,000, you can attend moneymaking seminars at Trump University, the brainchild of Donald Trump, a man who famously declared bankruptcy several times over and is completely committed to two obsolete hairstyles, the mullet and the comb-over. Clearly, no one else is more qualified than he to instruct us in the ways of financial wisdom.
Scott Gries/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
We've looked at this photo for three hours and still can't tell if that's a cardboard cutout of not.
Trump University promises to teach you real estate investment techniques and industry secrets, although it is important to note that it is in no way a licensed or accredited educational institution. Shockingly, both the program and the Donald are now the target of a $40 million lawsuit from a thoroughly unsatisfied customer, claiming the whole thing is nothing but a grifter's swindle.
Suspicions were raised when students did nothing but play Trump: The Game for the entire session.
If you're willing to throw down that much cash in exchange for a glorified infomercial, you might as well just go to real, actual college. You'd probably end up with exactly as much to show for it.
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