The figure of 'Kingpin' resembles a man in a suit carrying a staff. Nothing in the storyline indicates that Kingpin possesses superhuman powers. Yet, Kingpin is known to have exceedingly great strength (however 'naturally' achieved) and the figure itself has a large and stout body with a disproportionately small head and disproportionately large hands. Even though 'dolls' can be caricatures of human beings, the court is of the opinion that the freakishness of the figure's appearance coupled with the fabled 'Spider-Man' storyline to which it belongs does not warrant a finding that the figure represents a human being.

Marvel ComicsIn fairness, this isn't a look you see on a lot of people.

It took until 2003 for a judge to declare Marvel as the "winner." It wasn't a decision she made lightly. When describing how she reached her ruling, she explained that she based her verdict not just on the masses of legal papers that both sides had provided, but also a litany of action figures -- as well as close examinations under the clothing of said figures. No, really. That's not a joke.

It was a Pyrrhic victory for Marvel, though. When news reached fans that the X-Men had been stripped off their humanity (for tax reasons), they responded with as much understanding and empathy as you'd expect from scorn nerds. As the editor of one popular fansite beautifully articulated: "This [decision] is unthinkable. Marvel's super heroes are supposed to be as human as you or I. They live in New York. They have families and go to work. And now they're no longer human?" Marvel wound up getting so much heat, in fact, that they were soon forced to issue a statement saying that of course everyone's favorite superheroes are still human -- an about-face that was visible from Asteroid M.

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The lawsuit was eventually settled, and although the terms are confidential, it's a fair bet that the Temple got a sizable 666-figure sum (*ba-dum TISH*).

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As further proof that this is a serious problem for the band, they provided a list of instances where fans have mistaken Ion Maiden for an official band tie-in, alongside other (lesser) complaints about how fans:

-- [clicked] on an Ion Maiden forum thread thinking that the thread was related to Iron Maiden.

-- [read] an article about the Ion Maiden video game waiting for an explained connection to Iron Maiden.

-- [expressed] genuine excitement for an Iron Maiden video game.

-- [commented] that 'all that's missing is an ... Iron Maiden soundtrack' and that the Iron Maiden song 'Can I Play with Madness' would fit right in.

We've written a lot about bold(ly dumb) legal strategies over the years, but we've got to hand it to Maiden on this one. Claiming that a pun is causing irreparable damage to your brand? That's bold. Claiming that your case has merit because your fans can't read? That's a galaxy-brain-level maneuver they'll be teaching for years at shady lawyer schools, seeing as how it worked. The developer caved and renamed the game Ion Fury, while the band presumably celebrated with a Metamucil toast at their early bird dinner.

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The first wound up being dropped after the accusers chatted with the man and came away convinced that he didn't have the foggiest clue who they were. The second accusation, which concerned a play titled Let Me Hear You Whisper, wasn't going away quite so easily. Especially considering how the play's plot shares a lot of similarities with The Shape Of Water -- namely it being about an introverted woman who falls in love with a sea creature (in this case a dolphin) who is the subject of some bizarre government experiments.

Del Toro denied that he'd ripped off Let Me Hear You Whisper, and the case went to trial ... where it was dismissed almost immediately on the grounds that A) a woman falling in love with a nonhuman creature is an entire genre of fiction, and more importantly B) the lead character in Let Me Hear You Whisper doesn't have sex with the dolphin.

Fox Searchlight PicturesNot even hand/fin stuff.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go throw our sexy Flipper remake script in the trash before we get sued.

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