5 Gross Celebrity Quotes We All Forgot About

5 Gross Celebrity Quotes We All Forgot About

At some point, everyone has said something dumb -- like that time we wrote an entire article insisting that men can't play field hockey because their penises get in the way. In retrospect, it was very dumb of us to overlook tucking. We're sorry. But while most of us at least hope to hide our shame, being a celebrity means that every idiotic word stain you've ever retched up is on record forever ... and is then just ignored, apparently. Look at these gross comments from people whose careers are still going strong.

Terrence Howard Doesn't See What The Big Fuss Is Over Hitting Women

Terrence Howard, the man who insists that one times one equals two and the rest of the world is too dumb to understand the reality he unlocked, has some weird beliefs. In a 2007 interview, he was asked what item he might find in a partner's house that would prove their relationship incompatible. Rather than take the obvious opportunity to crack some jokes about his taste in food or music, he went on a weird rant about hygiene.

"If they're using paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go inside a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

That's right ladies, a man who once played Nelson Mandela thinks you're pooping wrong. He wasn't being flustered by a tough journalist. This was a fluff interview with Elle in which he saw a softball gently lobbed toward him, only to step in its path and let it hit him square in the mouth.

Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images
Terrence Howard, seen here silently judging your butthole hygiene.

But hey, maybe it was a weird joke that fell flat, or maybe he was screwing around in a boring interview. It's not as if Howard, who has a long history of domestic abuse, could possibly have any issues with women. Like that time when he commented on Chris Brown's domestic abuse case: "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her. She'll be all right. Just everybody's got to get out of their way." He later offered a totally sincere apology and said that he didn't mean to be so insensitive. And who hasn't looked at domestic abuse and said, "Eh, those wacky lovebirds will work it out if we give them a little space"?

But at least Howard learned his lesson and never commented on domestic abuse again ... until 2017, when he complained that the people who asked him to not hit women were holding him to an unfair double standard. "Why isn't anyone asking women to not hit me?" the man with a history of hitting women demanded to know, before focusing all of his incredible observational skills to boldly ask why we park on driveways but drive on parkways. Anyway, Howard started making $125,000 per episode of Empire in the same year that he confessed to striking his first wife.

Tim Allen Wants To Use The N-Word, Compares Himself To A Jew In Nazi Germany

White people using the N-word is a complicated issue. African Americans have politely made some logically compelling cases as to why the word is offensive, but Chet, our acquaintance who still wears JNCOs and insists that his DJing career is going to take off any decade now, says that it's totally cool because he had a black friend in elementary school. Who are we supposed to believe? Thankfully we have Tim Allen, the "It's fine, I have a black friend" of actors, to cut through the ethical morass.

In an interview, Allen said "If I have no intent, if I show no intent, if I clearly am not a racist, then how can 'n*****' be bad coming out of my mouth?" He then compared himself to Richard Pryor, who was black, and Lenny Bruce, who was talented. After finishing his topical comparison to a satirist who died in 1966, Allen added "'the n-word' is worse to me than n*****," prompting a legion of baffled responses from black academics and media personalities who surely had better things they wanted to do with their time.

But that was all the way back in 2013, mere years after the Civil Rights movement and well before adult white men could have possibly been expected to know better. In 2017, an older and wiser Allen commented on being a conservative in Hollywood by saying, "You're going to get beat up if you don't believe what everybody believes. This is like '30s Germany." Indeed, being paid millions of dollars to star in Last Man Standing, a show that's spent seven seasons making The Big Bang Theory look like Brooklyn Nine-Nine, is exactly like being beaten in the streets, having your home and business forcibly taken from you, and/or getting shipped off to a concentration camp to suffer a slow and agonizing death. This time it was prominent Jewish people who had the opportunity to tell Allen to shut his dumb mouth, because in his own idiotic way, the man does not discriminate.

Gary Oldman Felt The Need To Defend Mel Gibson

You may recall Mel Gibson's antisemitic rants, or his racist rants, or his sexist rants, or his racist antisemitic sexist rants. But imagine that you're another celebrity. What do you do when you're asked about his comments? Do you condemn him? Do you deflect the question? Or do you wait until years have passed and then bring the subject up yourself so that you can launch a stern defense? In 2014, that's what Gary Oldman felt the need to do, for some reason.

"I just think political correctness is crap. That's what I think about it. I think it's like, take a fucking joke. Get over it," Oldman said after drifting into the subject like a drunk wandering into traffic. Indeed, we should all learn to simply take jokes (that is, drunken ramblings about how Jews are responsible for all wars and black men are all rapists). Truly, Gibson's comedic mind knows no boundaries.

Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images
In fairness, his Just-Got-Back-From-Tying-A-Damsel-To-Train-Tracks goatee is a little funny.

"He got drunk and said a few things," Oldman continued, answering a line of questioning that had started with a discussion on movie financing, "but we've all said those things. We're all fucking hypocrites. That's what I think about it. The policeman who arrested him has never used the word n***** or 'that fucking Jew?' I'm being brutally honest here. It's the hypocrisy of it that drives me crazy." Indeed, who among us, aside from the overwhelmingly vast majority of us, hasn't ranted about a Jewish conspiracy to secretly run the world? If one man complains about the influence of Jews, and another man points out that such comments perpetrate stereotypes that have been responsible for the death of millions, aren't they equally to blame?

"Mel Gibson is in a town that's run by Jews and he said the wrong thing because he's actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him -- and doesn't need to feed him anymore because he's got enough dough," Oldman continued, apparently dissatisfied over still being able to see a sliver of daylight in the hole he'd dug himself. "He's like an outcast, a leper, you know? But some Jewish guy in his office somewhere hasn't turned and said, 'That fucking kraut' or 'Fuck those Germans,' whatever it is? We all hide and try to be so politically correct. That's what gets me."

What gets us -- here in our bubble so wild with political correctness that we think implying conniving Jews run the world is moronic and dangerous -- is that Oldman thinks he's being brave and insightful for observations that 14-year-olds would consider shallow. It's the living embodiment of the "You want to improve society, yet you live in society. Hypocrite much?" argument.

Brad Garrett Thinks All Women Are After His Money, Compares Vaginas To Credit Card Machines

Brad Garrett, star of Everybody Loves Raymond and possibly other things, released a 2015 book of essays about aging with all of the subtle humor that its title, When The Balls Drop, implies. And while it no doubt made a delightful Christmas gift for distant uncles all across the land, at least one essay featured Garrett offering the hottest takes on women that 1955 had to offer.

As spotted by Linda Holmes, a writer who was for some reason wasting her time reading When The Balls Drop, one essay features Garrett arguing that men need to lower their expectations and "learn to say yes" in a marriage, because he is apparently trapped in the same hellish sitcom world where he made his ill-gotten fame. He then added that "ladies own it, run it, and invented it" -- "it" being marriage, and Garrett being someone who lacks a grasp of remedial history.

Garrett goes on to whine about his ex-wife and the money he owes her, before insisting that he's not bitter. Then he encourages men to get a prenup, even if their partners don't like the idea. Comedy gold! It's a bit sad to see the words of an angry Redditor coming from a 59-year-old man, but so far it's reasonably unremarkable in its inanity. But then the piece closes with this:

"A woman will cost you more than any drug addiction, gambling binge, real estate debacle, or frivolous lawsuit. You will lose your mind if she wants you to, along with all your lettuce. That's why the vagina is shaped like that, so you can swipe your credit card. One-stop shopping for eternity. If she's Jewish, swipe once and wait for approval. Asian, swipe it sideways, backside up. Mexican, you'll need two forms of ID. If she's from the South, make sure it doesn't eat your card. If it does, do not put your dick in there! That's right, I said it."

5 Gross Celebrity Quotes We All Forgot About
Rich Polk/Getty Images
"That's right, I said it."
-- the third-best comic at open mic night and/or Brad Garrett

Jesus Christ, dude. Putting aside the fact that no one under the age of 150 calls money "lettuce," that is a weird, borderline-incoherent rant that somehow manages to make "Women are only after your money!" racist. At least, we think it's racist? It's honestly hard to tell what the hell any of that is supposed to mean, but if you start by insisting that women of different races all have unique methods of purloining your money, then you have some issues you need to be working out with your therapist.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Doesn't Like Women Wearing Pants, Consenting

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was running for governor in California's extremely stupid 2003 recall election, critics dug up an old magazine interview from his bodybuilding days in which he said, "Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold's -- the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train -- there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs."

So that's weird. But hey, it was 1977, and he was young and talking to a sleazy porn mag. Hopefully he was exaggerating. Voters agreed and ignored the news tidbit to sweep him into office, where he put his immature youth behind him to really hunker down and focus on the task of getting himself named one of America's least ethical governors.

And then, in the same year he was elected, Schwarzenegger implied that successful women are likely to be morons cruising on their sex appeal, saying, "As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times." Now's probably a good time to mention that he's been accused of groping and harassment by all sorts of women. But perhaps the strangest sentiment of all came when he said:

"I hate pants. This is something I have inherited from my father. He despised pants, and my mother was never allowed to wear them at home. We're talking about a different time period now, when the man was much more the ruler of the house. But I still feel that way, and neither my mother nor Maria is allowed to go out with me in pants."

It's pretty messed up to dress your own mother. And perhaps unsurprisingly, his marriage ended in divorce after he admitted to fathering a child with their housekeeper. But hey, maybe the next Terminator movie will be fun, right? Wouldn't it be cool if he said "I'll be back" again?

Mark is on Twitter and wrote a book.

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