5 Gross Celebrity Quotes We All Forgot About

But hey, maybe it was a weird joke that fell flat, or maybe he was screwing around in a boring interview. It's not as if Howard, who has a long history of domestic abuse, could possibly have any issues with women. Like that time when he commented on Chris Brown's domestic abuse case: "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her. She'll be all right. Just everybody's got to get out of their way." He later offered a totally sincere apology and said that he didn't mean to be so insensitive. And who hasn't looked at domestic abuse and said, "Eh, those wacky lovebirds will work it out if we give them a little space"?

But at least Howard learned his lesson and never commented on domestic abuse again ... until 2017, when he complained that the people who asked him to not hit women were holding him to an unfair double standard. "Why isn't anyone asking women to not hit me?" the man with a history of hitting women demanded to know, before focusing all of his incredible observational skills to boldly ask why we park on driveways but drive on parkways. Anyway, Howard started making $125,000 per episode of Empire in the same year that he confessed to striking his first wife.

In an interview, Allen said "If I have no intent, if I show no intent, if I clearly am not a racist, then how can 'n*****' be bad coming out of my mouth?" He then compared himself to Richard Pryor, who was black, and Lenny Bruce, who was talented. After finishing his topical comparison to a satirist who died in 1966, Allen added "'the n-word' is worse to me than n*****," prompting a legion of baffled responses from black academics and media personalities who surely had better things they wanted to do with their time.

But that was all the way back in 2013, mere years after the Civil Rights movement and well before adult white men could have possibly been expected to know better. In 2017, an older and wiser Allen commented on being a conservative in Hollywood by saying, "You're going to get beat up if you don't believe what everybody believes. This is like '30s Germany." Indeed, being paid millions of dollars to star in Last Man Standing, a show that's spent seven seasons making The Big Bang Theory look like Brooklyn Nine-Nine, is exactly like being beaten in the streets, having your home and business forcibly taken from you, and/or getting shipped off to a concentration camp to suffer a slow and agonizing death. This time it was prominent Jewish people who had the opportunity to tell Allen to shut his dumb mouth, because in his own idiotic way, the man does not discriminate.

"I just think political correctness is crap. That's what I think about it. I think it's like, take a fucking joke. Get over it," Oldman said after drifting into the subject like a drunk wandering into traffic. Indeed, we should all learn to simply take jokes (that is, drunken ramblings about how Jews are responsible for all wars and black men are all rapists). Truly, Gibson's comedic mind knows no boundaries.

Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty ImagesIn fairness, his Just-Got-Back-From-Tying-A-Damsel-To-Train-Tracks goatee is a little funny.

"He got drunk and said a few things," Oldman continued, answering a line of questioning that had started with a discussion on movie financing, "but we've all said those things. We're all fucking hypocrites. That's what I think about it. The policeman who arrested him has never used the word n***** or 'that fucking Jew?' I'm being brutally honest here. It's the hypocrisy of it that drives me crazy." Indeed, who among us, aside from the overwhelmingly vast majority of us, hasn't ranted about a Jewish conspiracy to secretly run the world? If one man complains about the influence of Jews, and another man points out that such comments perpetrate stereotypes that have been responsible for the death of millions, aren't they equally to blame?

"Mel Gibson is in a town that's run by Jews and he said the wrong thing because he's actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him -- and doesn't need to feed him anymore because he's got enough dough," Oldman continued, apparently dissatisfied over still being able to see a sliver of daylight in the hole he'd dug himself. "He's like an outcast, a leper, you know? But some Jewish guy in his office somewhere hasn't turned and said, 'That fucking kraut' or 'Fuck those Germans,' whatever it is? We all hide and try to be so politically correct. That's what gets me."

What gets us -- here in our bubble so wild with political correctness that we think implying conniving Jews run the world is moronic and dangerous -- is that Oldman thinks he's being brave and insightful for observations that 14-year-olds would consider shallow. It's the living embodiment of the "You want to improve society, yet you live in society. Hypocrite much?" argument.

Garrett goes on to whine about his ex-wife and the money he owes her, before insisting that he's not bitter. Then he encourages men to get a prenup, even if their partners don't like the idea. Comedy gold! It's a bit sad to see the words of an angry Redditor coming from a 59-year-old man, but so far it's reasonably unremarkable in its inanity. But then the piece closes with this:

"A woman will cost you more than any drug addiction, gambling binge, real estate debacle, or frivolous lawsuit. You will lose your mind if she wants you to, along with all your lettuce. That's why the vagina is shaped like that, so you can swipe your credit card. One-stop shopping for eternity. If she's Jewish, swipe once and wait for approval. Asian, swipe it sideways, backside up. Mexican, you'll need two forms of ID. If she's from the South, make sure it doesn't eat your card. If it does, do not put your dick in there! That's right, I said it."

Rich Polk/Getty Images"That's right, I said it."
-- the third-best comic at open mic night and/or Brad Garrett

Jesus Christ, dude. Putting aside the fact that no one under the age of 150 calls money "lettuce," that is a weird, borderline-incoherent rant that somehow manages to make "Women are only after your money!" racist. At least, we think it's racist? It's honestly hard to tell what the hell any of that is supposed to mean, but if you start by insisting that women of different races all have unique methods of purloining your money, then you have some issues you need to be working out with your therapist.