Brexit, the diplomatic equivalent of your dad divorcing your mom by moving to a waterbed into the garage, isn't going great. With only a few weeks until the United Kingdom's planned split with the European Union, and with businesses fleeing the country like rats from a sinking ship and farmers likening the agricultural effects to those of a disease outbreak, the mood is getting medieval. But PM Theresa May has just uttered calm words of leadership, assuring people that post-Brexit, they'll have no problem putting food on the table. They'll just have to scrape off the mold first.
With countless Brits already turning to food banks due to the government's endless austerity policies, food management has become an urgent issue. According to The Daily Mail (Britain's greatest expert on bitter decay), May was heard during a cabinet meeting on food waste telling her senior ministers that people should pay less attention to expiration dates and trust common sense to see if food has gone off. Giving an example, May confessed to often cutting away layers of mold from her jam to get to the untainted bits below with a ruthless cost-cutting efficiency that'll come in handy when England reopens its Dickensian workhouses in 2020.
Naturally, the British press is making a meal out of "Jamgate" as the perfect Brexit metaphor. Not because it's bad or dangerous advice (expiration dates can be kind of scammy, and health experts agree that removing the top layer of moldy jam makes it perfectly fine to eat), but because their Brexit-pushing, poverty-ignoring PM is acting like a coupon-cutting Marie Antoinette, unable/unwilling to read the mood the nation.
Meanwhile, someone else has already grabbed Jamgate as a PR opportunity: opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn, whose camp has eagerly responded to the gaffe by affirming that, as a true jam aficionado, he frugally finishes all of his jars before allowing but an inch of it to develop oppressive mold. This, by the way, happened in the same week an unauthorized biography claimed that the sorta-OK-with-Brexit Corbyn also enjoys eating cold beans straight out of the can. Jeez, no wonder these politicians wouldn't mind going post-apocalypse for a few decades just to get their old passports back.
Cedric's pretty sure that marmite is just fully molded jam, and you can yell at him about that on Twitter.
Support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
Follow us on Facebook. If you like jokes and stuff.
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.
Here are a few historically important sites to which time has been more than unkind.