'Game Of Thrones' Sneakers Are A Thing Now

You'll need a lot of fantasy to dream up the corporate synergy.
'Game Of Thrones' Sneakers Are A Thing Now

Are you excited about the upcoming final season of Game Of Thrones? Well you better be, because odds are that in the coming months, there isn't a single brand in the world that won't be chasing that dragon. This includes Adidas, which is now showcasing the perfect Red Wedding between sports footwear and medieval politics. And they'll need all the showcasing they can get, because there's a good chance people won't even realize these kicks have anything to do with the show.

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A Song of Shoes, Or Something.

After much teasing, Adidas has released detailed images of its upcoming Game Of Thrones sneaker collection, with the likely release date coinciding with the start of the last season of the bloody show in April. And while it may look like these are just random, non-branded shoes with a Westerosi tag on them, that's probably just our cynical 2019 eyes ruining the beautiful brand-synchronized magic. So let's give a shot at thinking of these shoes in light of the storylines they are supposed to represent.

First up are the Ultra Boost Night's Watch, the shoes that'll make your feet feel like you're always on a 40-mile patrol in the freezing cold.

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For sneakerheads who enjoy the illusion of having dirty snow stuck to the tips of their shoes.

OK, bad example. But look at the Daenerys! Experience the angry majesty and burdensome responsibilities of being a child queen with these, uh, white Adidas shoes?

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Daenerys, Mother of Dragons, Wearer of Nurse Shoes.

Or are you a fan of shoes with a long line of incest and backstabbing? Vow to always repay the debt you put on your mom's credit card with these regal red and gold Lannister kicks.

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At least they found a use for those rejected Iron Man designs.

Then there's the Adidas White Walkers, and it's so obvious how these sneakers embody (the typically barefoot) undead monsters bent on plunging the world in eternal winter that we're not even going to bother explaining it.

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They match the color of your toes if you ever try walking through the snow with these.

But saving the best for last, we have the Adidas House Stark sneakers, with its many subtle shades of the direwolf color showcasing the tragic but noble- nope, that's just gray. They're just freaking gray sneakers.

'Game Of Thrones' Sneakers Are A Thing Now
Even Jon Snow has more personality than these.

While some of these look nice, to say they have anything to do with Game Of Thrones is just ridiculous. But maybe that's the point. As Luke Plunkett over at Kotaku comments, "it's an adult show and these are shoes for adults." They aren't shoes aimed at fanboys, but at fanMEN, the rising and lucrative demographic of middle-aged geeks who worry they're getting too old to wear anything with Pikachu ears on it anymore.

Picking up on that hint of shame, companies are now making no-effort fantasy sneakers or Star Wars special edition smartphones, having realized they don't actually have to try anymore in order to be able to charge double by exploiting fanbases. Just picking a vaguely relevant color and hiding a tiny logo somewhere that's hard to spot by Tinder dates is exactly what a lot of them now want. That way, no Gen Z kid can mock them for being 40 and wearing faux-direwolf fur, but they'll still know they're true Game Of Thrones fans every time they slip on those Adidas -- mostly because they have the logo printed in the insole.

For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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