Realizing they couldn't compete with the Academy's upcoming craziness of having an empty microphone stand host its award show, the 2019 Golden Globes were a pretty low-key affair. Your dad's favorite band won a bunch, they got that fun couple from your monthly board game night to host, and the biggest upset of the night was that Tony Shalhoub apparently has a beard now. Wow. But the night did entertain one small controversy, a transgression unacceptable in any sort of entertainment venue: someone had smuggled in their own food.
While the Golden Globes feature a lavish dinner, it is then followed by infinity hours of sitting around watching people fondling big golden balls. During that time, the stars are left to fend off hunger by scavenging swept-up crumbs in the trains of actresses' gowns and stealing hard candy out of Clint Eastwood's pockets. But this year, nominee Melissa McCarthy came to the rescue of the professionally hungry by secretly passing out 30 ham and cheese sandwiches. And while that doesn't sound like nearly enough to feed the 6,000 guests in attendance, once you discount all the actors whose MCU contracts' ab clause forbids the consumption of carbs and all the actresses whose dresses would explode into confetti if they ate even a single grain of rice, McCarthy probably still had some leftovers for the subway ride home.
And we know it's hard to care about a snack given to famous millionaires attending a grand feast where they get $13,000 worth of free gifts and golden idols celebrating their existence, but you need to understand something important: These were the good sandwiches. These weren't your Subway ham and cheese slop, these were sandwiches from Joan's On Third, a deli so fancy that you need to get a second mortgage just to afford a PB&J. Remember the time that one co-worker had a birthday fall on the long weekend, and she knew she had to step up her game so she went to the good sandwich place that's two blocks further to buy everyone lunch? Yeah, it was that big of a deal.
Those sammies were so good that Best Actress winner Olivia Colman thanked them during her acceptance speech, meaning they've been thanked more than any screenwriter ever. And as they were so well-received, McCarthy has already decided that being the Globes snack mom will be her new job. "Next year, I'm bringing hot dogs," she said. So that'll guarantee at least a dozen TMZ articles about Golden Globe winners ending the night with a bunch of wieners in their mouths.
For a detailed account of all the sandwiches Cedric has eaten, you can follow him on Twitter.
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