Scott Pruitt is not a subtle man. The now-former head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency openly admits to not believing in climate change, is under at least a dozen investigations for the ethics scandals he barely bothered hiding, and was such a dick to his staff that they gladly broke every social contract in Washington to talk shit about him. So it is only appropriate that his resignation, his final act as a government grifter, is as outlandishly self-serving and gross as every second of his career has been.
To list all of Pruitt's corruptions and wrongdoings while acting as EPA administrator would take dozens of paragraphs, or preferably a trial. Instead, here's a quick best-of album: living dirt-cheap in an apartment linked to a prominent energy lobbyist, installing a $43,000 phone booth in his office, pulling 18 EPA field agents from duty to serve as his personal security guards, using his political status to try to get his wife a Chick-fil-A franchise, making his staff pay for his hotel rooms and then refusing to pay them back. But our favorite has to be the time Pruitt ordered an aide to go out and score him a used mattress from a Trump Hotel. That's what great about the man -- he's the kind of bureaucrat who can be in charge of a billion-dollar government agency, but still can't keep himself from stealing printer paper.
So after a year and a half of lining his pockets by mismanaging the EPA, Pruitt has finally had to cave under the pressure of justice and resign from his position. And in his resignation letter, Pruitt made sure to apologize to the American people whom he has dedicated his life to. Just kidding, he used it to kiss Trump's ass one more time.
Or eight more times, to be exact. That's how often Pruitt managed to specifically mention "serving" Trump and his agenda in this brief 273-word letter. In fact, the goal of the letter seems to be reminding Trump of the creepy, almost cultish devotion of his "faithful friend." Pruitt also gives the letter an unusual religious undertone, overusing the word "bless" and even declaring how he believes that Trump was made president by God. It's the kind of resignation speech you imagine Smithers would give as he was slowly being bricked into a basement wall by Mr. Burns.
Meanwhile, he makes no mention of the actual things that forced him to step down, instead pretending he did so wanting to spare Trump the stress of the "unrelenting attacks" on him and his family, which a weird euphemism to use for "government investigations into my wholesale corruption." But while it's cathartic to celebrate the sacking of this small-time scammer, it may hurt the EPA in the long run. Taking his place is his deputy head Andrew Wheeler, another climate change denier with even more ties to Big Coal, and someone who won't let himself get distracted by petty pen budget scandals while he erodes the EPA. Hooray?
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Most deleted scenes were deleted with good reason.