Warning: This article contains major spoilers for Solo: A Star Wars Story.
There's a new Star Wars movie, and against all odds, it's pretty good. We've been begging for a look at the seedy, crime-ridden underbelly of the Galaxy since we first set eyes on Jabba the Hutt, and Solo doesn't just deliver in this regard; it proves that there's still interesting, exciting stories to be told in this universe that don't have anything to do with rebellions, planet-exploding doomsday weapons, or space wizards. It even makes us hopeful for the Boba Fett film, and that's saying something.
The internet, however, disagrees in the dumbest way possible. There's a popular fan theory circulating right now that Qi'ra, the badass love interest / secret puppet master of Solo, is the mother of Rey, the badass lead of the Sequel Trilogy. What's their proof for this? They're both brunettes and ... that's about it. It's pretty convincing. After all, it's not like that's the defining feature of most of the major female characters in this franchise.
It's a bad theory. For one, the timeline means that Qi'ra gives birth to Rey when she's in her mid 40s, which implies that Qi'ra survives this new series of movies, and spoilers, she's probably not. There's a reason Han is so miserable in A New Hope compared to his perky, happy-go-lucky personality in Solo, and it's probably not that Lando figured out a better way to cheat at cards. There's also the fact that, oh right, The Last Jedi explained that Rey's parents were actually garbage people who traded her for booze and space crack.
It's not like this theory -- and the many, many, many like it -- are any better from a storytelling perspective, either. The whole point of Rey is that she's a complete rando who finds herself possessing powers that she previously thought were based in myth.
Instead of relying on help from long-lost relatives in some dynastic family like the Skywalkers or Kenobis, then, she has to grow and thrive under her own steam and make her own destiny -- something which she couldn't do as a scavenger. In other words, it's exactly the Prequel Trilogy -- the story of some random Force-powered kid who gets plucked from obscurity and, as someone who doesn't belong, has to constantly prove themselves worthy of being trained.
Admittedly, our point is slightly undercut by the fact that Anakin Skywalker shouldn't have been trained, because he went on to help murder millions, if not billions, but Rey seems like a safe be- wait, we just found out that she's apparently responsible for murdering millions of theatergoers' childhoods. Shut it down, folks.
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Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.