5 Heartwarming Stories That Are Also Totally Hilarious

Animals are amazing. They're delicious, they alert us to earthquakes, and they dramatically die in our arms in order to usher us into adulthood. Maybe that's why the internet is littered with heartwarming animal stories, to the point where medical experts now worry that our hearts might actually be getting too warm. To help with this very real public health issue which we did not just make up, we present the most heartwarming animal stories we could find ... which also come with a nice cool chaser of hilarity.

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5
Helicopters Are The Funniest Way To Transport Animals

When asked what they would do with a helicopter of their own, most people respond with, like, "beat traffic," or "fight crime," or "attack God." That's because some people don't know that the single best thing you can do with a helicopter is dangle thousands of pounds of animal across the landscape like some kind of horrible meat yo-yo.

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This trick's called "Walking the Goat."

Those are mountain goats, and before you get too concerned, this isn't some kind of prank or terrifying new thing Amazon is working on. This is science. It's cool.

You see, when it's time to relocate animals across mountainous landscapes to friendlier, healthier habitats, a helicopter is the best option available. A truck would have to travel by winding, indirect roads, necessitating that the goat be sedated for longer than is healthy for them. But when transported by air, these goats evidently only need blindfolds and most of a canvas bag to be comfortable. In fact, goat relocation practically mandates a helicopter. After being transplanted, goats have been known to navigate hundreds of miles back to their original homes. So if you wanna lose a goat, you really have to huck that bastard way, way out there.

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And they're not the only ones.

Below, an uncontacted tribe looks up and discovers their new god.

That's a black rhino, and it's a similar deal to the goats. When they used to transport the rhinos, they'd have to do it in trucks on bumpy roads, and the rhinos would have to be dangerously sedated to make it work. Helicopters had been used for moving rhinos in the past, but after some experimentation, they found that nets weren't really ideal because of the way they constricted the animal's breathing. Which is how we ended up with this setup: a blindfold, a truss, and a slap on the ass is all it takes for the world's most opulent pinata to take flight.

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There's more! Check out these f*****g sheep!

Oregon Department of Fish and WildlifeThe six-pack comes with fries and a drink.

Those are bighorn sheep being transported by the batch, using the exact same rig one would employ to fish for Mega Shark. This particular program is partly responsible for restoring the population of North American bighorn from 100 to 600 individuals in a few years. That's not nothing. Worth the indignity of being strung up like a set of confused bleating anal beads for an hour or two?

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We'll say yes.

(The sheep can only scream.)

4
Google's Street View Of The Faroe Islands Was Started By A Flock of Sheep With GoPros

Google Street View is a handy little tool if you want to see what a business looks like from street level, learn how to navigate a tricky interchange, or pretend you still sometimes go outside. But collecting all that visual data is a fairly time-consuming process, and the coverage isn't always up to date, especially in outlying areas. Like the Faroe Islands -- almost the textbook definition of outlying. It's a remote group islands in the North Atlantic populated mainly by sheep. So what's a Faroe Islander to do, other than not meticulously map their obscure island for reasons that are unclear to all?

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Get the sheep to do it.

The sheep didn't have a lot else to do.

Google was dragging their feet on sending one of their camera cars to visit the islands, so one of the residents, anxious to boost tourism, took matters into her own hands. With the help of the national tourist board, she equipped five sheep with solar-powered 360-degree cameras and let them loose.

Google MapsThey use similar equipment to monitor the activities of sheep cops.

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After getting no doubt tons of useful close-ups of grass, the project did attract attention from Google, which not only uploaded the imagery to Street View, but also loaned the Faroes a camera car to finish the job. So don't worry, easily lost islanders: your street view was done by a person with a car. If you find yourself driving into a particularly delicious bunch of sod, that's on you.

3
A Hawk Takes A Taxi To Escape Hurricane Harvey, Rides Out The Storm On A Liquor Cabinet

Animals can have their whole day wrecked by mother nature too. And in their efforts to cope with it, they can exhibit some extremely bizarre behavior. Like this hawk, which took a taxi to escape Hurricane Harvey.

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If his phone hadn't died, he'd have taken an Uber.

As Harvey was approaching Houston this past summer, that little guy was stricken by some kind of injury that prevented him from flying. So he jumped into a parked cab to ride the storm out. When the cab driver found him, he refused to budge but was otherwise surprisingly calm. Wildlife experts would later suggest this was due to exhaustion, possibly caused by the sudden changes in air pressure. But we prefer to think the hawk was just especially chill. Sunglasses and sandals chill.

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The cab driver drove the hawk around for a bit, perhaps pointing out sites of interest and recommending killer clubs that allow hawks, but when the storm got too close, he returned home and let the bird shelter in his apartment. There, the little guy roosted atop a liquor shelf.

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We told you, chill as.

The hawk was eventually retrieved by wildlife experts a couple days later, and was later set free in a wildlife habitat. So everybody got their happy ending!

Except for the entire rest of Houston.

2
A Raccoon Slips Into A Storm Drain, Eats Too Much, Gets Too Fat To Get Out

We'll go out on a limb here and venture that, on occasion, you have eaten too much. On occasion! But you've probably never gotten stuck in the door on your way out of Popeye's, have you? Humans build our doors fairly wide these days, and also many places now have double doors.

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Raccoons do not have such a luxury. Much of their food is found where we keep our garbage, including garbage cans, garbage bins, garbage dumps, and the literal sewer. There are no "sweatpants day" doors in these places. Which is what brings us to this plump little fellow, who dropped into a sewer to feast on its contents, only to get so fat that he couldn't get out again.

City of Zion Illinois Police DepartmentHahahahah, he’s like the star of a children’s story written for hefty boys.

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Of course, there is a happy ending to this story. The city's police and public works department were able to free the raccoon, presumably after employing a set of thick gloves and heavy mockery. The little guy was no worse for wear, and is reportedly considering a new diet.

City of Zion Illinois Police DepartmentMedical professionals have since reported serious concerns about the Winnie the Pooh plan.

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1
An Australian Police Dog Is Fired for Being Too Friendly, Gets A Better Job Anyways

Being a police dog is only for certain kinds of pups. Square-jawed, authoritarian dogs. Dogs who each have a chip on their shoulder and something to prove.

And then there are dogs like Gavel, a German shepherd in Australia, who -- despite all the training -- was too nice to make the force. He was more interested in playing with strangers than asking them hard questions about their odors. Tragically, Gavel lost his job.

Governor of QueenslandThe face of unemployment.

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Luckily, Gavel ended up getting a new job: Vice-Regal Dog of Queensland. Not only is that apparently a real position, Gavel is killing it. He is reportedly a very valuable member of Queensland's Government House, sits in on briefings with the governor, and even serves in several ceremonial roles.

Governor of QueenslandWhat is a ceremony in Queensland? Opening a beer while wearing a shirt?

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All jokes aside, it's a good job, and he is a good dog. The best possible dog, in fact -- the dog who wasn't a narc.

Get a little Gavel in your life with a German Shepherd plushie!

Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more lovable animal stories, check out 7 Adorable Animals That Will Make Your Heart Sing and 7 True Stories Of Animals Rescuing People From Certain Death.

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