Amazon’s Price Hike Is A Good Time To Remember Amazon Sucks

Maybe all that money can go to giving Amazon workers some bathroom breaks
Amazon’s Price Hike Is A Good Time To Remember Amazon Sucks

Because it knows people are no longer able to wait for more than two days to get their newly ordered bundles of sticks, Amazon has announced that starting May 11th, it will be raising Prime's annual subscription fee from $99 a year to $119. The news came shortly after the company posted record profits for 2018's first quarter and Jeff Bezos was bragging about the service reaching over 100 million subscribers. It's no surprise, then, that Amazon's announcement has been criticized for a being a bit tone-deaf, likely caused by the sound of all those money-counting machines whirring away at the head office. However, CFO Brian Olsavsky was quick to point out all the "new features we've continually added to the Prime Program" -- i.e. Prime Video, music streaming, and VISA reward programs.

And, of course, the guarantee that your hastily assembled Prime parcel will include traces of urine and fecal matter -- free of charge.

But before we each drop another Andrew Jackson into Amazon's pockets, let's remind ourselves that not only are the company's work conditions absolutely disgusting, but their workers have to sit in it. Just this month, a story broke that that warehouse workers in the UK would have to pee into bottles because they were afraid or simply unable to take actual bathroom breaks. A similar story appeared in 2016, when it was revealed that drivers were put under so much pressure to make as many deliveries as possible that they often go to the bathroom in their vans, with one even taking a shit on the street because he was so desperate. In fact, conditions have gotten so bad that Amazon is now even on the list of the most unsafe places to work in the U.S. And if you think any of that extra Prime money is going toward improving worker conditions, Amazon would like to sell you something for your feet it likes to call "warehouse rain."

But the company really hopes you'll keep ignoring that and let them pour your money and their workers' dignity into flashy new projects like its bajillion-dollar serialization of The Lord Of The Rings, which we'll assume won't have an episode about how Sauron doesn't let the orcs unionize.

For more attempts at witticisms and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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