5

Decorate Like A Dictator

Being wealthy is great. You should definitely be born into that if you can. But it's not enough on it's own. You have to let people know you're wealthy, so they know you're better than them, and to go fetch you food and pelts. You can do that by shouting at them all the time (and you should; never stop shouting), but when your voice gets tired, or they simply get too far away, you'll need something else. You'll need to let your surroundings do the talking for you.

Which brings us the Trumpian aesthetic. The author of a book called Dictator Style identified a number of key design traits featured in the residences of most famous dictators: overly ornate decorations, big swinging chandeliers, marble everything, mismatched French furniture, that kind of thing. Decor which shouted wealth but not class, none of it presented with any kind of design or stylistic intent. And when this author saw pictures of Trump's penthouse in Manhattan, he saw the same thing there. Vanity Fair even ran a side by side comparison of one of Trump's mansions and a palace used by Saddam Hussein, and the similarities were not hard to find.

Vanity FairIt’s the aesthetic equivalent of shouting.

But The Donald does have one decorating quirk all his own: the desire to hang up obviously fake things, like this cover of Time that was proudly framed in five of his golf courses.

Angel Valentin/The Washington PostIt seems this was during Time’s brief “First day using MS Paint” series of covers.

4

Eat Fast Food And Nothing But Fast Food

Every celebrity lifestyle guide is at least 50 percent bizarre ultra-healthy diet tips -- exotic grains, free-range kale, and egg white omelets all prepared by their aboriginal spirit-nutritionist, Klevin. Trump's guide would have a similar section, but y'know, the total opposite.

3

Be Born With Superior Genes

If you had to pick the perfect human, the one person whose intelligence, grace, and physical attractiveness surpassed all others, it'd be Donald Trump, right?

Well, there's a reason for that. Trump has good genes, as he'll tell you himself. It's part of his so-called "racehorse theory of life," which states that some people are bred to succeed, thanks to the genetic material provided by their parents. We're not reaching here. He brings up his genes all the time. His health? Excellent, thanks for asking, and a result of his good genes. Same thing with his energy! Luck? He was born with it! He once even said he had a genetic gift for real estate development, which ... scientists are not really rushing to confirm.

Pawel Marynowski/Wikimedia CommonsInvestors, either.

Anything positive that his family does is proof of the same genetic greatness. He regularly mentions his uncle who went to MIT. His granddaughter, who's learning Mandarin, is more proof of Trumpian greatness. His kids have inherited the belief too. Here's his son going on about his incredible genes, including his mother's fictitious Olympic skiing background.

This kind of thinking is a little troubling, especially when we consider another famous political movement obsessed with superior genes. Yes, it's usually hyperbolic to compare people you disagree with to Nazis. But not when they actually believe what Nazis believe. To the millions of Americans who might not have perfect genes, it is a little disturbing that their president said, "'All men are created equal.' Well, it's not true."

Remember this?

CNN

2

Fill Everything With Asbestos

Asbestos was once used as a fireproofing agent, because it is extremely effective in that role. It also causes cancer, and is extremely effective at that as well. But for some reason (it's probably money), Donald Trump has only ever really cared about that first bullet point. In his 1997 book, he suggested the drive to remove asbestos was led by the mafia, which controlled the asbestos removal business. In his view, asbestos was "100 percent safe, once applied," which is true about undisturbed asbestos. But it does have a nasty habit of getting disturbed, which lowers the safety level a few (dozen) percentage points.

Mark Wilson/Getty ImagesOf course, that assumes you take safety advice from qualified scientists. Trump is having none of that.

Which is why for a few decades now, we've had regulations mandating asbestos use and treatment. This makes it a giant and expensive pain in the ass for anyone who owns buildings, e.g. Donald Trump. And seeing as Trump isn't a huge fan of spending his own money and also has a casual relationship with facts, you can probably now deduce how he's taken this position. On that note, he was once sued in the 1990s by Polish construction workers who claimed they were exposed to asbestos dust without protective equipment. But that's probably a coincidence.

Anyways, whether it's science, regulations, or angry Poles, nothing has ever changed The Donald's mind. He still loves asbestos, and is even on the record suggesting that it could have prevented the World Trade Center towers from collapsing on 9/11. He was even on Twitter about it, because he's been on Twitter about everything. Whatever the opposite of a grudge is, Donald Trump has it for asbestos. Which means that if you want to be a winner, you're going to need a carcinogen of your own to love.

RealDonaldTrump/Twitter#science

1

Exercise And Sleep Are For Losers

On the subject of exercise, Donald Trump has a very hot take: don't. He believes that a person is like a battery, with a fixed amount of energy, and that unnecessary exercise uses that energy up. He's even mocked others for exercising. When he found out that one of his executives was training for a triathlon, he told the man he'd "die young because of this."

This lines up pretty neatly with the exact opposite of what scientists say, which is that while exercise might temporarily reduce your energy, it strengthens your body, thus allowing it to be stronger and store more energy in the future. You already knew that because you went to gym class once or read anything about food ever. But who are you going to trust? Scientists and common sense? Or a winner with confusing ideas about batteries?

And then there's the matter of sleep. For a long time, Trump has claimed that he gets very little of it, from 90 minutes to four hours a night. You should probably do the same. And what can you expect to do with all that extra time you'll have, being exhausted and grumpy? Well, if you want to be like Trump, you'll makes deals and plot revenge.

New York MagazineEverybody knows 3 a.m. is the ideal time to sit awake, sharpening a dagger and reciting the names of everyone who’s ever wronged you. That’s Business 101.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends seven hours or more of sleep per day for an adult, which suggests that Trump has been wrecking his body and mind for decades now. Come to think of it, that does jive with a few things we've seen in the news ...

Get a leg up on Donald Trump's granddaughter and start learning Mandarin yourself with Rosetta Stone.

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