Donald Trump's 6 Very Real, Very Insane Tips For A Good Life

When NFL players began kneeling during the national anthem, Trump didn't just criticize the players like most conservative commentators; he focused a lot of his rage on the NFL itself, calling it weak and out of control. Which doesn't make a ton of sense ... until you realize that Trump has long held a grudge against the league for refusing to let him buy a team in the 1980s. And when he tried to buy the Bills in 2014, only to get outbid, he reacted the only way he knows how: with shockingly petty tweets about how boring the league was.

And then there's the massive grudge he holds toward his predecessor, Barack Obama. Trump spent quite a bit of Obama's first term cheerleading the birther movement because of, well ... let's say his passion for birth certificate formatting quirks. For some reason, he then attended the 2011 White House Correspondents' Association dinner. There, Obama lit into him. For a solid two and a half minutes, Trump could do nothing more than slowly rock back and forth, tight-lipped, while Obama dished out insult after insult. The guy's probably never had to sit through anything like that before, and the psychic impact it's made on him can't be underestimated. If you're ever in any doubt about the motivations behind Trump's actions as president, know that he'll always do the opposite of whatever Obama would, be that building a health plan, entering the Paris Accords, or reading.

Which brings us the Trumpian aesthetic. The author of a book called Dictator Style identified a number of key design traits featured in the residences of most famous dictators: overly ornate decorations, big swinging chandeliers, marble everything, mismatched French furniture, that kind of thing. Decor which shouted wealth but not class, none of it presented with any kind of design or stylistic intent. And when this author saw pictures of Trump's penthouse in Manhattan, he saw the same thing there. Vanity Fair even ran a side by side comparison of one of Trump's mansions and a palace used by Saddam Hussein, and the similarities were not hard to find.

But The Donald does have one decorating quirk all his own: the desire to hang up obviously fake things, like this cover of Time that was proudly framed in five of his golf courses.

It is completely fake. There was no Time issue printed on the date on the cover, and Trump was never on the cover of Time during the year it was supposedly made. And that's not the only fake thing at his golf courses. Consider this sign:

Yeah, that's fake too. Historians who know the area have no idea what battle took place there, and have never heard it referred to as the River of Blood.

Years ago, Trump's biographer was interviewing the man on one of his presumably marble-coated personal jets. Hanging on the wall of the plane was a painting, a Renoir.

The biographer knew this painting, and knew that the original was in a gallery in Chicago. But Trump insisted that this was the original, and wouldn't take no for an answer. He didn't get rid of it after being called out, either. The thing showed up on the background of an interview with his wife after his campaign victory.

Not everyone likes their steaks mooing, so if a guy likes to eat his steak well-done, that's fine. It's fine.

The ketchup is a little much, though.

The other staple of the Trump diet: the 2,400-calorie McDonald's meals he's been known to consume. That's multiple Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes, and chocolate shakes. Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza, and Diet Coke reportedly make up the rest of his diet, and if that describes yours as well, congratulations on already thinking like a billionaire, I guess?

There's an interesting explanation for this love for overcooked meats and salt: Trump is a germaphobe. Imagine how risky an acai root indigenous power bowl or something would look to him, all covered in fruits and grains and stuff that clearly once touched the earth, all prepared by someone with their hands. You could then see the appeal of mass-produced, pre-packaged foods. Not if you think it through at all, but if you took a cursory glance at those two options, and you were absolutely certain that the first thought that entered your head was always 100 percent factually indisputably correct for all time, forever and ever, amen, you might see where he's coming form.

Anything positive that his family does is proof of the same genetic greatness. He regularly mentions his uncle who went to MIT. His granddaughter, who's learning Mandarin, is more proof of Trumpian greatness. His kids have inherited the belief too. Here's his son going on about his incredible genes, including his mother's fictitious Olympic skiing background.

This kind of thinking is a little troubling, especially when we consider another famous political movement obsessed with superior genes. Yes, it's usually hyperbolic to compare people you disagree with to Nazis. But not when they actually believe what Nazis believe. To the millions of Americans who might not have perfect genes, it is a little disturbing that their president said, "'All men are created equal.' Well, it's not true."

Remember this?

That would be the president doing an impression of a disabled reporter. It was a joke, but you know, not a "ha ha" one. And he now sets policy for disabled Americans!

Which is why for a few decades now, we've had regulations mandating asbestos use and treatment. This makes it a giant and expensive pain in the ass for anyone who owns buildings, e.g. Donald Trump. And seeing as Trump isn't a huge fan of spending his own money and also has a casual relationship with facts, you can probably now deduce how he's taken this position. On that note, he was once sued in the 1990s by Polish construction workers who claimed they were exposed to asbestos dust without protective equipment. But that's probably a coincidence.

Anyways, whether it's science, regulations, or angry Poles, nothing has ever changed The Donald's mind. He still loves asbestos, and is even on the record suggesting that it could have prevented the World Trade Center towers from collapsing on 9/11. He was even on Twitter about it, because he's been on Twitter about everything. Whatever the opposite of a grudge is, Donald Trump has it for asbestos. Which means that if you want to be a winner, you're going to need a carcinogen of your own to love.

This lines up pretty neatly with the exact opposite of what scientists say, which is that while exercise might temporarily reduce your energy, it strengthens your body, thus allowing it to be stronger and store more energy in the future. You already knew that because you went to gym class once or read anything about food ever. But who are you going to trust? Scientists and common sense? Or a winner with confusing ideas about batteries?

And then there's the matter of sleep. For a long time, Trump has claimed that he gets very little of it, from 90 minutes to four hours a night. You should probably do the same. And what can you expect to do with all that extra time you'll have, being exhausted and grumpy? Well, if you want to be like Trump, you'll makes deals and plot revenge.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends seven hours or more of sleep per day for an adult, which suggests that Trump has been wrecking his body and mind for decades now. Come to think of it, that does jive with a few things we've seen in the news ...

Get a leg up on Donald Trump's granddaughter and start learning Mandarin yourself with Rosetta Stone.

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