5 Hilariously Badass Ways You Can Die In Style
Cemeteries can be such depressing places -- black suits, boring coffins, crying widows, nary a ball pit to be seen. Just an overall drag. But guess what? Laying your loved ones to rest doesn't have to be a total bummer. Across the world, there are all sorts of ceremonies that go to truly insane lengths trying to put the "fun" back into funeral. For example ...
Finally, Your Loved Ones Can Keep Your Memory Alive Inside Them
Sure, we leave behind wills and such to ensure our loved ones are taken care of financially after we pass away, but those won't keep our soulmates warm during those cold nights without us. And though there's nothing we can do to fill the hole we'll leave in their hearts. Fortunately, there are other holes.
This is 21 Grams, a project by Mark Sturkenboom, an artist from the Netherlands. Sturkenboom was inspired to create a more intimate final resting place after seeing the drab urn his neighbor kept her deceased husband in. "She always speaks with so much love about [her husband] but the jar he was in didn't reflect that at all." By which he apparently meant that the urn clearly couldn't fit into her vagina.
The box contains a drawer to keep mementos in, a docking area for your phone to play some music, a scent diffuser containing the deceased's signature scent, and of course, a glass dildo with a gold-plated urn big enough to ensure nobody feels inadequate in the afterlife.
But slightly more wholesome necrophilia doesn't come cheaply, so to speak. Getting all up in those 21 grams will cost $8,700. That price tag also includes a beautiful gold-plated brass key that your significant other can wear around their neck for the times they feel the sudden urge to quickly get into your box.
Get High With Your Friends Forever
With all the grace and dignity of dipping a frozen banana into chocolate, glass blowers can stub their heated glass into the ashes of the dearly departed to make lovely little tchotchkes like this:
But for the more awesome dudes and dudettes who want to stay cool forever, you could also be turned into a "tobacco" pipe (for any cops reading) and make sure your friends and family never get high without you again. In the afterlife, you don't get smoked out -- they smoke out of you.
Smokin Js is located in the Pacific Northwest (of course), and has to be the coolest way to be dead since Twilight ruined teenage vampires for everybody. For a small down payment and a scoop of ash, their resident artists will ensure that your circle never forgets you. At least for the first five minutes.
Send Your Remains On A Balloon Ride To Space
If you like the idea of sending your earthly remains right the hell away from Earth, but strapping your rotting corpse to a rocket seems too much like showing off, the folks at Eternal Ascent Society (not a cult) have a gentler alternative.
Joanie and Clyde West used to own a quaint little balloon shop in Florida, when one night their conversation took a turn for the macabre. Joanie asked her husband how he wanted to be buried. Clyde, ever the company man, replied: "I don't care. Just have me cremated, put me in a balloon and send me off." Somehow, they figured that non-balloon vendors would like this service too, and the pair embarked on a quest to make the funeral industry a little more whimsical.
Yes, for only a few thousands dollars, you too can strap the ashes of your loved ones to their patented balloon rigs. The balloon is then released at the venue of your choice, where it will ascend until the temperatures dip to -40 degrees Fahrenheit, at which point the balloon breaks, and nobody really thought the rest out. They're Almost Space's problem now.
Asia's VIP Columbariums Are Cemeteries For Rock Stars
Nestled in trendy downtown Tokyo is the Ruriden columbarium (like a cemetery, but for crematory urns). But Ruriden looks less like a somber cemetery and more like the inside of some awesome rave you were never invited to in life. Upon entry, mourners are greeted by 2,045 LED-lit techno-Buddha statuettes. These little fellas are actually markers for the storage spaces where the ashes are kept, but each one can switch to a different color with a swipe of a visitor's card.
When visitors arrive, they're heralded by a smoke machine and $2 million sound and light system that rocks hard enough to wake the dead. Oh no, not like that. We're so sorry for your loss.
There are several golden urn storage columns if you've always wanted to lay your deceased to rest in a Trump hotel, though the Garden recommends their "elegant premium suite with exquisite crystal crafted tablets," which "symbolizes the highest level of respect and gratitude" you can show their wallets- sorry, your loved ones.
There's even a nice cafeteria with a "cozy atmosphere" and several private lounges with "VIP design," in case any of the bereaved are also rappers waiting on bottle service.
Fight Your Way Through The Underworld From Inside A Flaming Bull
Unless you went out holding two live hand grenades while charging a polar bear, your death probably wasn't spectacular. But that doesn't mean your funeral won't be! If that's what you want, make sure your last trip is to either Indonesia or Bali, whose funerals are so cool that even David Bowie wanted to be cremated there.
The ritual is called Ngaben, which comes from a Balinese term that means "to turn into ash." Sounds normal so far, but stay with us. On the day of your Ngaben, your family first dresses you in a traditional Balinese outfit so lavish and vibrant it would make stun even ... well, David Bowie. Then they put you in either a wadah, a giant tower made of colorful paper and wood ...
... or a lembu, a large sarcophagus shaped like a mystical ox, dragon, or lion.
And you'll need that epic mount. All throughout the Ngaben, it is the task of the funeral attendees to help the deceased in any way they can for their upcoming epic battle against the forces of evil. During the procession, pallbearers will rotate the sarcophagus three times at all junctions in an attempt to give any evil spirits the slip. Then, during the cremation itself, traditional battle music is played to signify that your soul is now fighting off evil spirits while trying to ascend to the realm of gods and ancestors. Twelve days later, your loved ones gather up your ashes, put them in a coconut, and float it in the ocean, which is just the kind of relaxing holiday you'd want after two weeks spent fighting evil underworld denizens while dead and on fire.
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