6 Things We Only Believe Today Because Of Propaganda

See, Big Tobacco needed to come up with a reason people who smoked were more prone to heart attacks, but for some reason didn't want to say "our bad." They eventually settled on the idea that some people are just naturally on the verge of blowing an artery all the time, and if those same people also tended to de-stress with nicotine, then the connection between smokers and people who have heart attacks would be nothing more than a coincidence. They proceeded to fund every psychological study that pushed the two personality types, then did everything they could to make sure the American public accepted it. So the next time you hear someone describe themselves as a real "Type A" personality, tell them the truth about where that comes from. Then, for fun, tell them to calm down. Listen close and you might even hear the artery pop!

Spain, a neutral party during WWI, was the first to report massive numbers of deaths, because they figured that massive numbers of deaths were a thing worth reporting. But after Spain named the elephant in the room, the rest of the world repaid them by reporting their own casualties as being due to the "Spanish flu." It appears that global pandemics function on "they who smelt it, dealt it" rules. Which is weird, because one of the first cases of "Spanish flu" was traced to Kansas, two months before the first case in Spain. Kansas may have even been the origin point, according to historical evidence. They don't even have a good tapas bar, yet they managed to create the Spanish flu.

But the story of the Cuban Missile Crisis is just that: a story. It didn't happen the way you've been taught, and we only believe what we do because the Kennedy administration actively misled the public about the crisis. You probably think Soviet ships were on the cusp of crossing the blockade line when Kennedy unzipped, but in reality, the lead ship was already 750 miles away by that point. If Kennedy swung his dick, it was at their quickly retreating backs -- a gesture he was likely familiar with.

An integral part of the mythos is that Kennedy made no concessions during the crisis, but he and Nikita Khrushchev had already negotiated beforehand, with both making huge concessions. The Soviets didn't turn away until Kennedy guaranteed he would never invade Cuba, and they would only take their missiles home if America took their Jupiter missiles out of Turkey. (Which, by the way, was the whole reason Russia was moving missiles to Cuba -- America had already done the same thing, but in Turkey.) Then JFK went home and played the diplomatic equivalent of that kid in grade school who insists he's a Black Belt in "Tae Karate Do."

Yes, there really was a Dutch tulip craze, but it had about as much effect on the economy as Beanie Babies.

Rare breeds did indeed fetch a high price, but they were luxury items, like premium headphones these days. If Dr. Dre went bankrupt tomorrow, you wouldn't call that an economic crisis. And nobody even went bankrupt when tulips inevitably fell out of fashion. They simply moved on to the next big things -- presumably dank herb and loose women, which also happen to be interests of Dr. Dre.

Which is where the Calvinists come in. They began circulating pamphlets decrying the devil's perennial with the aforementioned myths, and the tales caught on. Why did the Calvinists choose to take up this, of all mantles? They felt that rampant consumerism, as symbolized by the tulip industry, would lead the country away from God, turning the Netherlands into a den of sin. And ... well, were they wrong?

It's an epic tale of the underdog defeating almighty evil, overcoming the odds through sheer pluck and creativity. It's The Karate Kid, basically. The Karate Kid with guns. And Nazis. And it almost certainly didn't happen.

The Nazis had no records of either a "Major Konig" or the school where he supposedly taught. Say what you will about the Nazis, but they were meticulous note-takers. The opponents' stated positions are inconsistent with historical record, and attempts to pinpoint exactly when this happened have been met with little more than dismissive hand-waving. But Zaitsev's winning shot -- his crane kick, as it were -- seems the most ridiculous. His story is that he waited it out until the afternoon sunlight was at the perfect angle to reflect off Konig's scope, giving away his position. This wasn't merely a Nazi sniper; this was the guy who taught Nazi snipers. Why would he make such a rookie mistake?

So what really happened? At best, Zaitsev shot some Nazi nobody, and the USSR propaganda machine took control to boost morale. At worst, they made the story up completely, and Zaitsev went along with it. Good thing we live in a country where nobody would ever make up some elite sniper BS and use it as jingoistic propaganda.