Spencer Thew
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Nathan Wadowski
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Dan Hopper
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Cal Wiseman Murray
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Peter I. Santiago
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Many actors have a signature style. Tom Cruise loves to run, Nicolas Cage can never be more than six inches from fire, and Sylvester Stallone likes to add a brief fart sound to the middle of every word. But those can easily be explained away -- by intensity, insanity, and mouth-full-of-farts, respectively. But no one can explain why the following five stars keep having the same bizarrely specific things happen to them in every single movie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned himself into a glistening tank of a human, but all those thousands of hours at the gym seem to have made him extremely insecure about his home life. In True Lies, he plays a top-secret government ultra spy posing as a run-of-the-mill 300-pound bodybuilding software salesman, but he gets murderously jealous when his neglected wife seeks out "adventure" in the form of sleazy used car salesman Bill Paxton.
20th Century Fox"Guess your wife likes the confidence that comes from being a total fucking douchebag, bro!"
Then, in Jingle All The Way, Arnold reprises his role as "shitty inept husband," sans being an ultra spy (he's just a regular superhuman giant), and again gets insanely jealous when he notices his wife's been spending time with a certain popular-with-the-neighborhood-housewives Phil Hartman.
20th Century Fox"I couldn't help but notice your gigantic muscles. Well, I only work out one muscle, and here's a hint which one: THE PENIS."
In Total Recall, Arnold's wife-stealing fears play out in the most nightmarish way possible: He finds out the woman he thinks is the love of his life is actually a double agent who's secretly with Richter, a villain who implanted fake memories into his brain to make him think he and his wife had a life together.
TriStar Pictures"What are the last five words you'd ever expect a man with my face and hairline to say? No, not 'THIS HAIRCUT WAS 60 DOLLARS.' The answer was 'YOUR WIFE IS FUCKING ME.'"
All three cuckolders get their comeuppance, though. Arnold uses a vast amount of CIA resources to illegally stage a prank to get Paxton to pee his pants, Hartman gets rejection eggnog thrown on him when he goes full creep, and in Total Recall, Arnold shoots his fake wife in the head, says, "CONSIDA DAT A DIVORCE," then tears Richter's arms off and drops the rest of him down an elevator shaft. So in each case, love won in the end.
Take a look at Mads Mikkelsen's face. Particularly his eyes.
Sony Pictures TelevisionNow, if you even can, try to tear your eyes away.
They seem all right, as far as eyes go. Nice brown color, good spacing and symmetry ... no real problems worth mentioning. And yet for some reason, every filmmaker's reaction when they see those eyes is "I must annihilate them at all costs. Cut them out! Burn them out! Bring me the weeping children of Mads Mikkelsen's eyes so they can look upon their father's destroyer!!!"
We ... we should probably start explaining.
The trend started in Casino Royale, Mikkelsen's introduction to the world outside Scandinavia. In that film, his character's left eye is horribly scarred, leaving him weeping blood in moments of high stress.
Eon ProductionsWe're talking about the one that had all the color carved out of it with a dull fork.
Mads' gooey eye isn't a plot point, or even a setup for one of Bond's one-liners. Instead, someone just looked at Mikkelsen and demanded that they fuck up his left eye before filming. And then someone completely different decided the same thing two movies later in Valhalla Rising. Mikkelsen's character not only has a wad of elbow skin for a left eye in the film, but he is actually called One Eye.
Scanbox EntertainmentDanish pinkeye does not fuck around.
Mikkelsen's rising star meant his agent had more power to bargain, so they must have reached a compromise in the film after that. In The Three Musketeers, his character is absolutely still missing a left eye, but he gets to wear a cool eye patch over it instead of a prosthetic ball sack.
Summit Entertainment"I'm here to talk to you about the Musketeers initiative."
But instead of quenching their hatred of Mikkelsen's eye, such an affront only made Hollywood's anger grow. The Union of Hollywood Theatrical Artists Specifically for Mads Mikkelsen's Eyes protested, and so in Doctor Strange, Mikkelsen's eyes are two burning embers at the center of eight pounds of makeup.
Marvel StudiosIn other words, FABULOUS.
It's obvious that Hollywood will not rest until it has pried those orbs right from Mikkelsen's head, so Mads made the wise move to branch out to other media. He became best friends with Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima and agreed to star in his next game, Death Stranding. And if you'd like to see the new and interesting direction Kojima is taking Mikkelsen, here's a screenshot of what his character will look like!
Sony Interactive EntertainmentYou, uh ... you got a little something in your ...
Over the course of his film career, Keanu Reeves has traveled through time, gotten in superman fights with armies of computer programs, and once helped Sandra Bullock launch a bus in a manner that spat in the very mouth of physics. But the most frequent shenanigan Reeves runs into is finding himself tied to a cybernetic chair.
He got a taste for it in Johnny Mnemonic, a film about the 1990s trying to create a black hole of self-parody. Keanu plays a human flash drive in a futuristic cyber world thought up by someone very, very cynical about humanity's ability to miniaturize data storage. He enters the virtual reality via a cyber chair, whereby he risks the dangers of over-storage meltdown to ... you know what? It's pretty hard to explain Johnny Mnemonic in one paragraph. Imagine the kind of cyberpunk you would hate if you were into cyberpunk, and then add a dolphin. Wait ... is that it? Holy shit, we did it!
TriStar PicturesIn that tank behind the chair? That's the dolphin we were talking about!
Later, Reeves starred in The Matrix, in which most of the plot and interior sets were made up of cyber chairs. Keanu was quickly becoming Hollywood's go-to star for stories about people whose bodies are in chairs but whose minds are absolutely not.
Warner Bros. PicturesAbove: The People's Choice winner for Actor Most Often in Cyber Chairs.
Keanu even manages to find a way to incorporate cyber chairs in movies about magic. In Constantine, the title character has a chair called "The Chair," which lets him get glimpses of Lucifer's son Mammon obtaining the Spear of Destiny. It's another film we shouldn't try to explain in a paragraph. The point is, he's a wizard in a world of magic, and Keanu still found a way to shoot his brain into virtual reality while strapped into a chair.
Warner Bros. Pictures"My contract clearly states that my mind and my body cannot ever appear in the same scene."
Keanu doesn't always send his mind away when he's strapped into a cyber chair. In The Day The Earth Stood Still, he plays an alien named Klaatu. The story sees him tied to an ordinary chair and pointlessly covered in sensors by government agents who had to have been waiting their whole lives to fuck with an alien, yet still manage to screw the whole thing up.
20th Century Fox"Does your Earth sensor pick up how disappointing this all is? To everyone?"
The Day The Earth Stood Still marked Keanu's growth as an actor. He demonstrated he could get strapped to chairs with fewer and fewer devices. He went even further in Knock Knock, in which he gets tied to a chair that only includes headphones.
Lionsgate"I SAID! WE'RE BREAKING FOR LUNCH! WE'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT 90 MINUTES! GREAT WORK THIS MORNING, KEANU!"
Reeves finally "made it" as a fully cyber-free chair actor in the acclaimed action film John Wick, which has him tied to a chair with absolutely no electric wires or cables. It is attached to zero cyber dolphins and no alternate digital realities. It was a long and confusing road getting here, but here he is ...
Summit Entertainment
... living the dream!
Before Jim & Andy documented the full and intolerable depths of his self-indulgence, Jim Carrey was a beloved performer known for his goofy overacting and pseudo-philosophical public meltdowns. One recurring theme in Carrey's performances, however, seems to have flown under the radar for years: Namely, that his rubbery face doubles as a bug magnet. Let's start with the fly that crawls across his eyeball in the stupidly premised Yes Man.
Warner Bros. PicturesYes Man is a movie about a man who can't say no to things! Even flies on his eyeball!
In Me, Myself, And Irene, Jim's face and mouth get covered in bugs, and he absolutely doesn't care. Oddly enough, in Dumb And Dumber, he mentions swallowing a junebug off-camera as a reason he's not hungry. We're not sure what this means, but Carrey's characters seem to be the only people who are totally fine with live insects flying into their mouths and eyes. Are all his movies secretly zombie movies? Candyman spinoffs?
20th Century Fox"Turn out the lights and say my name five times in your mirror to find out!"
Here's a fun GIF from How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and we're beginning to suspect this wasn't even in the script. This is simply what happens when Carrey stops moving his mouth for more than five seconds.
Universal PicturesWhat you know as Jim Carrey is merely an elastic bag holding the host of Swarmog, insect mass of Nebulo 8.
The man is covered and filled with insects in a way that may account for his inhuman gyrations. It doesn't seem to be limited to the set, either. He once told a Jimmy Kimmel audience all about the mites that started living in his beard. When it comes to Jim Carrey, the question isn't whether or not he has a bug on him; it's where, how many dozens, and how many eggs they are laying.
"Cut! We're going to need to fumigate Jim again."
If you don't count wacky comedies involving weddings, you don't see toasts in very many movies. But when you do, there's a 90 percent chance Leo DiCaprio is the one giving it. Every single filmmaker agrees that the man looks good delivering a dramatic speech with booze in his hand.
Here we have the first instance, from Baz Luhrman's Romeo + Juliet. DiCaprio gives the "here's to my love" speech to what he thinks is his dead lover before downing poison.
20th Century Fox"So let's raise a glass of Drano to my dead girlfriend. What? She's not d- ACK!"
Seeing him deliver such a heartfelt speech with poison on hand, James Cameron wanted to see what the kid could do with real liquor. So in Titanic, he has Leo deliver a speech on how the people about to be eaten by the ocean should "make each day count."
Paramount Pictures"To staying warm and strong swimming! Here here!"
And here he is in The Man In The Iron Mask, a movie where they put the highest-paid actor on the planet's head inside a bucket for most of the running time. He's toasting to his mother and his own reign as king.
United ArtistsThese toasts aren't ... working out so great yet.
His next cinematic cup-hoist came in Gangs Of New York, in which he disguises his threat to kill the man who murdered his father as a toast.
Miramax"And here's to the guy who killed my dad! Fuck you, buddy."
Next, in the smash hit everyone surely saw, Revolutionary Road, DiCaprio makes a toast to Kate Winslet being pregnant, right before Michael Shannon manages to shatter the facade and reduce DiCaprio to a screaming, violent wreck. The point is: Nothing good ever happens after a DiCaprio toast.
DreamWorks
Leonardo loves toasting so much that he does it even when it's not appropriate. Here he is explaining the rules of Inception. It's one of the most important and complicated speeches anyone in a film has ever had to give, so he of course does it by standing up and raising a glass of wine.
Warner Bros. Pictures"So raise your glasses to how time works differently inside a dream, but then also dreaming people have to fall out of their chairs to wake up, and if you die in your dreams, you become a centaur in the next realm up, even if it's real life."
In Django Unchained, they had DiCaprio's curiosity, and then they had his attention ... a line that might have been clunky and overwritten had he not punctuated it with a ridiculous drink.
The Weinstein Company"It wasn't really a toast, I suppose. I just like delivering 40 percent of all movie scripts while I drink."
In The Wolf Of Wall Street, Leo sarcastically toasts the impotent FBI agents to show them that dickheads can do anything they want if they're rich enough.
Paramount Pictures"Here's to the rest of you fuckers taking that lesson, too. I'm Leo DiCaprio, and each toast I make is so, so awful."
Every single one of this man's toasts leads to dark and terrible things, but he keeps doing them. You cannot stop him. Here he is in the Departed, giving a quick toast right into the side of another man's head.
Warner Bros. Pictures"Here's to you, FUCKING HEAD."
The point we're trying to make is that if you see Leonardo DiCaprio start to raise his glass, run.
Warner Bros. Pictures"Here's to you being too late. You're already dead."
It really was only a matter of time before someone put Leo on a wine glass.
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For more check out 9 Actors Who Do the Exact Same Thing on Every Movie Poster and 6 Actors Who Play the Exact Same Role in Multiple Movies.
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