Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Constantly Worried About Losing His Wife To Leering Shitheads
Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned himself into a glistening tank of a human, but all those thousands of hours at the gym seem to have made him extremely insecure about his home life. In True Lies, he plays a top-secret government ultra spy posing as a run-of-the-mill 300-pound bodybuilding software salesman, but he gets murderously jealous when his neglected wife seeks out "adventure" in the form of sleazy used car salesman Bill Paxton.
20th Century Fox"Guess your wife likes the confidence that comes from being a total fucking douchebag, bro!"
Then, in Jingle All The Way, Arnold reprises his role as "shitty inept husband," sans being an ultra spy (he's just a regular superhuman giant), and again gets insanely jealous when he notices his wife's been spending time with a certain popular-with-the-neighborhood-housewives Phil Hartman.
20th Century Fox"I couldn't help but notice your gigantic muscles. Well, I only work out one muscle, and here's a hint which one: THE PENIS."
In Total Recall, Arnold's wife-stealing fears play out in the most nightmarish way possible: He finds out the woman he thinks is the love of his life is actually a double agent who's secretly with Richter, a villain who implanted fake memories into his brain to make him think he and his wife had a life together.
TriStar Pictures"What are the last five words you'd ever expect a man with my face and hairline to say? No, not 'THIS HAIRCUT WAS 60 DOLLARS.' The answer was 'YOUR WIFE IS FUCKING ME.'"
All three cuckolders get their comeuppance, though. Arnold uses a vast amount of CIA resources to illegally stage a prank to get Paxton to pee his pants, Hartman gets rejection eggnog thrown on him when he goes full creep, and in Total Recall, Arnold shoots his fake wife in the head, says, "CONSIDA DAT A DIVORCE," then tears Richter's arms off and drops the rest of him down an elevator shaft. So in each case, love won in the end.
Hollywood Will Always, Always Destroy Mads Mikkelsen's Eyes
Take a look at Mads Mikkelsen's face. Particularly his eyes.
Sony Pictures TelevisionNow, if you even can, try to tear your eyes away.