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Oh sweet, my dog can now get drunk with me? No? This alcohol isn't alcoholic? Well then what's the point?

I'm all for treating your pet animal as a human being. I consider my dog a human. I dress her up in clothing, put five-fingered gloves on her hands, and have one-sided conversations with her for hours. Sometimes, I put her in a stroller, roll around town, and demand that people compliment my pretty baby. She's as human as you or I, being a dog doesn't change that. Can she talk? No. Does she have object permanence or theory of mind? No. Can she resist licking her butthole in public? No. But she's a person. A tiny person, covered in fur, who poops in front of strangers.

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That's why I demand that her alcoholic beverages actually have alcohol in them. I want to get crunk with my dog. What's the point of giving her colored, flavor-water if she doesn't get shih tzu-faced? She's a normal human, and deserves to have her kidneys ruined like a human. I'm praying for the day when dog cigarettes are on the market, because I'm hoping my little pup will smoke a pack a day, just like her momma.

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