6 Movies Where Centuries-Old Problems Got Fixed In 2 Seconds

Valak is a giant dick. But we suppose you don't become president of Hell because someone forgot to baptize you. Besides shoving couches, he orchestrates one of the most chilling massacres in U.S. history, the Amityville murders. So viewers probably expected him to be a formidable opponent. And sure enough, the two paranormal investigators who go up against him looked seriously outmatched. They're taking on a metaphysical monster without a single nuclear accelerator on their backs.

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

Valak has one very stupid weakness: his name. If you speak his name, he is banished back to Hell. This raises a few questions. Why should this work? Does it work if you scream his Twitter handle? Can you give him a nickname and then scream it? All we know is that a demon should probably never tell anyone his name for any reason. Which, unfortunately, Valak does at the very first opportunity.

Warner Bros. Pictures"Fear me, for I have one-third the strength of Beetlejuice!"

This idiot demon, who obviously didn't read even the first page of his haunting manual, can't help but answer the protagonist's question "Who are you?!" by yelling his name out loud. The exchange occurs within a chilling dream sequence, so it's possible that Valak, Lord of Terror, got overexcited and dropped the ball. Either way, you'd expect a conniving archdemon to have a little more sense.

The protagonist later recites the name and promptly brings Valak's antics to an end. This is at the point when Valak has moved from interior decoration to full-on demolition, tearing the haunted house asunder and endangering its inhabitants. But within moments of his name being called out, the reign of terror ends. The dumber-than-dumb demon is defeated and the movie gets a happy ending. We're maybe not in a position to make fun of someone for who they elect president, but nice work, Hell. Your president sucks.

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

OK, so the Medjai are useless, despite having the truly amazing ability to convince soldiers that ancient mummy sorcerers are real even after thousands of uneventful years. They had an entire brigade of mummy scholars and mummy fighters, and not one of them noticed how they already had the answer to defeating mummies all along. It took a plucky junior librarian to find a detail they all overlooked. Hidden behind a puzzle barely complicated enough for a Resident Evil tutorial are some books that take away the mummy's powers. And worse than that, Brendan Fraser figures out a much dumber mummy solution -- it turns out the Mummy is fucking afraid of house cats.

Universal PicturesNo one was kidding! The Mummy runs away like a toddler when he sees a house cat! This is a real movie! How? Why!?

The main plot follows a couple, Burt and Vicky, travelling cross-country for work when they run over a boy running out of the corn. They start looking for help and run into an elderly mechanic. He is not very helpful. Indeed, he has a pact with the cult whereby he supplies them with gas and they let him live in terror as the last adult. So he sends Burt and Vicky straight into Corn-Murder Town.

New World Pictures"It's right down that way. If you get to the end of the road and you're still alive, you've gone too far."

Burt and Vicky make it to town and run into the spooky kids doing spooky things for their spooky god, but they discover that not all of the children are down with murder. Two children with names that are totally not heavy-handed biblical symbolism, Job and Sarah, join the adults in resisting the cult. They eventually seek shelter in a barn, where Bible research and a psychic vision from Sarah lead them to the conclusion that they must destroy the cornfield and He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Well, yeah. No shit.

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

The vision and the Bible passage give no special prescription on how to kill He Who Walks Behind the Rows and stop the cult. Because seriously, how do you kill an evil corn god? So they figure they'll set the cornfield on fire. And here's what's crazy: It totally works. That's it. Burt and Job splash around a few gallons of gasoline and throw a Molotov cocktail, and BOOM, Corn God is dead.

New World PicturesWe're not advocating for the immolation of children ... but if you had to pick one kid to throw a Molotov at ...

No incantations or ceremonial daggers; just a regular fire. There's a man with a gas station living in fear of Corn God and his child slaves, and he never thought to try fire? You might not be brave enough to admit we're right, but every adult who loses a fight to a cornfield without trying fire deserves to die.

For as long as she can remember, Ella has had to find inventive ways of hiding her affliction, since it would leave her at the mercy of anyone who wanted to control her. She finally fails and an evil regent learns about her curse. Ella knew this skin-crawling day would come, but it takes a different direction than you might expect. He orders her to murder her true love. What can she do but kill him and then settle in for a lifetime of unspeakable experiences?

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

When you hear this, it's going to sound too obvious to be possible. But here we go: Ella glimpses herself in a mirror, and tells herself not to obey any more commands, freeing herself from the curse. It's almost something a person might try if this awful curse was all they thought about all day, every day. Even if Ella didn't think to give herself commands, why didn't her mother ever try it? This went on for like two decades. She never thought to tell herself to not be cursed? Her plan was to hope no one told her to do things? Has she never even heard of sexism? The world's dumbest moron would at least think to blow out their eardrums with air horns and deliberately avoid learning sign language. TRY GIVING ME ORDERS NOW, DICKHEADS.

Walt Disney Studios"Especially when I can tell myself to do cool Matrix moves."

Take the first Tomb Raider movie, in which Angelina Jolie bravely battles both the script and the Illuminati. The latter are hunting an ancient triangle which has the power to control time. It's explained that the triangle was created by an advanced ancient civilization, but its misuse eventually destroyed their city and they realized it was too dangerous for mankind to possess. So they broke it into two pieces and hid them in Cambodia and Siberia. However, the Illuminati plans to unite them during an eclipse. It's all very standard stuff.

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

Lara Croft shoots the triangle, destroying it. Seriously, it's broken really easily by ordinary, non-magical weapons. There's no clear reason the ancient civilization that created the triangle didn't do this. They snapped it in two with a big hammer ... why not keep whacking it into powder instead of building huge mystical temples at opposite ends of Asia and hiding the easily reassembled triangle there for 5,000 years? And Croft isn't the only superhero wasting her time with easily solved shit.

Paramount PicturesAn all-powerful device ... so brittle it couldn't even slow down a bullet.

We've mentioned before how in Hellboy: The Golden Army, there's an unstoppable army of elf-bots controlled by a magic crown, and the Elf King breaks the crown into three pieces to protect the world. When it gets reassembled by his evil son, the Hellboy team gets the crown back and ... melts it? Couldn't the Elf King have done that? It's made extremely clear that he wasn't willing to use the crown under any circumstances, even as his people were dying out, so why keep it around at all? At least break it into 50 pieces instead of three, Jesus.

Universal Pictures"You know how long that would take? I got king shit to do."

The same thing happens again in RIPD. According to the Ryan Reynolds trainwreck, the Staff of Jericho is an incredibly powerful ancient gold pillar which allows the dead to return and conquer Earth. It's mentioned that the RIPD death cops seized and destroyed it 3,000 years ago. But when they say "destroyed it," they apparently meant "broke it into a small number of large pieces and left it scattered around the Earth." This is especially inexplicable considering how they completely shatter it by dropping a bulldozer on it at the end of the movie. The point is, ancient civilizations need to either stop making weapons of mass destruction or actually fucking get rid of them when they get cold feet about destroying the world.

Universal PicturesOr make them out of materials sturdier than Popsicle sticks and marshmallows.

When E.M. Caris is not writing for Cracked, you can read his food writing over at the spice subscription service allyoucanspice.com. Alex Perry is a freelancer who wrote an adult novel about time-traveling stalker and a heartwarming kid's book about a boy and his genetically modified pig / organ donor. You can follow her on Twitter.

Check out the first Hellboy by Guillermo Del Toro to see ancient evil getting thoroughly wrecked the old fashioned way, and Mike Mignola's comics because they're also just great.

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