Ancient Civilizations Keep Hiding Evil Artifacts That Can Be Destroyed Really Easily
Let's role-play this one out. You're the Shark-King of old Atlantis, and you've coughed up a delicate mystic crystal that lets you control the waves. But the power of the crystal is too great, and you worry that the sinister Manta Society plots to steal it for themselves. What can you do to keep the world safe from your deadly creation? If you said "Crush the thing and move on with your day," then congratulations! You're smarter than every ancient civilization in movies ever.
Take the first Tomb Raider movie, in which Angelina Jolie bravely battles both the script and the Illuminati. The latter are hunting an ancient triangle which has the power to control time. It's explained that the triangle was created by an advanced ancient civilization, but its misuse eventually destroyed their city and they realized it was too dangerous for mankind to possess. So they broke it into two pieces and hid them in Cambodia and Siberia. However, the Illuminati plans to unite them during an eclipse. It's all very standard stuff.
The Weirdly Easy Solution:
Lara Croft shoots the triangle, destroying it. Seriously, it's broken really easily by ordinary, non-magical weapons. There's no clear reason the ancient civilization that created the triangle didn't do this. They snapped it in two with a big hammer ... why not keep whacking it into powder instead of building huge mystical temples at opposite ends of Asia and hiding the easily reassembled triangle there for 5,000 years? And Croft isn't the only superhero wasting her time with easily solved shit.
Paramount PicturesAn all-powerful device ... so brittle it couldn't even slow down a bullet.
We've mentioned before how in Hellboy: The Golden Army, there's an unstoppable army of elf-bots controlled by a magic crown, and the Elf King breaks the crown into three pieces to protect the world. When it gets reassembled by his evil son, the Hellboy team gets the crown back and ... melts it? Couldn't the Elf King have done that? It's made extremely clear that he wasn't willing to use the crown under any circumstances, even as his people were dying out, so why keep it around at all? At least break it into 50 pieces instead of three, Jesus.
Universal Pictures"You know how long that would take? I got king shit to do."
The same thing happens again in RIPD. According to the Ryan Reynolds trainwreck, the Staff of Jericho is an incredibly powerful ancient gold pillar which allows the dead to return and conquer Earth. It's mentioned that the RIPD death cops seized and destroyed it 3,000 years ago. But when they say "destroyed it," they apparently meant "broke it into a small number of large pieces and left it scattered around the Earth." This is especially inexplicable considering how they completely shatter it by dropping a bulldozer on it at the end of the movie. The point is, ancient civilizations need to either stop making weapons of mass destruction or actually fucking get rid of them when they get cold feet about destroying the world.
Universal PicturesOr make them out of materials sturdier than Popsicle sticks and marshmallows.
When E.M. Caris is not writing for Cracked, you can read his food writing over at the spice subscription service allyoucanspice.com. Alex Perry is a freelancer who wrote an adult novel about time-traveling stalker and a heartwarming kid's book about a boy and his genetically modified pig / organ donor. You can follow her on Twitter.
Check out the first Hellboy by Guillermo Del Toro to see ancient evil getting thoroughly wrecked the old fashioned way, and Mike Mignola's comics because they're also just great.
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