Hell Is Full Of Aborted Fetuses That Shoot Lightning Bolts From Their Eyes
Since Hell isn't actually in the Bible a whole lot, early Christian texts tried to fill that void while having a little fun with eternal damnation. Like a hip middle school vice principal, the 1st century apocryphal text the Apocalypse of Peter thought that the punishment should fit the crime. For example, if a woman braided her hair and seduced a man with those braids, then she would hang by her irresistibly sexy hair over a boiling swamp. The man she seduced, meanwhile, would be suspended by his thighs, and his head would be dunked in sewage. Maybe they were going for a "keep your mind out of the gutter" pun?
Anyway, abortion was an even more dire sin than hair-braiding, yet the punishment is equally poop-centric: A woman who gets an abortion has to sit neck-deep in a pit of "excretions." Why only neck-deep? Because the aborted baby would sit above her, shooting their would-be mom in the face with "rays of fire" (sometimes translated as "lighting"). That's right, getting aborted turns you into Cyclops from the X-Men.
The punishment for leaving a newborn out in the wilderness to die is even worse. Instead of hanging out in the shit pit while getting drilled by lasers, the mother would be attacked by monsters made out of her own breast milk, "which shall come forth and turn and torment them forever with their husbands." Does the mention of "husbands" mean the father is spared from the boob juice monster rampage if they're not married to the mother? Please consult your local priest and let us know what he says.
There were efforts to get this wackiness in the New Testament, but ultimately it didn't make the cut. Not because of all the crazy poop-themed torture porn, mind you, but because in the 4th century, the Bishop of Athanasius picked another text (the now-canonical Book of Revelations) as the best for him to use against other Christians who questioned him. The shit rivers and tit demons didn't factor into it.
Alex Perry is a freelancer who wrote an adult novel about a time-traveling stalker, as well as a heartwarming kid's book that retells the classic story of a boy's friendship with his genetically modified pig / organ donor. She wants an agent to help her sell those books, and for you to follow her on Twitter.
Love Cracked? Want exclusive content? Prefer an ad-free experience? We've got you covered. Sign up for our Subscription Service for all that and more.
Also check out 6 Bible Stories Where The Moral Was 'Haha F*ck You, I'm God' and 5 Shocking Scenes You Won't Believe Are in the Bible.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If '16 and Pregnant' Was Around for the Nativity Story, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we'll follow you everywhere.