What's everyone talking about now? Well...
Amazon knows that we all dream of a future where we never have to leave our houses or make contact with other human beings. We are one step closer now that they've patented flying warehouse technology. This means near instant gratification and never the need for even the slightest semblance of patience again. Lonely? Click a button and have a girlfriend pillow or boyfriend pillow jettisoned to your house. Sure, it may have no head or discernible human features, but it has an arm for hugging!
After romancing your new pillow husband/wife, you might be feeling a bit peckish. How about a massive bag of Lucky Charms, but only the marshmallows? Moments after clicking "buy" a box will crash through your window and deliver pure sugar right to your face hole. The future is going to be incredible.
It was Nostradamus who predicted, "The moon shall eclipse the sun, and two weeks hence, there shall be a great march of angry clowns. And also of Juggalos." Like the great pilgrimage of animals to drink from the same water hole, this grand spectacle will be something to behold. The attendants will be in full plumage, one side bearing red hats, ill-fitting polos and chinos, the other in clown makeup. It will take a discerning eye to spot the difference.
The Trump supporters are gathering to "defend" the "traditional American culture," a statement that seems just a teensy bit tone deaf in light of the recent Charlottesville Nazi rallies. In contrast, the Juggalos are marching under a bold mission statement in response to the FBI and DOJ classifying them as a "loosely organized hybrid gang," aka, "scientists bred humans with clowns and the experiment has gone horribly awry." Their website declares that the, "Juggalo Family must truly shine and show America and the world that we are not a gang, public menace, cult, or any of the other untrue labels they have attempted to slap on us throughout the years," and that they will "rise up and unite to clear our name."
The attendants of these marches are going to be so blindingly white, snowshoe hares are going to use them as cover to hide from foxes.
In response to the horrifying Nazi rally violence in Charlottesville, and President Trump's baffling lack of condemnation of white nationalists, Obama tweeted "No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion." It has quickly become the most liked tweet in Twitter history. It was the fifth most retweeted, beaten by a teenager asking Wendy's for free nuggets. What does this say about our society that we retweet free Wendy's more than anti-racism? I guess we'll have to pepper our defense of civil rights with pro-free-Wendy's messages. "Hey, let's all unequivocally oppose Nazis and the KKK, and defend the right to protest hate groups! Also let's score some free Queso Bacon Burgers!"
How do we improve public schools? Create a first class/second class structure! That was the idea proposed, and (allegedly accidentally) sent out to parents at a school in Florida. The school form offered a variety of rewards in return for donations, including a "front of the lunch line pass," allowing children of the more generous (cough-wealthy-cough) parents to skip ahead of those sad proles stuck waiting for their chicken nugz. But I think it's a shame the principal and PTSA retracted this idea. As we all know, public schools are in dire need of more cash. And what are we supposed to do, use our tax money to fund a bunch of stupid children who don't even have productive jobs? Did you know that children don't pay any taxes? So these money-grubbing little moochers expect big daddy government to take care of them while all they contribute to our GDP is hand turkeys?
No. I will bravely stand in the face of these children and say no. No more free rides. If you want to be treated with respect in school, you've got to start paying. This will teach children how the real world operates, where wealthy people get to fly first class, and the cheapskate "economy" class gets physically beaten and violently removed from the plane. They have to be taught that being poor comes with consequences, otherwise where would their motivation be to become wealthy?
Time to pay up, children. Did you wet yourself and you'd like to avoid being publicly humiliated? A donation of $75 will get you a new pair of pants and a Sham-wow. No donation? No problem, but you know, it does get awfully...chatty in the teacher's lounge, just saying. Would you like to be popular? A one time installment of $4,000 will get you "called to the principal's office," whereupon you can review a variety of brochures detailing different acts of cool defiance that you'd like to get "suspended for." You'll be sent to the beautiful Cayman Islands for a week, and when you return, you'll be greeted as a hero by your peers for "setting fire to Mr. Albertson's mustache." Heck, if you've got enough dough you can get a voucher to bully a nerd for an hour consequence-free. The cow may say "moo," and the duck may say "quack," but money talks.
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.
Here are a few historically important sites to which time has been more than unkind.