5 Batsh** Details About Trump-Russia Nobody's Talking About
When he isn't busy golfing, going to bat for Neo-Nazis, or bragging about how his largesse allows him to sexually assault women, Donald Trump spends his days complaining about how hard it is to be a billionaire president -- in private, on Twitter, in front of thousands of random Boy Scouts, and so forth.
One of the prime targets for his daily bellyaching is former FBI director Robert Mueller's investigation into a) Russia's interference of the 2016 U.S. presidential election, and b) whether or not Trump's team did some shady shit with Russian officials. And despite the fact that this sordid tale is all over every (non-FOX) news station these days, the press has somehow neglected to tell you the most weird-ass details. We're talking about gonzo crap like how ...
Part Of The Evidence Against Trump Is A Corny Russian Pop Music Video
You probably won't be too surprised to hear that Donald Trump wound up making a cameo in a Russian music video a few years back. After all, he's squeezed his sebaceous mane into a Gremlins movie, a Sex And The City episode, and dozens of other movies and shows. He's like Stan Lee, if Stan Lee were a moldering batch of toilet pruno who had a racist fairy godmother.
The video in question, 2013's "In Another Life" by Russian pop singer Emin Agalarov, featured Trump at the very end, blurting out his "You're fired!" catchphrase from The Apprentice (and, you know, the White House).
The video also features gratuitous cameos from Miss Universe contestants, but Trump's connection to Agalarov goes way deeper than a shared love of butts. Emin's dad Aras is a stupid-rich real-estate developer with close ties to Vladimir Putin -- he is often referred to as the "Donald Trump of Russia" (but we thought Donald Trump was the Donald Trump of Russia?). The two billionaires became buds after Trump's Miss Universe pageant was hosted by an Agalarov-owned venue in Russia. Trump even implied that the two men had brokered an agreement on a Trump Tower in Moscow, though zero evidence exists that such a deal was ever made.
"I'll pencil you in, between 'Screaming' and 'Diarrhea.' "
The pop-star son then nestled himself in the good graces of Trump even more, playing concerts for him, hosting him in the aforementioned music video ... and, oh yeah, setting up private meetings with Kremlin-associated Russian lawyers and Donald Trump, Jr., with the promise of some good dirt on Trump's then-political opponent, Hillary Clinton. (You may have heard about that little incident if you've turned on a TV at all during the past month.)
So this crap-sack club-bumping song is just one little tidbit in the investigation trying to prove some canoodling between two camps who amateurishly shat out more unintentional evidence than any guilty people ever. And given Emin's passion projects, who knows how deep this rabbit hole goes?
"I have a great idea for a song about human rights violations and carrots."
Russian Media Is Busy Talking About Fidget Spinner Conspiracies
So what does Russia's media make of this whole situation? Well, in keeping with their national motto: They don't give a shit. They especially don't care about the previously mentioned meeting between Trump Jr. and the Russian lawyer. The Russian papers also didn't take much notice of former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn's own clandestine Russia session, even after he got fired over it. Any problematic detail is dismissed as the product of those hyperactive American imaginations.
Remember back in May, when Trump hosted Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov at the White House, only to allow zero U.S. journalists in the room and casually drop some classified information? Russia's state-controlled media definitely doesn't, because they either didn't cover the story, or just deny it didn't happen. A few pundits talked about it only to dismiss The Washington Post's thorough report on the matter as "mudslinging." Why, if we didn't know any better, we'd think Russia has Trump's back or something.
So what important, world-peace-threatening matter does the Russian media care about? These instruments of pure evil:
Hey, sorry everyone, we're Team Russia now.
Yes, the country's news outlets aren't worried about their government allegedly slipping their tendrils into a rival superpower's election -- they're too busy getting in a tizzy over the proliferation of fidget spinners. Yup, Russia's government-run news channels have been doing stories on how the Western world is trying to bring down the country with these latest dumbshit doodads. Apparently, fidget spinners exist to give more power to Russia's opposition parties, and they are particularly excellent at recruiting young supporters, "zombify[ing] people so they could be manipulated." In response, the Russian government has vowed to investigate this mass-crowd-control doohickey.
So yeah. That's what they're going to investigate. A spinning toy. They're going to investigate that. Because there's absolutely nothing else of interest going on otherwise.
The Other Guy Involved In The Trump Jr. Meeting Is, Well, Something Else
The revolving cast of characters who populate the broke-ass Soulcalibur fighter selection screen that is the Trump administration is endless, so let's add another name to the list. See, the mega-popular Russian pop star with a billionaire dad didn't set up the meeting between a Kremlin lawyer and Donald Trump's son alone -- Michael Jackson's one-time music publicist, Rob Goldstone, also had a hand in making that rendezvous happen. If you doubt that for some reason, simply check Goldstone's Facebook status on the morning of the meeting:
Unfortunately, there isn't a mood emoticon for "potentially committing treason."
Goldstone, a former tabloid writer, had worked with Emin Agalarov before and set up the meeting at the request of the Russian music sensation. Because who better to handle this delicate international situation than a man whose social media presence consists mostly of funny hat selfies ...
... and terribly subtle T-shirts?
No, he didn't wear that one to the meeting. Come on. He put it on right after Trump won the election.
Goldstone was also involved in bringing the Miss Universe pageant to Russia, along with the elder Agalarov and Trump -- he even served as guest judge. Twitter users have also dug up a somewhat adorable video of him clutching for money in a wind chamber like a kid at Chuck E. Cheese. We also learned much from a piece he wrote for the Failing New York Times in 2010 about how hard it is to travel as an overweight person, in which he detailed how children in Beijing poked at his belly for good luck because they thought he was Buddha.
In Mother Russia, They Investigate Us For Election-Meddling
So, we know the media over in Russia doesn't give a squirt of piss about this controversy, but what about the legal system or the government? Oh, they care a lot about election meddling -- more specifically, us meddling with theirs.
After America raised concerns about Russia's role in Trump's victory, Putin's political party used the old "NU-UH! YOU DID IT!" technique and produced a report on U.S. media interfering and influencing Russia's 2016 elections. CNN is among a list of media outlets that Russia's targeting for manipulating news coverage to influence regional election results. The Russian parliament also wagged their finger at the U.S., saying it used propaganda and radio stations to sway voters and determine the results well before anyone cast their ballots. This probably explains why Hillary Clinton won the popular vote there, too.
They aren't just blaming the media, either. The U.S. government and NATO are also being accused of the same thing, in the most broad and shrug-worthy stream of allegations ever. Their parliament is even backing investigations into U.S. collusion, even though the only proof that this happened so far has been, "Well, we just said it did. What more do you want?"
And what fun would election tampering accusations be without some sort of vague computer hacking conspiracy claims? Moscow is making demands that tech companies in the States, like Cisco and IBM, give them access to security secrets on some of their products. They want to scan the source code for anti-virus applications and firewall software, to make sure there's nothing fishy hidden in there before making its way to Russian markets ... and not to find weaknesses in it and then fuck with it themselves. Definitely not. The tech companies are appearing to comply since the Russian tech market has exploded to a point where they don't want to risk losing money. Oh, well, we're sure this won't backfire once we're counting the ballots for God-Pharaoh Trump's sixth term in 2040.
If You Took A White House Job, The Legal Fees Might Destroy Your Life
Generally speaking, Donald Trump doesn't have to worry too much about his finances when legal troubles are on the horizon, given his Scrooge McDucky opulence. His aides, however, don't have Trumpian pockets ... which is rather unfortunate for them, since everyone who so much as said "hi" to Trump during his presidential campaign is probably going to need a good lawyer pretty soon.
Everyone in the audience is now a "person of interest" just for standing near Michael Flynn.
White House staffers are bound by conflict-of-interest restrictions that limit their ability to accept free legal advice. Even if they manage to get discounts (which isn't as easy as looking on Craigslist, due to all the ethical limitations), the cost of being invited to appear before a grand jury multiple times would still be "financially ruinous." Turns out being investigated by the FBI is an expensive hobby: Trump's whole clan has racked a million bucks in legal fees since the year began. His younger son dropped 50 grand on legal counsel ... before getting his Beavis-esque mug plastered all over the news when his part in the Russia meetings was revealed.
Proximity to Trump guarantees legal acumen that makes the O.J. team look like My Cousin Vinny, but those who are lower on the totem pole have to foot their own bills. A few former advisers to the campaign, like Trump aide Roger Stone and digital director Brad Parscale, have had their interviews delayed while they scurry to find counsel. Flynn, who famously misled Vice President Pence as to the topic of his phone calls with Russia, is setting up a fund to help pay for all of his legal bills. Former communications advisor Michael Caputo jumped off the Trump train in June 2016, and still had to liquidate his kids' college funds to pay for his lawyers. As Caputo put it when asked about those whose fees are paid by Trump money: "Lucky for them. And unlucky for me. And unlucky for my children who are now going to community college."
These poor folks. All they wanted to do was make America great again.
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