What stupid crap is everyone talking about right now? Well...
Milkshake Duck [melk-sheyk-duhk]; noun: 1) Someone who goes viral for something heartwarming, only to be revealed to be a complete tool 2) A milkshake made out of ducks. Etymology: "The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist" -@pixelatedboat
It started like any other day for wordsmith and public speaker Robbie Tripp. Like always, he was promoting himself on Instagram as a "Contributor to Entrepreneur & HuffPost; TEDx Speaker; Husband to a curvy goddess." He innocently made a few posts on how he loved his wife and found her sexy even though, "Her shape and size won't be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan." It was a true act of bravery to find the woman he married attractive and desirable, and he wanted us to know about it. "A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character," he said, because as everyone knows, porn stars aren't real women, but are reptilian impostors taking over the world one boner at a time.
His post went, let me see if I'm pronouncing this correctly, "viral," thanks in part to a Buzzfeed article praising him. But fame is a double-edged sword, or like one of those stupid evil lightsabers where the hilt is also lightsaber so you probably keep chopping off your own thumb while dueling. Anyways, people started hating him for his smugness.
Yes, his posts were pretty condescending and insulting to women. Yes, he did imply that a woman's value is intrinsically linked to whether men are brave enough to find them sexy. And yes, the Buzzfeed article on him was cloying and irritating. However, does he really deserve all the backlash? What he wrote was stupid and self-congratulatory, but isn't that what all social media boils down to? Is he a Milkshake Duck by his own design, or have we collectively Milkshake Duck'ed him with our fickle, shifting standards, sacrificing him on the altar of social media so that our corn harvest may be plentiful?
Whoops, looks like he made some racist and transphobic tweets. Milkshake Duck strikes again.
After nearly being cast as the president in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No, Trump actually became the real president of Reality 3: This Is For Serious, Guys. There's only one possible conclusion to draw from this: somewhere out there in one of the many multiverses, there is a universe in which Trump is not president but Sharknados are real. And in that universe, some other writer is posting an article about how Sharknado was almost cast as the president in Trumpnado 3: Oh Heck Naw, but had to cancel on account of running to become the president, and subsequently won. "President Sharknado really bungled that Paris Climate Accord," the people there grumble, dreaming of a universe where the grass is greener. And they speculate that maybe somewhere out there amongst the many multiverses, there's a reality in which Sharknado never became president, but Trump became a tornado, and there's a movie called Sharkshark 3: Oh Hey Nope and in that universe they imagine a universe where- oh my god help me my body just turned inside out.
Flamin' Hot Cheetos that resemble Harambe? Busted. This Gene Simmons lookalike calf is the new hotness. Born late last week on a Texas ranch outside San Antonio, "Genie" was named after the rock star and will presumably party every day, insofar as cows have the capacity to party. Hoping for a meal of custom KISS burgers? Forget it. Genie's owners have confirmed that her unique markings will save her from the slaughterhouse.
'The Demon' himself approves, tweeting: "This is real, folks!!!"
Although this movement hasn't picked up the celebrity endorsement of Jenny McCarthy yet, veterinarians in Brooklyn are still reporting that more of their clients are refusing to vaccinate their pets. Yes, the idea of a dog getting autism from a vaccine might be scary, even though dogs have never been diagnosed with autism, nor do vaccines cause autism in humans. But you know what else is scary? Rabies. The disease that can turn Beethoven into Cujo, the thing that allowed that stupid book Ol' Yeller to be written and make us cry. Rabies is as close to a zombie disease as we're going to get: it causes severe neurological symptoms in both animals and humans as they succumb to rabies, including aggression, confusion, and delusions.
It's a painful, terrifying way to go, a fate no creature deserves, let alone the ones who are capable only of unconditional love and butt sniffing. Once symptoms appear it's almost always fatal. But don't worry, there's this cool DIY trick you can do to prevent your puppy (or kitty!) from ever getting this horrible, fatal disease: take some tea tree oil and some healing crystals, carry them over to a trash can, put them in that trash can, put your pet in your car, drive your car to the vet, give your pet to the vet and say, "Hello, I'd like a vaccine for my pet because I'm not a complete moron!" This technique also works to prevent other diseases such as distemper, hepatitis, leptospirosis, parvo, parainfluenza, rhinotracheitis, panleukopenia, and feline leukemia. Hey, this "actual scientific medicine" stuff works wonders!
Anthony Scaramucci, AKA, "The Mooch," AKA, "Mr. Can't-even-suck-his-own-dick," was kicked out of the very Trump administration he probably lost his wife and missed the birth of his child for. Still, The Mooch's foochure isn't so bleak: he could always return to showbiz. For the low, low price of $100,000, Scaramucci landed a 15-second cameo in the 2010 film, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Sure, he didn't get a name, or more than a couple of forgettable lines, like "Churchill Schwartz has a yuge position in this thing." But he did get his company's "SkyBridge Capital" logo on screen for a while. And even though Trump fired him, at least Scaramucci's scene didn't get cut from the final film, while Trump's did. It's those little victories that helps us through the tough times, like being fired ten days after being hired.
Let us pitch you a sitcom ...
History is full of horribly depressing moments.
Behind every great man is a great mind they ripped off.