5

Medieval People Wore Badges That Were Perverted As Hell

Have you ever tried to read an academic article and it looked like a list of big, randomly generated words with no actual meaning whatsoever? It sometimes feels like they want knowledge to only be in the hands of the smart, right?! But what if we told you there are academic papers that include pictures of little vulva wizard monster badges? Can you imagine how wonderful that kind of learning would be?!

University of Louisville
Imagine no longer.

We found an article on these fun badges, which are from about 1350-1500 AD, which turned up in the Netherlands, Belgium, France and England. Why would someone put sandals on a tiny pussy man and then wear it? Apparently, the naughtier the badge, the more evil it kept away. It's the greatest excuse to draw genitals all over everything we've ever heard.

A brave historian wrote an ENTIRE THESIS on how these lewd badges were used to ward off evil spirits, and she even had the balls to dedicate it to her grandparents. The paper includes the analysis of such masterpieces as "Ambulant Vulva On Stilts," "Pudendum Turning Penis On Roasting Spit Over A Vulva Grease Trap," and the childhood classic "Pussy Goes A' Hunting."

Journal of Archaeology
This is actually called, by real academics, "Three Phalli Bearing A Crowned Vulva In A Procession." History rules.

4

A Collection Of The Oldest Worked Gold In The World Includes ... A Penis Sheath?

In 1972, archaeologists were thrilled out of their minds when they hit the historical jackpot in Varna, Bulgaria. They unearthed several graves containing gold ornaments and jewelry worth $181,000 by weight. But by historical standards, it was priceless. And by dick jokes standards, double that.

Those lucky diggers had in fact discovered the oldest known worked gold in the world, dating back to 4600 BC. Not only that, but it was created by the earliest European settlers yet discovered. The first farmers had only left Africa a few hundred years before. Also, the fact that the gold was found in only a few of the hundreds of graves in the area gave proof of a hierarchical society. It was a gold mine of, you know, gold, but also of knowledge.

This is all very interesting, of course, but there was one particular item from the Varna Necropolis collection that got us excited.

Yelkrokoyade/Wiki Commons
More excited than its former owner anyway.

Yes, that is where that dead guy's penis would be. And that is indeed a penis sheath. For those of you not familiar with such things, think of it like a hat for a dick. This particular one isn't very impressive length-wise, but gold is a very heavy metal, and any boner that can lift an entire sheath of it should be commended, not ridiculed.

The archaeologists did not write down all the dick jokes they almost certainly made when they found this gilded skeleton cock, but they did make a witty comment about the grave's owner: "He has everything -- armor, weapons, wealth. Even the penises of these people were gold."

3

Ancient Greeks Just Couldn't Get Enough Boobs

You've probably heard of Artemis, the Greek goddess of the hunt and the moon. She also pulled triple duty as the goddess of virginity, which makes these statues of her particularly confusing:

QuartierLatin1968/Wiki Commons
What's hotter than a virgin with two boobs? A virgin with, like, 40?

Meet Artemis of Ephesus, the most well-endowed stone lady of all time. In addition to the hunt, moon, and chastity, she also represents -- you guessed it -- fertility. You see, she was both a virgin AND a mother goddess, kind of like the Virgin Mary. She's been worshipped since Paleolithic times, with the first image of her dating back to 6000 BC in Turkey. The goddess was appropriated by the Greeks around 1000 BC, when they occupied the part of Turkey once known as Ephesus. And while these are all important facts to know about her, we imagine her most notable feature is her 19 boobs. Though some scholars have pointed out that none of her many breasts have nipples, so they might actually be bull's testicles, which are also a symbol of fertility. Wait, that's way weirder, guys.

John S Y Lee
This 2nd-century statue seems to imply they're boobs. Unless they're bull balls after it walked through a blackberry bush? Man, religion is confusing.

2

The Wall Art Of Pompeii Is Cocktastic

One of the greatest historical discoveries of all time was that of Pompeii. Nothing can compete with an ancient city frozen in time by volcanic ash -- all its citizens and artifacts perfectly preserved in their final moments. But if they had a few more minutes of warning, they probably would have hid all their porn. Because holy shit, ancient Romans liked their porny artifacts.

Remember the flying dick wind chimes? Remember Priapus and his colossal dick? He's back and bigger than ever:

filol/Wiki Commons
Ladies.

1

Crucifixes With Dicks

You read that title right. Look at this goddamn thing:

via Catawiki
If you look carefully, you'll see the human head-sized boner on the lower half of this crucifix.

We should have led with this, but you can relax: this isn't Jesus flashing his junk. It's actually the Greek god Hermes. So why does it look like a crucifix? Mostly due to laziness. When ancient Greeks first began making statues of their gods, they would just carve the head so that it was recognizable, and then put it on a pillar that matched the god's height. Later, this practice evolved to include portraits of historical figures, and by the time it reached Rome, busts were used to depict people in general. And though they were only busts, some sculptors just HAD to include the penis, even when it was pointless or completely insane. For example:

J. Paul Getty Museum
"I only had enough time to do the face and dick. Wait, you still want it?!" -- This artist.

Ancient Greeks never got around to fleshing out the arms of Hermes, but his erect dick had to be included because it represented "divinity." And while it's hard to judge history through the veil of our own perception, a man made entirely out of boner seems like a strange way to represent divinity.

Okay, so why the little arm-like stubs? Well, those are there to hang garlands. Because without the tiny nubs on the sides, what possible appendage could worshippers hang their garlands on? Oh. That's actually a good idea. But enough about Hermes' boner. The statues themselves, sometimes called "Herms," were used to mark crossroads, as Hermes was the god of journeys and helped bless travelers with safety. The placement of the statues may have evolved from the tradition of each traveler placing a stone on a heap at the crossroads for good luck.

The Herms became the center of controversy in Athens in 415 BC, when several of them were vandalized by "herm-choppers." And we know we said we were done talking about his boner, but guess which parts of Hermes got chopped off. Go on. Guess.

Laura H would like to thank Sam and Laura I for their gift of the British Museum Little Book of Erotica, without which she would never have heard of ass-curse stones. Follow her on Twitter.

For more sick from perversions from our forebears, check out 5 Famous Historical Figures You Didn't Know Were Perverts and 6 Famous Geniuses You Didn't Know Were Perverts.

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