Here's How To Save The Han Solo Movie From Total Disaster

It's no secret that the Han Solo prequel movie is currently a metaphorical flaming sail barge in a monster-filled desert. Lucasfilm has fired the original directors (The Lego Movie's Phil Lord and Chris Miller) and replaced them with Ron Howard, whom you might know as the legendary director of Apollo 13 and the guy who insists America wants to keep watching Tom Hanks solve escape rooms.

To be fair, even before this dramatic news, a lot of fans were skeptical about the project. After all, didn't we already have a Han Solo origin story with, you know, Star Wars? Plus, this story would take place only a few years before the original movie, and the guy they cast doesn't even really look like Harrison Ford.

LucasfilmChristian Slater: A Star Wars Story

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So what's going to happen to this movie? Merely assigning the credits on this thing is going to be a logistical nightmare. Lord and Miller have already shot a big chunk of the project, so if they get awarded the credit even after reshoots and don't want it ... well, this may be the first Star Wars movie with a pseudonym in the directorial credits.

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There are also rumors that Alden Ehrenreich's Han Solo performance has so far been very Ace-Ventura-like -- either indicating that it's way over the top or that Han has some kind of alien parasite speaking through his butthole. So you have to wonder at this point: Is the movie beyond saving? Of course they can't up and throw away something that cost hundreds of millions of dollars. So what should they do with this goddamn thing?

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Fear not, Lucasfilm, because we have a plan: Use the footage in Episode IX. How? Well remember, Han Solo is famous in these new movies:

Lucasfilm"No, the masturbation euphemism."

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So what if someone within the Star Wars universe makes a biopic about Han Solo? They could use excerpts of his spinoff as a movie-within-a-movie. Kind of like the Stab movies in the Scream franchise.

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Think of all the problems this would solve. Ehrenreich wouldn't have to look like Harrison Ford anymore, because in the world of the Star Wars saga, he'd be an actor -- which is probably one of the few jobs available if you don't like bounty hunting or stormtrooping. That wacky comedic tone, more suited to rescuing quarterbacks and dolphins than gunning down lizard people in seedy bars, wouldn't be a problem. The gulf between the new iteration of Han Solo and the original would suddenly become the focus, not a liability.

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Now, you might be wondering: Do they even have movies in Star Wars? They do, and they're called "Holodramas". According to Wookiepedia, they're "a form of fiction entertainment created using holographic technology." In the recent Rogue One prequel novel, we learn that a young Jyn Erso had a "favorite bedtime holo." Yeah, looks like Star Wars characters don't have to read books to their kids; they shove holograms in their faces at night.

We've even seen these holographic movies before, back in The Star Wars Holiday Special. Remember how Chewbacca's poor neglected son fills the void his dad left behind by watching this terrifying video from the Cirque people of the Du Soleil planet:

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LucasfilmDid they just lynch Kermit?

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And to get across how crazy-long this scene goes on for and ensure you never sleep again, here are a a few more pictures:

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LucasfilmThe War on Christmas can't do any more damage than the Star Wars on Christmas did.

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Then, of course, there's the scene wherein Chewie's dad tries out the Orgazmatron 5000:

Lucasfilm

LucasfilmAnd '70s kids everywhere try to repress the memory.



So it's clear that filmed entertainment is a part of the Star Wars-verse. But here's the craziest part of all this: The idea of an in-universe Han Solo biopic isn't without precedent.

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In one of the Extended Universe novels, we get a scene in which Luke is complaining about all the shitty movies made about him. Yeah, spoilers for The Last Jedi, it seems Luke becomes Mark Zuckerberg. These "holothrillers" about the destruction of the Death Star are, according to Luke, "just making stuff up," somehow turning his life story of magic powers and laser swords into something preposterous.

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Han then confesses that he too has been the subject of several movies, because he made a "licensing deal with a couple holoshow producers. After Yavin."

And you thought the Trade Federation contract talks in the prequels were boring ...

Apparently they made "pretty bad" but "harmless" flicks like Han Solo And The Pirates Of Kessel and Han Solo In The Lair Of The Space Slugs. And keep in mind, this was after the Battle of Yavin, meaning that all through Empire and Jedi, Han was collecting sweet residual checks for selling out to the hive of scum and villainy that is Space Hollywood.

LucasfilmIt's where they produce Space Seinfeld.

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So if all the footage they shot for the Han Solo spinoff becomes one of these movies, suddenly everything makes sense again. Think of all the weirdness that could be sidestepped -- not just Han Solo's changing appearance, but also any continuity problems that prequels are prone to have. Simply include a scene in which Luke, Rey, and Chewie get in their pajamas and holoshow and chill with the latest Han Solo picture. It might not be amazing, but at least the stakes wouldn't be nearly as high. And Han Solo's Ace Ventura-ness would be nothing but one more thing for Sith-kel and Darth Ebert to complain about in their holo-review.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

Also check out 6 True Stories Behind Crappy Movies That Explain A Lot and 6 True Stories That Explain Why Famously Bad Movies Sucked.

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