What is everyone on your social media feed up in arms about today? Right now, it's this:
Hannibal Buress has turned trolling into fine art. His lated oeuvre is a prank he pulled off at the red carpet screening of Spider-Man: Homecoming. Buress plays Coach Wilson in the movie, but was busy filming the upcoming film Tag at the time of the premiere. He reached out on Twitter for a "lookalike," but eventually settled on Joe Carrol, an actor and writer who only kind of resembles Buress. To be fair though, they're both non-white, so it's easy to see how the media might get confused.
"When will Joe Scarborough finally release a music video for his new EP?" This is the question that has been tantalizing and tormenting us for years. Finally, our tear-streaked prayers have been answered in the form of repetitive vocals and a variety of jump cuts. The music video begins with about fifty shots of a van driving around. It's loaded up with what are probably the bad guys, bedecked in sunglasses and black beanies. Then we get a dazzling display of clips of scantily clad women and political events, from Dylan Roof to Kim Kardashian standing next to a wax sculpture of herself, Trump, explosions, guns, bikinis, women shaking their butts, pole dancers, and Bill Cosby going to trial.
Lest you think this is a violent barrage of random news reel clips, there's an actual narrative to be found amidst the flurry. We follow a bespectacled news reporter as she reports the news, walks around town, takes a really long elevator, and then gets shot by the bad guys who were in that van earlier. She dies, they look at her passport and smacks her head with it. Fin. You may wonder, "What just happened?" Silence plebeians, it's art, and you're not allowed to ask such a pedestrian question. Just drink it in like a Jackson Pollock after being violently blended in an industrial strength food processor.
The guy wrestles in the heart of Trump country for the Appalachian Mountain Wrestling circuit and spends his time talking down to the audience, just like those real liberals do! Oh, and the wrestler's real name is Daniel Harnsberger and he's a real estate agent by day. He's also an actual Democrat, who apparently decided this would be the way America could finally begin the healing process.
Aioli, if you didn't know, is a very common and straightforward sauce usually made from garlic, oil and eggs but Fieri says he felt the need to rebrand it for his restaurants, saying, "If we called it aioli, does that make it sexier?" You might rebut that "Donkey Sauce" is arguably even less sexy considering the range of possible sauces that could be extracted from such an animal, but guess what -- he owns a restaurant chain and you don't, so America apparently disagrees.
If you ignore the off-model layout, too thin margins, and glowing headlines praising Trump as "Hitting on all fronts... even TV!" this phony magazine cover almost looks convincing. "I can confirm that this is not a real TIME cover," said a spokeswoman for Time Inc., in a tone I imagine being so dry that grapes turn to raisins in her mouth. One of Trump's golf courses also has a Civil War monument honoring the nearby "River of Blood," though historians say there was no such battle. Soon we'll find out that Trump has been breaking into Madame Tussaud's to shove an oversized kielbasa down his wax counterpart's pants.
We can't be mad at The Last Knight. It looked insanity right in the eyes, made out with tongue, and settled down to start a family with it. It is the fever dream of a child who subsists exclusively on sugar and meth. In the movie, Anthony Hopkins, who is somehow real and not a garish posthumous animatronic, explains that there is a secret "Order of the Witwiccans," whose purpose is to protect Transformers. Among its members is Harriet Tubman, famous for rescuing people from slavery via the Underground Railroad. It's one of those rare movie moments that makes you wonder, "Is this what a stroke feels like? Am I dying?"
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.