6

Skyfall's Villain Shits The Bed In The First 5 Minutes Of The Movie

Bond villains are megalomaniacs with huge, insane plans -- plans far too large to include petty details like "prevent James Bond from killing me." Bond villains forget this detail even in movies like GoldenEye where they know about and particularly hate James Bond. The point is, not including an anti-007 section of their plan is where they've all gone wrong.

Which is why it's strange in Skyfall when the villain Raoul Silva fucks himself over before James Bond even hears about him.

Unlike the other bad guys in the series who want to ransom the world or cover every woman in gold or whatever, Silva is on a personal crusade to murder Bond's cranky boss M. And he absolutely could have in the first five minutes of the film when he blew up her office but at the exact time he knew she wouldn't be there?

"Oh no, did the office blow up? Right at the start of happy hour?"

5

The Green Goblin Is Terrible At Picking Out Bombs

The Green Goblin from the first Spider-Man movie is an enhanced superhuman, which is already more powerful than, say, an overweight normal guy with robot arms. But in addition to his powers, he also has a sweet hoverboard and an arsenal of ludicrously lethal weapons. Seriously, look at this grenade he made:

Columbia Pictures
Jesus! Jesus Christ!

4

The Kraken in Pirates Of The Caribbean Just Decides To Let The Good Guys Win

What do you think a normal boat fight is like for a Kraken? We'll tell you: It comes up from the impossible depths and shatters your puny ship in about two seconds. Then its powerful tentacles crush the life from you the way Dead Man's Chest crushed your love of pirate movies.

Maybe it was too late into the scriptwriting process when the writers realized they had created a creature that Jack Sparrow could never even dream of beating? Unlikely odds can be fun, but if Jack Sparrow had six weeks to hack at the Kraken with his cute little sword, there would still be enough Kraken left to turn him into a sack of wet bone splinters and drag into the abyss. The Kraken is so OP they had the villains in the sequel pointlessly kill it off just so audiences didn't keep asking "Why don't they just use the Kraken to win everything ever?"

Along with a line about their world getting less interesting -- which we kinda figured out already, thanks.

3

Voldemort Acts In A Totally Non-Voldemort-ish Way At The Worst Possible Moment

Lord Voldemort is arguably the deadliest wizard in the world of Harry Potter, especially when he's in possession of the Elder Wand, which in Deathly Hallows Part 2, he totally is. He has spent his entire life concocting schemes to become immortal which includes eliminating anyone who he considers a threat. He's not shy about murdering his enemies, very much including children enemies, but in the final deciding battle he suddenly changes his policy.

Up until then, every spell Voldemort throws at least tries to kill its target. Sure, he does some possession and things like that, but usually just as a more complicated way of killing people. So it's pretty strange that during the battle of Hogwarts, the showdown of the entire series, Neville Longbottom comes at him with the very sword he's specifically worried about, and Voldemort decides to use a non-lethal shove spell.

Warner Bros. Pictures
"You'll-probably-be-okay-icus!"

Weirder still, the books specifically tell us that master wizards like Voldemort don't need to loudly pronounce words like regular wizards in order to cast spells. So while it makes no sense for him to not kill Neville, it makes even less sense that he's screaming a bunch of crap while he doesn't do it. The obvious solution, his trademark green death zap, would have been easier, faster, and more instinctive. It's the Wizard Finals -- get your head in the game, Voldemort.

2

Gaston Brought A Bow To A Gun Fight

We've covered before how Gaston managed to get dealt one of the most brutal deaths ever to befall a Disney villain. But, then again, he was basically going up against a gorilla-wolf-bear with the intelligence of a man. He never really had a chance. He couldn't have killed Beast even with all the skills the townspeople sang about -- his wrestling, his biting, his shooting, his expectorating, his antler decorating ... wait, what was that middle one? Shooting?

Walt Disney Pictures
He had a fully automatic musket? This whole movie!?

Yes, in the middle of his musical number about how great he is, we very clearly see Gaston fire his musket three times in a single second without needing to reload. All three bullets go into a beer barrel across the room and he's such a famously good shot that all of the men, standing right fucking next to it, are completely used to it. This is so normal for them they catch the escaping beer before it splashes onto the counter. So this is a man not only good with a gun, but also willing to shoot it often and for any possible occasion. He uses his gun to open beer. So of course, when it comes time for him to hunt a creature strong and fierce beyond reason, he takes ... a bow and arrow?

Walt Disney Pictures
You dumbass.

1

In Rogue One, The Empire Prefers To Mess With The Rebels, Not Stop Them

The Empire's troops might not be able to hit anything with their lasers or block stick attacks with their armor, but they at least seem to want their enemies dead. That's not exactly the case in Rogue One. In the final scene, we see Vader himself being sent to deal with the rebels desperately trying to get the Death Star plans to Princess CGI Monster Organa.

In an awesome, awesome scene, Vader mercilessly wades through the rebels and then suddenly gets stopped in his tracks by an ordinary space door. It's an obstacle that wouldn't have stood up to several seconds of casual light-sabering, but it holds him there long enough for the rebels to escape. Not by zipping into hyperspace, but by slowly flying away from Vader as he grumpily watches.

Walt Disney Pictures
"Scanners indicate multiple lifeforms on board. T-they're laughing at us, Lord Vader. And rightfully so, I guess. I mean what are you even doi-- ACCK! AACCCCKKKK!!!"

The pace of the whole thing gave us enough time to notice that the Empire knew exactly what the rebels had stolen, what they were planning to with it, and exactly which ship held it. Why send Vader at all? For a fun light saber fight? Thanks, but why not blow the thing up from space? It's just a CR90 Corellian Corvette! You think its adorable little pair of turbo lasers are going to hold off a star destroyer? Or even a single TIE interceptor? Fucking Cornelius Evazan and Ponda Baba could have taken out that Corellian Corvette.

Or, you could have used the Death Star's laser on it, considering how much it stood to benefit from not getting blown up by information leaks. Instead of, you know, using it on a comms station after it had already served its purpose and been retaken by your own forces. The Empire made so many goddamn willfully bad decisions, and for what? To make sure to set up a sequel that already happened 40 years ago? Have you lost your mind, CGI Monster Moff Tarkin?

For more bad guys who probably should've worked at a Taco Bell or something, check out 6 Villain Plans That Make Absolutely No Sense and 6 Famous Movie Villains Whose Evil Schemes Make Zero Sense.

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