As if Lucas is some kind of hilariously clueless member of Spinal Tap, he then says this:

Lucasfilm

A lot of time is dedicated to how crazy it was to cast Anakin's actor, Jake Lloyd. It was down to two kids: one who was more experienced and clearly had a better audition, and Jake Lloyd. Hell, the other kid even looked like a young Mark Hamill.

Lucasfilm

Lucasfilm

In an odd parallel to the plot of this movie, Lucas insists that Lloyd be in the film (see: Anakin becoming a Jedi), against the advice of his staff (see: the Jedi Council), leading to the near destruction of the galaxy (see: the near destruction of the galaxy). Keeping the tone light, we also get Ewan McGregor making the ol' lightsaber-as-dick joke:

Lucasfilm

Even the guy making the documentary seemed to know this thing was a giant turd waiting to happen, cramming the movie full of ominous foreshadowing:

Lucasfilm

Lucasfilm

Then there's the scene where Lucas describes the epic-ness of the "Gunga" war to Steven Spielberg and the pair try to Jedi Mind Trick themselves into believing it's going to be "great:"

Lucasfilm

Most hilariously, in describing his failed American Graffiti sequel, Lucas casually mentions to Frank Oz that "you can destroy" beloved properties ...

Lucasfilm

Lucasfilm

Eventually, they screen the first cut of the movie, and everyone has to explain to Lucas how badly he shat the bed. Then comes the best quote, perhaps in any Star Wars movie:

Lucasfilm

Lucasfilm

And while the Skywalker Sound people are clearly great at lightsabers and space battles, they somehow neglected to underscore this moment with a sad trombone:

Lucasfilm

At least director Joel Schumacher had a consistent vision: Before rolling, he would remind everyone that they were making a "cartoon."

Warner Bros.

Of course, this being the story of Batman & Robin, a lengthy portion of the doc is devoted to nipples and dicks. First, there's the whole controversy of the nipples on the batsuits, which took Schumacher entirely by surprise. He even talks about how he thought he had to include them on Batgirl's costume, lest he seem "sexist." In the end, he went in a "subtler" direction -- which may be the only time a black rubber bustier is referred to as subtle.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Then there was the issue of the codpieces. A lot of movie sets devolve into metaphorical dick-measuring contests, but here things got disquietingly literal. Apparently, there was a whole thing about Chris O'Donnell's "piece" looking bigger than Val Kilmer's in Batman Forever ...

Warner Bros.

... Which started a rumor that he bribed the costumer. In an on-set interview with George Clooney, he recounts the rumor after mentioning that he "asked for a bigger package" -- but concedes that he got "a nice ass." Take that, Gotham's seedy underworld!

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

O'Donnell recalls watching the movie and seeing scenes he didn't even remember filming. Because it wasn't him, it was one of many stand-ins. In fact, even though he shared many scenes with Mr. Freeze, he never got to work with Arnold Schwarzenegger -- unless Freeze was speaking, Arnold's stand-in was the one forced to dress like a Tron-themed club DJ.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

As with the movie's awkward DVD commentary, the documentary ends with the director sincerely begging for our forgiveness. No. Never.

And it's actually lucky Smith was there, because his account of what it's like to make a Die Hard movie will likely become an important historical document. On his blog, Smith gives us all an idea of what it's like to work with Bruce Willis -- namely, he strolls on to set and immediately starts talking about Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

Titan Books

Then, what should have been a simple scene is hopelessly delayed because of Willis' objections. He doesn't think John McClane would walk all the way over to Kevin Smith, who's sitting down -- and to be fair, why would the guy who took down Hans Gruber kowtow to the dude who made Mallrats?

Titan Books

Filming resumes, but then Willis stops everything again. He thinks the scene shouldn't be comedic, and instead thinks McClane should threaten to beat Smith to death. Why? To "keep it Die Hard" -- you know, like in all those scenes from the original when John McClane eschewed humor so he could threaten to murder innocent civilians.

Titan Books

Smith eventually offers to rewrite his scenes on the set. They tell him to go for it, with one caveat: He can't say "fuck." In a Die Hard movie.

Titan Books

Willis then has to get on the phone with the studio executives and defend the rewrites, which they aren't thrilled about, eventually playing the trump card of "Let me ask you a question: Who's your second choice to play John McClane?" Which might explain why the same director is now trying to find a second choice to play John McClane.

We also find out that actor Sonny Landham (who played Billy the knife guy) was so wild, the studio would only cast him if he had his own bodyguard -- to protect other people from Sonny. Just for the record, we should also note that Landham would later try to piggyback on Schwarzenegger and Ventura's political success, only to be dropped by the Libertarian party after he called for a genocide of Arabs.

20th Century Fox

Perhaps not surprisingly, there was a crazy amount of macho competition on-set. Carl Weathers claims he got up at 4 a.m. every morning just to work out, and would then lie about it, so people would think he was just that buff naturally. Lazy old Schwarzenegger only got up at 5:30 to work out. At one point, Arnold even challenged Ventura to a bicep-measuring competition, which he claims the latter lost by three inches.

20th Century Fox

And, of course, there's a bit about the terrible original costume, worn by a then-unknown Jean-Claude Van Damme. Perhaps this photo of the director trying on the Predator's giant red claw was the exact moment he decided to move in another direction:

20th Century Fox

It opens with the Disney team gleefully preparing Kingdom Of The Sun, a re-working of The Prince And The Pauper set in Peru. Presumably because Elton John was in the shower when they called, they got Sting to do the music. Since the documentary was never properly released, the version of the movie that's online is uncensored, meaning we get odd exchanges from Sting and his writing partner such as this:

Xingu Films

Xingu Films

At this point, there was no final script, so Sting's writing songs based only on an outline, making him feel like "a minion." We then meet the executive in charge, who, if his office is any indication, is a ventriloquist dummy who became a real boy.

Xingu Films

The executives watch the movie, roughly animated with dialogue and songs, and eviscerate it -- the whole thing has to be re-written. Sting is so upset he has to go to the Himalayas to unwind. That's right, Sting uses the Himalayas the way most people use wine and Top Chef.

So, Sting and his partner go back to work remarking that they've been working on it for two years, while also remarking that Sting's "turned gay."

Xingu Films

Disney ends up dropping most of the music, leaving only two Sting songs. After seeing an early cut of the movie that ends with the prince building a palace with a kick-ass waterslide ...

Xingu Films

... Sting fired off an angry letter beginning with "Gentlemen, when you have achieved genuine human values, you don't need a theme park or a water slide." But you do need horses, so he goes horseback riding to calm himself.

Xingu Films

In the end, the whole experience left Sting wanting "vengeance" -- which is a reasonable reaction to witnessing your parents get gunned down in Crime Alley, but probably not a great way to respond to having some songs cut out of a David Spade cartoon.

Recently, someone over at Birth.Movies.Death grabbed a copy of the book from Amazon and proceeded to share its unbridled insanity with the world. For starters, the book is full of details that are decidedly not about what it's like to make a James Bond movie. Like an anecdote about dining with the producer, who spent the evening complaining that there were black people working in a Chinese restaurant:

Pan

Still, this was less offensive than the same producer's on-set behavior, which included shouting the n-word:

Pan

We get real glimpses into Moore's acting process; for instance, when his hairdresser can't come to work, he reacts by angrily throwing toast.

Pan

Fans who picked up the book because of the trademark 007 logo probably weren't expecting a chapter about how not getting his favorite "laxative cereal" ruined Moore's birthday:

Pan

But don't be misled by all the discussion of racism and pooping -- there's some actual Bond-like intrigue to be had. Moore casually drops the bomb that the New Orleans District Attorney showed him some film revealing the secret behind the Kennedy assassination:

Pan

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