James Bond has appeared in over 20 movies, a multitude of books, and most impressively, a Nintendo 64 game which taught every child in the 1990s that the most effective espionage strategy is running around your foe in a crazed circle while drunkenly firing a rocket launcher.
Here's the thing, though: We've all been bamboozled by the colorful misdirection of fancy cars and beautiful, preposterously named women. James Bond isn't the ideal male fantasy -- he's a creepy psychopath who only adheres to whatever moral code suits him best at the moment. And we have the evidence to prove it ...
7 Moonraker -- Bond Murders Two Scientists For No Reason
Back in the '70s and '80s, society's idea of a super-cool spy was a 50-year-old man awkwardly jogging through action scenes and hauntingly pressing his body up against 20-something ingenues, to the erotic delight of absolutely no one.
Yes, we're talking about Roger Moore, who made some of the most ridiculously campy Bond movies. Nobody at the time seemed to notice, presumably because of the welcome distractions of Rubik's Cubes and cocaine. One of the goofiest of Moore's Bond movies was Moonraker, 1979's blatant attempt to cash in on the popularity of Star Wars by sending James Bond into space. In the movie, Bond stumbles upon a secret lab owned by Hugo Drax, a famous billionaire who's secretly an evil villain.
With Roger Moore, it is admittedly elegant stumbling.
Bond's not exactly sure what the two scientists are up to, so when they leave the room, he sneaks for a closer look.
"Doesn't look alcoholic ... damn."
Now, Bond's not a scientist (unless you count excessive drinking and spreading venereal disease as a "science"), so it's no surprise that he can't figure out the chemical properties of a solution by simply picking it up and staring. So instead of, say, taking a couple of vials back to Q for analysis, 007 opens one of the vials and leaves it standing in a precarious position before dashing secretively out of the room.
"This is going to be hilarious!"
Not surprisingly, when the scientists come back, they knock over the vial ...
... which turns out to contain some kind of toxic gas that kills them both while Bond observes from a secure position, not unlike a child hiding behind the couch from a scary movie.
"Huh. So it was poison."
It's pretty fucked up that instead of doing some basic detective work, Bond uses the scientists as guinea pigs. Sure, they might be bad guys, but they also might not be. They're just a couple of scientists, and they're working for the Bond-verse equivalent of Richard Branson. For all we know, they may think they're producing weapons to help fight terrorism, or a better first-class commercial flying experience. Regardless, Bond never bothered to find out before locking them both in a death trap.
"Science that, nerds."
But at least he solved the mystery without having to run an errand, so ... good job?
"This shaved minutes off of my mission time, easy."
6 You Only Live Twice -- Bond Puts On The Most Racist Disguise Ever
James Bond isn't exactly known as a master of disguise. The reason his cover gets blown 90 percent of the time is that he walks around telling the bad guys his real name. Even barring that sloppiness, it's kind of insane that enemy agents don't simply shoot any British guy in a tuxedo who orders an insanely specific martini at fancy casinos.
The reason for Bond's reluctance to fully commit to an undercover operation is arguably explained in You Only Live Twice, starring Sean Connery. Unfortunately for fans of things that aren't cartoonishly offensive, he goes undercover as a Japanese person.
"No problem; I can already do a flawlesh ackshent."
The procedure to make Bond Japanese is performed by group of disguise artists who aren't allowed to wear clothes, presumably because it would interfere with their process.
"The nudity helps distract you from the scent of all the bullshit."
The procedure itself involves laying pieces of rubber-like material over Bond's eyes to make them "Japanese", in a complicated procedure known as "Racist Subterfuge".
"Turning Japanesh ..."
They also add a Japanese wig, to replace the wig Sean Connery was already wearing.
"... I think I'm turning Japanesh ..."
The results speak for themselves:
"... I really think sho."
Technically speaking, the disguise works brilliantly, because that homunculus in no way resembles Sean Connery. However, if we're being sticklers, we have to call it a resounding failure, because he looks absolutely nothing like a Japanese person.
Apart from this seamless transformation, Bond is trained to become a ninja, which takes approximately a single afternoon. Even after all of that effort, the enemy agents somehow manage to see through his disguise almost immediately, so turning Bond into a racist caricature didn't even accomplish anything, other than alienate future audiences once the 1960s came to an end. Though to be fair, a 2002 Bond film featured a Korean guy using plastic surgery to become a white British dude, so maybe turning Sami, Xhosa, or Cincinnatian is just something that happens off-screen every day in James Bond Land.