9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They'll Fill You With Joy
Every year, Hollywood throws a developing nation's GDP at illustrious directors like Michael Bay and That Guy Michael Bay Hired To Direct The TMNT Movies so they can film increasingly implausible action scenes. And every year, the results still can't hold a candle to what some (usually foreign, always insane) directors can achieve with less money than The Rock spends oiling his biceps.
So buckle up for some of the balls-out craziest action movies you haven't heard of, and be warned: Some of these scenes contain graphic violence, and all contain the power to make you feel bad about your own physical fitness.
The Best Movie Where A Horse Slides Under A Truck, So Far
Alluda Majaka! is an Indian sex comedy that just so happens to include a chase scene more badass and outrageous than all Fast & Furious movies combined. The movie's hero is on his way to be executed, after being wrongfully accused of murder, when the police car he's in drives past the wedding of his lady friend. He immediately freaks the fuck out and escapes, using only the power of fisticuffs and an uncanny ability to whip sticks at cars and send them soaring through the air.
Unbeknownst to most, the laws of physics simply do not apply in India.
Our hero then escapes on horseback, but -- oh no, there's a truck in the way! This leads to, well, this:
Yup, he slides underneath the truck with his horse, the likeliest explanation being that they're in The Matrix and that horse is the Chosen One. The scene doesn't end there -- the protagonist then takes the cops on a chase, which sees the horse taking the bus.
This is us when we board a bus and notice someone skipped the deodorant this morning.
And finally, everything culminates in obligatory inexplicable explosions.
The people in the cars saw the chase up close and their brains couldn't handle it.
And this is all so just he can bust up a wedding he noticed as they passed by, like some kind of roided-out version of The Graduate.
A Giant Laser Peach Beats Up The Devil's Warriors
The Taiwanese fantasy film Magic Of Spell is about a young Chinese villager, Peach Boy, battling an evil wizard. How do we know he's evil? For starters, he lives in a place called "Devil Palace," and literally bathes in blood -- though to be fair, that might just be how the plumbing works in all of the "Devil"-brand properties.
It does wonders for his skin.
So, what kind of powers does Peach Boy use in his fight against the Devil? Well, at one point he conjures a glowing peach that floats out of a stone well, because stonefruit magic is unknowable and mysterious.
Wait, are we sure he isn't "Butt Boy" in Mandarin?
Some of the Devil's minions foolishly try to take on the peach, but they quickly regret it.
You know how the saying goes: "You mess with the giant floating peach, you get the ... uh, same thing."
Since a giant peach ramming into dozens of people would start to get a little tedious, the peach is also outfitted with a motherfucking laser blaster. If Roald Dahl got a job writing for Battlestar Galactica, this is probably the kind of insanity we'd see.
Science fact: Peaches help you poop because they're actually doing this inside your stomach.
Here's The Horny Indian Terminator Vs. An Army Of Cops
Enthiran is an Indian sci-fi flick about the world's first lifelike android, Chitti, who looks just like a human being who's constantly wearing sunglasses. Presumably, his creators couldn't get the eyes right and said "fuck it, he'll be one of those douches."
That, or iTunes auto-downloaded a U2 album into him and this was the result.
Unfortunately, like most robots, politicians, and people you went to high school with, he turns evil. After kidnapping the woman he wants to impregnate with his little cyber-babies (yep), he's chased by an army of cops, which he thwarts by stealing all of their guns.
Yes, all of their guns.
Chitti then creates thousands of copies of himself, and they all join together into a single giant robot.
It's unclear if this is akin to Voltron, or simply one big man-shaped orgy.
Of course, Chitti emerges victorious. So, hopefully, all of this madness is in favor of some kind of elaborate, genius-level master plan, right?
A Blind Swordsman Fights Above An Electrified Hot Tub
In Blind Fury, Rutger Hauer of Blade Runner fame plays a Vietnam vet who's also a trained Samurai. Oh, and he's blind. It's basically a cross between First Blood, a Kurosawa movie, and ... uh, Ray? In the movie's climax, Hauer has to fight a guy in a swank mountaintop penthouse -- but then, one of the tanning lights falls in a hot tub, which is now not only electrified but also presumably full of STDs.
At this point the hot tub says "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe ..." and kills itself.
Using his blind Samurai war-vet expertise, Hauer manages to turn the electrified pool to his advantage in the inevitable way:
"Let me just cut this clothesline so we can keep fighting ... Hey, where'd you go?"
But there's another henchman there -- so, naturally, Hauer throws him off a mountain.
The real tragedy of his condition is that he didn't get to see that.
This reinforces the important lesson that if you have a house on a mountain, you should probably spring for the double-glazed glass, at least for the pane nearest to the thousand-foot drop.
Attack Of The Deranged Beach Ball-Shaped Creature
Drunken Wu Tang is one of many batshit-crazy martial-arts films from the '80s, but what sets it apart from others is the film's true breakout star: the Watermelon Monster. Or the Banana Monster, as the subtitled version calls it, although neither of those names really do it justice. It's more like a fanged cannonball with red lips and glowing eyes, like if Hell had access to papier mache.
Think Pac-Man's emotionally disturbed cousin and you're on the right track.
In the movie, the monster is a deadly temple guard. Not only does it have the ability to fly through the air and headbutt you like a common soccer hooligan, but it's also inexplicably equipped with cables that shoot out of its body and attach themselves to your nipple region.
How we do know it's not just a desperately hungry baby monster?
They can also be used like grappling hooks, for more smacking-into-people action.
Or just for macking, depending on how you interpret this moment.
No one even beats the monster in the movie -- they just run the hell away, leaving the door open for a Watermelon Monster sequel, and Lord willing, the Watermelon Monster Cinematic Universe.
A Movie That's Basically The Raid With Children
The Thai action movie Power Kids, AKA Force of Five, AKA Child Services Drops The Ball: The Movie, finds a group of scrappy kids taking on a building full of terrorists. At the very least it shows us all how badass Home Alone would have been if Macaulay Culkin got off his ass and learned some martial arts instead of merely scrounging paint cans and Micro Machines.
That slacker didn't learn martial arts because he was probably drinking out of those paint cans.
In Power Kids, the titular kids of power have to break into a hospital that's been taken over by terrorists. Why? Because their friend is a patient there, and this whole Die Hard situation is really messing with the heart transplant he needs. So naturally, the kids beat the shit out of the terrorists:
"... OK, fine, you can get one candy bar from the dispensing machine. Geez."
Yes, that's one of the kids jumping off the bad guy's back, grabbing a fluorescent lightbulb from the ceiling, and using it to hit him on the way down. That has to be the most satisfying use of those things ever, not just in movies. In the end, two of the kids double-team the poor villain, and then somersault-kick him out the goddamn window.
This makes John McClane killing Hans Gruber look like a couple of seniors squabbling over a canasta game.
A Rogue Cop Takes Down A Car Full Of Thugs Using Only A Lamppost
We've talked before about Singham, the Indian cop flick that makes the Naked Gun franchise look like sober police dramas. In one particularly batshit scene, rogue cop Bajirao Singham confronts a gang of thugs, who you can tell are up to no good because they're hanging out in a Jeep down by the docks (a classic tell-tale sign of abject delinquency).
Apparently, Officer Singham's hatred for criminals is only rivaled by his disrespect for public property. When he needs a weapon, instead of using, say, his weapon, Singham just strongarms a goddamn lamppost out of the boardwalk.
If Gene Kelly had sniffed his weight in cocaine, this would probably be how Singin' In The Rain would have gone down.
Then Singham charges after the bad guys like a bat out of hell ... who's carrying a lamppost. He smashes the lamp in one guy's face, which also sends him flying into a second lamppost for good measure. Seriously, did this movie get a kickback from the lamppost industry for sexing up their boring-ass product?
This is one sepia filter away from being in Mad Max: Fury Road.
He then shoves the lamp into the steering wheel, sending the car flying in such a way that it doesn't crush any of the many nearby innocent civilians.
Just like they teach you in cop school.
Of course, this isn't exactly a movie that's grounded in reality. For instance, a slap from Singham wouldn't be out of place in Toontown:
Though we doubt his scenes with Jessica Rabbit would be PG-13.
Attack Of The Ass-Kicking Magical Pigeons
Martial artist Cynthia Rothrock starred in 1990's Prince Of The Sun, in which she's protecting a small Buddhist boy who's magic or whatever. What's important is that this leads to 90 minutes of punching and kicking bad guys who are dressed like Vanilla Ice's accountant.
If this movie was made today, that would just be Vanilla Ice.
After a couple of these beige-clad bad guys break into her apartment trying to steal the kid, the fight eventually spills out onto the nearby playground. Rather than just sit idly by, the little boy uses his powers.
Which looks adorable, by the way.
And how do these powers manifest? Laser beams? Lightning bolts? Nope, he magically commands a flock of pigeons to attack the goons -- which retroactively makes one wonder if that homeless lady was secretly using black magic at the end of Home Alone 2.
Ah, the old "Tippi Hedren special."
With pigeons biting their faces (among other body parts), this leaves those damn khaki-wearing thugs wide open to getting their asses kicked.
Which is overkill by now. The pigeons have it under control, lady.
By the end of the movie, the kid uses psychedelic magic to banish the villain to a mystical corpse-ridden lake, because once you cross the Rubicon of magic pigeon attacks, your plot can go anywhere.
Riki-Oh, The Bloodiest Damn Movie Ever Made
WARNING: Might wanna skip this entry if you're planning to eat soon. Or, like, at all.
The insanely gory 1991 dystopian prison movie Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky has a number of scenes that will test the very limits of your mental steel. In just one fight scene, we both see Ricky punch a guy's eye out of his skull ...
"Nooo! My contact lens was there!"
... and his opponent trying to strangle Ricky with his own intestines.
"Dude, gross. You really need more fiber in your diet ..."
So, it's only fitting that the final battle would be even wackier and more gore-soaked, as Ricky faces off against the evil jailhouse warden. Since having a ripped martial artist face-off against a douchey bureaucrat wouldn't meet those standards, the filmmakers wisely decided to have the warden transform into a slobbering ogre.
Ironically, at this point he becomes beautiful on the inside, but can't express it.
Predictably, the hero of this story eventually manages to best the warden. Not so predictably, Riki does so by tossing him into a conveniently placed meat grinder.
"I was aiming for the window, but sure."
And cementing the fact that this movie will never be shown at any barbecues, this happens:
Block C ate like kings for the rest of the week.
The movie ends with Ricky tossing aside the warden's severed head like a beach ball, and literally punching down a massive jailhouse wall, leading the audience to wonder why he didn't do such in the first five minutes of the movie.
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