9 Movie Scenes So Flat-Out Crazy They'll Fill You With Joy

Every year, Hollywood throws a developing nation's GDP at illustrious directors like Michael Bay and That Guy Michael Bay Hired To Direct The TMNT Movies so they can film increasingly implausible action scenes. And every year, the results still can't hold a candle to what some (usually foreign, always insane) directors can achieve with less money than The Rock spends oiling his biceps.

So buckle up for some of the balls-out craziest action movies you haven't heard of, and be warned: Some of these scenes contain graphic violence, and all contain the power to make you feel bad about your own physical fitness.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Advertisement

9
The Best Movie Where A Horse Slides Under A Truck, So Far

Alluda Majaka! is an Indian sex comedy that just so happens to include a chase scene more badass and outrageous than all Fast & Furious movies combined. The movie's hero is on his way to be executed, after being wrongfully accused of murder, when the police car he's in drives past the wedding of his lady friend. He immediately freaks the fuck out and escapes, using only the power of fisticuffs and an uncanny ability to whip sticks at cars and send them soaring through the air.

Devi Films
Unbeknownst to most, the laws of physics simply do not apply in India.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Our hero then escapes on horseback, but -- oh no, there's a truck in the way! This leads to, well, this:

Devi Films

Yup, he slides underneath the truck with his horse, the likeliest explanation being that they're in The Matrix and that horse is the Chosen One. The scene doesn't end there -- the protagonist then takes the cops on a chase, which sees the horse taking the bus.

Devi Films
This is us when we board a bus and notice someone skipped the deodorant this morning.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

And finally, everything culminates in obligatory inexplicable explosions.

Devi Films
The people in the cars saw the chase up close and their brains couldn't handle it.

And this is all so just he can bust up a wedding he noticed as they passed by, like some kind of roided-out version of The Graduate.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

8
A Giant Laser Peach Beats Up The Devil's Warriors

The Taiwanese fantasy film Magic Of Spell is about a young Chinese villager, Peach Boy, battling an evil wizard. How do we know he's evil? For starters, he lives in a place called "Devil Palace," and literally bathes in blood -- though to be fair, that might just be how the plumbing works in all of the "Devil"-brand properties.

New Ship Film Enterprise
It does wonders for his skin.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

So, what kind of powers does Peach Boy use in his fight against the Devil? Well, at one point he conjures a glowing peach that floats out of a stone well, because stonefruit magic is unknowable and mysterious.

New Ship Film Enterprise
Wait, are we sure he isn't "Butt Boy" in Mandarin?

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Some of the Devil's minions foolishly try to take on the peach, but they quickly regret it.

New Ship Film Enterprise
You know how the saying goes: "You mess with the giant floating peach, you get the ... uh, same thing."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Since a giant peach ramming into dozens of people would start to get a little tedious, the peach is also outfitted with a motherfucking laser blaster. If Roald Dahl got a job writing for Battlestar Galactica, this is probably the kind of insanity we'd see.

New Ship Film Enterprise

New Ship Film Enterprise
Science fact: Peaches help you poop because they're actually doing this inside your stomach.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

7
Here's The Horny Indian Terminator Vs. An Army Of Cops

Enthiran is an Indian sci-fi flick about the world's first lifelike android, Chitti, who looks just like a human being who's constantly wearing sunglasses. Presumably, his creators couldn't get the eyes right and said "fuck it, he'll be one of those douches."

Sun Pictures
That, or iTunes auto-downloaded a U2 album into him and this was the result.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Unfortunately, like most robots, politicians, and people you went to high school with, he turns evil. After kidnapping the woman he wants to impregnate with his little cyber-babies (yep), he's chased by an army of cops, which he thwarts by stealing all of their guns.

Sun Pictures

Sun Pictures
Yes, all of their guns.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Chitti then creates thousands of copies of himself, and they all join together into a single giant robot.

Sun Pictures

Sun Pictures
It's unclear if this is akin to Voltron, or simply one big man-shaped orgy.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Of course, Chitti emerges victorious. So, hopefully, all of this madness is in favor of some kind of elaborate, genius-level master plan, right?

Sun Pictures
Oh.

6
A Blind Swordsman Fights Above An Electrified Hot Tub

In Blind Fury, Rutger Hauer of Blade Runner fame plays a Vietnam vet who's also a trained Samurai. Oh, and he's blind. It's basically a cross between First Blood, a Kurosawa movie, and ... uh, Ray? In the movie's climax, Hauer has to fight a guy in a swank mountaintop penthouse -- but then, one of the tanning lights falls in a hot tub, which is now not only electrified but also presumably full of STDs.

TriStar Pictures
At this point the hot tub says "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe ..." and kills itself.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Using his blind Samurai war-vet expertise, Hauer manages to turn the electrified pool to his advantage in the inevitable way:

TriStar Pictures
"Let me just cut this clothesline so we can keep fighting ... Hey, where'd you go?"

But there's another henchman there -- so, naturally, Hauer throws him off a mountain.

TriStar Pictures
The real tragedy of his condition is that he didn't get to see that.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

This reinforces the important lesson that if you have a house on a mountain, you should probably spring for the double-glazed glass, at least for the pane nearest to the thousand-foot drop.

5
Attack Of The Deranged Beach Ball-Shaped Creature

Drunken Wu Tang is one of many batshit-crazy martial-arts films from the '80s, but what sets it apart from others is the film's true breakout star: the Watermelon Monster. Or the Banana Monster, as the subtitled version calls it, although neither of those names really do it justice. It's more like a fanged cannonball with red lips and glowing eyes, like if Hell had access to papier mache.

Lo Wei Motion Picture Company
Think Pac-Man's emotionally disturbed cousin and you're on the right track.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

In the movie, the monster is a deadly temple guard. Not only does it have the ability to fly through the air and headbutt you like a common soccer hooligan, but it's also inexplicably equipped with cables that shoot out of its body and attach themselves to your nipple region.

Lo Wei Motion Picture Company
How we do know it's not just a desperately hungry baby monster?

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

They can also be used like grappling hooks, for more smacking-into-people action.

Lo Wei Motion Picture Company
Or just for macking, depending on how you interpret this moment.

No one even beats the monster in the movie -- they just run the hell away, leaving the door open for a Watermelon Monster sequel, and Lord willing, the Watermelon Monster Cinematic Universe.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

4
A Movie That's Basically The Raid With Children

The Thai action movie Power Kids, AKA Force of Five, AKA Child Services Drops The Ball: The Movie, finds a group of scrappy kids taking on a building full of terrorists. At the very least it shows us all how badass Home Alone would have been if Macaulay Culkin got off his ass and learned some martial arts instead of merely scrounging paint cans and Micro Machines.

Magnolia Pictures
That slacker didn't learn martial arts because he was probably drinking out of those paint cans.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

In Power Kids, the titular kids of power have to break into a hospital that's been taken over by terrorists. Why? Because their friend is a patient there, and this whole Die Hard situation is really messing with the heart transplant he needs. So naturally, the kids beat the shit out of the terrorists:

Magnolia Pictures

Magnolia Pictures

Magnolia Pictures
"... OK, fine, you can get one candy bar from the dispensing machine. Geez."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Yes, that's one of the kids jumping off the bad guy's back, grabbing a fluorescent lightbulb from the ceiling, and using it to hit him on the way down. That has to be the most satisfying use of those things ever, not just in movies. In the end, two of the kids double-team the poor villain, and then somersault-kick him out the goddamn window.

Magnolia Pictures

Magnolia Pictures
This makes John McClane killing Hans Gruber look like a couple of seniors squabbling over a canasta game.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

3
A Rogue Cop Takes Down A Car Full Of Thugs Using Only A Lamppost

We've talked before about Singham, the Indian cop flick that makes the Naked Gun franchise look like sober police dramas. In one particularly batshit scene, rogue cop Bajirao Singham confronts a gang of thugs, who you can tell are up to no good because they're hanging out in a Jeep down by the docks (a classic tell-tale sign of abject delinquency).

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Apparently, Officer Singham's hatred for criminals is only rivaled by his disrespect for public property. When he needs a weapon, instead of using, say, his weapon, Singham just strongarms a goddamn lamppost out of the boardwalk.

Reliance Entertainment
If Gene Kelly had sniffed his weight in cocaine, this would probably be how Singin' In The Rain would have gone down.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Then Singham charges after the bad guys like a bat out of hell ... who's carrying a lamppost. He smashes the lamp in one guy's face, which also sends him flying into a second lamppost for good measure. Seriously, did this movie get a kickback from the lamppost industry for sexing up their boring-ass product?

Reliance Entertainment
This is one sepia filter away from being in Mad Max: Fury Road.

He then shoves the lamp into the steering wheel, sending the car flying in such a way that it doesn't crush any of the many nearby innocent civilians.

Reliance Entertainment
Just like they teach you in cop school.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Of course, this isn't exactly a movie that's grounded in reality. For instance, a slap from Singham wouldn't be out of place in Toontown:

Reliance Entertainment
Though we doubt his scenes with Jessica Rabbit would be PG-13.

2
Attack Of The Ass-Kicking Magical Pigeons

Martial artist Cynthia Rothrock starred in 1990's Prince Of The Sun, in which she's protecting a small Buddhist boy who's magic or whatever. What's important is that this leads to 90 minutes of punching and kicking bad guys who are dressed like Vanilla Ice's accountant.

Golden Flare Films Company
If this movie was made today, that would just be Vanilla Ice.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

After a couple of these beige-clad bad guys break into her apartment trying to steal the kid, the fight eventually spills out onto the nearby playground. Rather than just sit idly by, the little boy uses his powers.

Golden Flare Films Company

Golden Flare Films Company
Which looks adorable, by the way.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

And how do these powers manifest? Laser beams? Lightning bolts? Nope, he magically commands a flock of pigeons to attack the goons -- which retroactively makes one wonder if that homeless lady was secretly using black magic at the end of Home Alone 2.

Golden Flare Films Company
Ah, the old "Tippi Hedren special."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

With pigeons biting their faces (among other body parts), this leaves those damn khaki-wearing thugs wide open to getting their asses kicked.

Golden Flare Films Company

Golden Flare Films Company
Which is overkill by now. The pigeons have it under control, lady.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

By the end of the movie, the kid uses psychedelic magic to banish the villain to a mystical corpse-ridden lake, because once you cross the Rubicon of magic pigeon attacks, your plot can go anywhere.

1
Riki-Oh, The Bloodiest Damn Movie Ever Made

WARNING: Might wanna skip this entry if you're planning to eat soon. Or, like, at all.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

The insanely gory 1991 dystopian prison movie Riki-Oh: The Story Of Ricky has a number of scenes that will test the very limits of your mental steel. In just one fight scene, we both see Ricky punch a guy's eye out of his skull ...

Golden Harvest
"Nooo! My contact lens was there!"

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

... and his opponent trying to strangle Ricky with his own intestines.

Golden Harvest
"Dude, gross. You really need more fiber in your diet ..."

So, it's only fitting that the final battle would be even wackier and more gore-soaked, as Ricky faces off against the evil jailhouse warden. Since having a ripped martial artist face-off against a douchey bureaucrat wouldn't meet those standards, the filmmakers wisely decided to have the warden transform into a slobbering ogre.

Golden Harvest

Golden Harvest
Ironically, at this point he becomes beautiful on the inside, but can't express it.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Predictably, the hero of this story eventually manages to best the warden. Not so predictably, Riki does so by tossing him into a conveniently placed meat grinder.

Golden Harvest
"I was aiming for the window, but sure."

And cementing the fact that this movie will never be shown at any barbecues, this happens:

Golden Harvest

Golden Harvest
Block C ate like kings for the rest of the week.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

The movie ends with Ricky tossing aside the warden's severed head like a beach ball, and literally punching down a massive jailhouse wall, leading the audience to wonder why he didn't do such in the first five minutes of the movie.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

It's Happiness Week here at Cracked, so make sure to check back every day for content that'll grant you respite from a hard day. And don't worry, if you missed a day, you can check out everything we've done here.

For more films you should probably go and watch immediately, check out The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Moments From Indian Action Movies and The 5 Most Ridiculous Martial Arts Movies Ever.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Action Movies Are Musicals For Dudes, and other videos you won't see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we'll follow you everywhere.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

177 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Famous Old Movies That Now Look Painfully Stupid In 2019

The flow of time is cruel to us all.

193

6 Insanely Complex Pop Culture Mysteries Solved By Fans

Some particularly obsessed fans sacrifice huge amounts of time and effort to come up with answers so we can all sleep a little better at night.

68

6 Utterly Insane Movie Moments Everybody Forgets Exist

Lots of people forgot these movie moments ... but, like, how?

156

6 Classic Films That Almost Turned Out Terrible

Let us gaze into the parallel realities where these famous movies are really just infamously terrible.

161

6 Directors Who Use The Same Weird Scene In Every Movie

You'll never unsee these unusual tics.

70