7 Famous People Whose Lives Sound Like An X-Files Episode
The longer you're rich and famous, the more likely it becomes that people will start lavishing you with polite euphemisms for "hat-pissingly insane." Maybe it's because when you're surrounded by people who never tell you no, you begin to buy into your own bullshit.
OR maybe, just maybe, there really are cabals of government agents, ETs, and angry ghosts who make your life total hell once you star in a few movies! Here are a few famous folks who've beheld the beyond and lived to tell the tale.
Sylvester Stallone Was A Wolf And A Monkey In His Past Lives
For a person who's made his living shooting and punching people, Sylvester Stallone is a pretty chill brah. He's actually not a huge fan of guns, he named a child Sage Moonblood, and he has his own brand of bottled water. Yup, Rocky Balboa is the dream guy of every lady whose idea of a relaxing Sunday morning is downward-facing dogs and healing wheatgrass enemas. So when Sly talks about his past lives with all the earnestness of a James Franco character, it's downright adorable.
And not that far-fetched.
When the subject of reincarnation came up in a 1982 interview for People magazine, Stallone confided that he's pretty sure he used to be a wolf. The writer jokingly asked if the wolf skin rug he'd noticed in Sly's home belonged to him (in more than one sense), but Stallone responded quite seriously: "No, I doubt that's my skin. But I'm quite sure I lost my head in the French Revolution." (You see, one time at a party someone posited that getting guillotined must suck, and Sly suddenly knew what it felt like.) He's also been an Indian, South American royalty, and a Guatemalan monkey. Unlike Hollywood, reincarnation does not typecast.
To be fair, this was a long time ago and Stallone has apparently changed his stance on the paranormal since the '80s. His mother, on the other hand, still claims she can tell the future by "reading" your butt.
"This Christmas, get ready for Stop Or My Mom Will Tell You How You'll Die By Looking Into Your Asshole."
Matthew McConaughey Says His Ghost Roommate Doesn't Mind His Nudity
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Matthew McConaughey is a weird guy to live with. No one knows this better than his ghost roommate. Not content to merely be the kind of weird roommate who constantly burns gross incense and doesn't believe in dish soap, McConaughey's first night in a new house in the early 2000s included an "initiation ceremony" of some kind in his bedroom. We're honestly not sure if he's talking about some arcane ritual or just watching Cinemax late at night.
Either way, he probably had to wash his hands afterward.
Later, while sleeping in a tent in the upstairs bedroom (talk about burying the lede) McConaughey started hearing strange noises. He leapt out of his sleeping bag and ran "buck naked" down the stairs, brandishing a baseball bat and ready to fend off any potential intruders. Can you imagine if it was just a garden-variety burglary? Imagine robbing a house, only to be confronted by a naked, bat-wielding Rust Cohle? What would you even do?
We don't know what "Madame Blue" (which is what McConaughey calls the ghost he found) thought of the whole scene, but he actually attributes their friendly relationship directly to it. "She has no qualms with me -- we get along just fine," he said. "Maybe me being nude all the time is why we get along." Which is, incidentally, also what your gross roommate says about you. Previously, McConaughey had claimed he was haunted by the ghost of 1920s outlaw Willis Newton, but it's unclear if that ghost saw his Willis too.
Blink-182's Guitarist Is Basically Agent Mulder
We've already informed you that former Blink-182 guitarist Tom DeLonge was clearly abducted by aliens, but the plot has considerably thickened. Somehow overlooked in WikiLeaks' 2016 release of emails from Hillary Clinton's campaign was a correspondence between DeLonge and campaign manager John Podesta. Perhaps it went unreported because it doesn't give us much information, but it does leave us with a series of panicked questions.
Like, is he incapable of wearing a cap straight because his brain is too evolved?
The first revelation is that, by the time DeLonge emailed Podesta in October 2015, the two had already met, when DeLonge interviewed Podesta for a "special documentary." (That would be DeLonge's documentary about aliens.) He goes on to state that "I would like to bring two very 'important' people out to meet you in DC. I think you will find them very interesting, as they were principal leadership relating to our sensitive topic." (Our interpretation of the previous sentence: Tom DeLonge has two aliens, and he wants to bring them to Washington.)
Didn't go awesome last time, but whatever.
Or, you know, DeLonge might have been referring to one "General McCasland," who's the subject of an email sent several months later. According to DeLonge, McCasland was in charge of the laboratory that investigated the Roswell crash, and he was ready to talk. It's not clear what became of these exchanges, but we do know (from DeLonge's calendar notifications) that the day before this email was sent, a woman with the last name McCasland agreed to a meeting with DeLonge and Podesta.
At this point, it's probably pertinent to mention that Podesta had promised on the campaign trail that if Clinton were elected, she would declassify as many government document related to UFOs as possible. So there's one more reason to lament Trump's election: Now Blink-182 will never know what those bastards did with ALF.
George Foreman's Pretty Sure He Once Visited Hell
The scene: It's 1977, and famed boxer/father of grills/father of five sons who are all seriously named "George" George Foreman has just lost a heated match. Doubting the power of God, Foreman stomps off to his dressing room, where he starts hearing voices talking about death. The boxer collapses suddenly, and BOOM, finds himself knee-deep in Hell itself.
Presumably it was this over and over.
This definitely wasn't the flaming shit-river Hell of popular belief. Foreman describes the place as a total void, just endless, motionless floating with no sense of up or down, thus confirming what everyone who's seen 2001: A Space Odyssey has long suspected: Hell is outer space.
He really blew it not naming his autobiography George Foreman: Hellstronaut.
According to Foreman, the one stimulus that was all too present was the smell -- he describes it as the "putrid smell of death," like being trapped forever in Satan's own farts. But even worse than that, Foreman says, was the crushing sense of hopelessness and despair. (So yes, Hell is also the DMV, but again: space.)
Anyway, Foreman quickly decided he'd had enough of this scene and made his hastily apologies to God, who replied "'kay" and literally lifted him out of there with his giant God hands. Next thing he knew, he was back in his dressing room, shouting about the glory of Jesus -- he says they had to physically restrain him so that he didn't go out to share God's word in the nude. What's important is he dedicated most of the rest of his life to preaching and non-stick cookware, just as the Lord intended.
Dan Aykroyd Claims To Have Spooned A Ghost
Dan Aykroyd has been busting ghosts in real life for far longer than he has onscreen. Aykroyd's whole family is involved in the spiritualist movement, he hosted a paranormal investigation TV show before it was cool, and he's the official Hollywood consultant for the Mutual UFO Network. (Pro-tip: Investigative bodies that have official Hollywood consultants are not to be trusted.) Amid myriad claims of ghost encounters, he says he once lived in a house that was haunted by both '60s singer Mama Cass and some dude, one of which he may or may not have sexually assaulted. In fact, that's what inspired this classic moment of cinema:
All of our moms told us he was getting a foot massage in this scene.
As Aykroyd tells it, he had just woken up from a nap, and he was "in this kind of trance, where you don't know whether you're sleeping or not." That's what normal people refer to as being half-asleep, and it's when people tend to see shit (but we're sure that's a coincidence).
Anyway, Aykroyd saw his door open, and then a "depression in the mattress," as if someone were getting into bed with him. Deducing that perhaps the ghost was gay, Aykroyd did what any of us would do: Threw him a corporeal, if entirely euphemistic, bone and snuggled up to him for a while. As we mentioned, this and other experiences Aykroyd claims to know of (one involves "a friend who had three women visit him in a haunted house in Louisiana, and it was one of the greatest nights of his life") were the inspiration for that weird ghost blowjob scene in Ghostbusters. In fact, it was originally a longer scene, but as Aykroyd lamented, "in under two hours, you obviously can't have everything." So there you have it: if Aykroyd had written the Ghostbusters reboot himself, it probably would have been just two hours of uninterrupted ghost-fucking.
Roseanne Is Fighting Against MKUltra Mind-Control Techniques
Since her stint as the best mom on TV, Roseanne Barr has gone on to be kind of a loopy character, to the point that it would feel wrong to make fun of her if this was something she didn't damn well know already. Highlights include running for president, buying a literal nut farm, and becoming completely obsessed with the CIA mind-control project MKUltra. Now, MKUltra was a real, scary thing that resulted in a lot of human rights abuses, deaths, and -- possibly worst of all -- the hippie movement, but it was officially halted generations ago. Or at least, that's what they want you to think.
No, this doesn't make more sense in English.
According to Barr, the project's not only still up and running, it's controlling Hollywood. Would we put it past the American government to secretly continue a brutal experiment after they pinkie-swore they'd stop? Not necessarily. But is Michael Jackson's dad one of their operatives? Uh, probably not. That was the accusation Barr put forward when Joe Jackson sought custody of his grandchildren after his son's death. Listen, there is a world of reasons to keep Joe Jackson away from everyone's children, but his CIA record is not one of them.
It's true that Bubbles was actually a short, hairy KGB agent, though.
When Esquire sat down with Barr in 2013, essentially to ask "What the fuck?", they didn't get many answers. When asked what MKUltra has to do with Hollywood, she explained that celebrities just say whatever they can to get paid, which is the most reasonable statement in the whole interview. Except instead of getting paid by not pissing off the movie-going public, they're getting paid by the government? It's not clear who Barr thinks is paying them, or why capitalism counts as mind control. At least she confirms that she was just joking when she told Larry King that she believed the government implanted a chip in her head -- not that it would matter, because Larry King's been "programmed" by The Man, too.
"My CPU is a neural net processor; a learning computer."
Wu-Tang Clan's Method Man Is Being Visited By A "Night Hag"
This story begins as most stories do: A few years ago, Key and Peele were filming their movie Keanu in New Orleans with Wu-Tang Clan rapper Method Man. One day, Jordan Peele decided to take the cast on a ghost tour, because why are you even in New Orleans if you're not going to at least try to see a ghost?
In an interview, Peele remembered, "I was looking over at Method Man like, 'Oh, my God, I brought a member of the Wu-Tang Clan to this fucking ghost tour. He's going to hate it.'" And then the following miracle of human communication occurred:
"It could also be Ghostface Killah breaking into your room and sitting on you."
We're not sure what we like more here: the fact that, in his heart of hearts, Method Man already knew the answer to his question, or the delightful visual of him dead asleep and getting creeped on by Baba Yaga. Anyway, this explains why Meth once wrote a comic where he becomes a private paranormal investigator who only takes on the most credulity-stretching cases. We've never read it, but we imagine it's probably like Ghostbusters, only everybody's utterly baked the entire adventure.
"So you took a bunch of edibles and reality itself started warping? Seven night hags right there."
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