What Do The Parents Think Is Going On In Santa Claus Movies?
Every Christmas, Santa sneaks into our homes, eats our cookies, and leaves presents for all the good boys and girls. This continues right up until parents decide it's unethical to lie to children. The point is, there aren't a lot of mysteries on Christmas morning. Not only did your parents already know "Santa" got you a GI Joe Mobile Command Center, they stayed up all goddamn night helping "him" put it together. So what the shit do the parents in Santa Claus movies think when completely unexplained presents show up under the tree?
There are lots of examples of this bizarre paradox, in which every single adult refuses to believe in Santa Claus despite the fact that in the universes of these films, Santa does huge, public, magical things every Christmas. Presents appear in their homes, addressed to their children, and they're okay with having no recollection of buying them? It's like they're trying to not believe in him at any cost. Take, for instance, The Santa Clause. Scott Calvin loses custody of his children because the other adults think he's insane for telling kids to believe in Santa. And yet in that same universe, here's what one family got for Christmas:
Walt Disney Pictures "This will come in real handy in the middle of Tucson."
They got a fucking kayak. Moving beyond the fact that no little kid wants a kayak, where do the parents think this thing came from? Do they brush this off as a gift from one of the kid's friends or something? Something they ordered on Amazon while they were drunk? Who do they think is buying their children water sport equipment, and why don't they care?
It gets weirder. In Elf, adults themselves apparently receive gifts from Santa. When Michael reads Santa's big list on-camera, it includes the names of adults ... like a day of pampering at a spa for this guy:
New Line Cinema "They used the joke I pitched about a hard biker guy wanting like a really girly gift? It's a Christmas miracle!" -- an assistant story editor on Elf
How was Santa going to give him that present? Does he sneak coupons into this guy's junk mail? Fake a sweepstakes win? That would never work -- he would absolutely think it was a police trick to bring him into custody.
Actually, why would a real Santa want to cover up his own existence at all? This one needs magic for his sleigh to run. He should be airing commercials about how real he is. Think how many charity organizations would pitch in to spread Santa awareness in a world in which magic is a real thing you can witness. It's as if everyone in a Christmas movie is willfully denying Santa's existence for no reason but to spite wonderment. And that's fine, but then why is nobody concerned when they and their children receive expensive, unmarked presents from a stranger?
New Line Cinema "Looks like another present for Cousin eBay!"