6 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved In Minutes
Writing movies is hard. Especially when audiences stubbornly demand you entertain them for at least 90 minutes. This is why, in movie-land, characters are so often forced to drag problems out for an hour when, in reality, the situation could have been solved during the opening credits.
#6.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
What Happened:
Archaeologist Indiana Jones is briefed by Army intelligence that the Nazis are looking for the fabled Ark of the Covenant because, through some ass-backward logic, they think that the best way to kill the Jews is by invoking the God of the Jews. Sure enough, Indy agrees to "get a hold of the Ark before the Nazis do," and kick as much Nazi ass as he can along the way.
Archaeology!
The Nazi's logic seems airtight. In the Bible, the Ark tends to make the armies that carry it invincible. Sure those armies tended to be made up mostly of Jews, God's chosen people and the Nazi's chosen extinction target, but the God of the Old Testament wasn't one to get bent out of shape over a minor technicality. Of course, as we find out in the climactic scene, Indy knows a secret about the Ark the Nazis don't: It has a habit of melting faces right the hell off their skull.
What Would Have Made More Sense:
The most sensible response for the Army to this whole Ark business is coincidentally the easiest: Do absolutely nothing.
The Fuhrer's army, lacking Indy's superior archaeology skills, misunderstood the location of the Ark to begin with. Without Indy's meddling, the Nazis would have blown millions of dollars from their 1936 budget digging in the wrong place.
But lets say the Army doesn't know the Nazis are geographically challenged. All the more reason not to do shit. Instead of stealing and re-stealing the Ark from the Nazis, Indiana Jones and the U.S. Army should have been rooting for them to find it. Their best case scenario is that the Nazis mission goes exactly according to plan: find it, ship it off to Germany and open it in a lavish pageant in Berlin with the whole Nazi high command in attendance. That was what they had planned to do all along. All the top Nazis in Berlin, including Hitler, front and center at the grand opening of a device that has a reputation for melting the faces of anyone in its vicinity.
"OK, now open it!"
It'd not only be the end of the movie, but of the whole damned war.
#5.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
What Happened:
For the fourth consecutive year at Hogwarts, Harry finds himself caught in the middle of a massive conspiracy that the entire wizarding community is powerless to fight against.
"I'm thinking about transferring to another school."
In this case, Harry's name is drawn to become the fourth competitor in the TriWizard Tournament. This seems highly suspect, considering that Harry is too young to enter, too dumb in the ways of magic to possibly survive it and most importantly, it is called the TriWizard Tournament. In the Harry Potter universe, the New York Yankees would be forced to bring a wheelchair-bound cripple on field as their 10th man, if a typo landed his name on the team list.
Even though the wizarding community is willing for some reason to bite the bullet and let Harry compete, there is one important factor afoot: he doesn't want to. Harry confides in Ron Weasley: "I didn't put my name in that cup! I don't want eternal glory!"
Pansy
Predictably, the obviously-rigged competitor selection fiasco was orchestrated by Voldemort, who needed Harry in the game in order to bring himself back from the dead. And there was absolutely nothing that Harry could do about it, unless...
What would have made more sense:
He could have, you know, just not competed.
If Harry decided to do nothing, nothing, after his name was picked from the Goblet of Fire, there's really no way anyone could have forced him to compete. Even if the judges insisted upon obeying a magic cup and entering Harry into every event, he could have stayed home and watched the whole thing on Pay-Per-View, scoring a solid zero points at each tally. Seriously, what was the cup going to do to him if he didn't participate? Kill him? Apparently not, since he shows up late for one event and the cup wasn't coming after him with a dagger or anything.
Hell, Hogwarts wouldn't even have had to lose their chance at the title, since they would still have had Edward Cullen competing in the game. Who, incidentally, would also not have been killed if Harry had backed out of the tournament.
He's a vampire because of Harry Potter.
We can also probably assume that any reprimand that Harry might have received for brazenly defying the orders of magical kitchenware would likely have been revoked after it was revealed that his competing would have led inevitably to the release of a powerful supervillain, and to Snape killing Dumbled-
Spoilers, you asshole!!
#4.
The Da Vinci Code / I, Robot
What Happened:
The Da Vinci Code and I, Robot both revolve around a very complicated suicide note that the main character must decipher before it's too late.
In the former, a gut-shot Frenchman named Jacques Sauniere apparently spends his last moments going on a tour de force through the Louvre hiding a series of complicated clues and ciphers that can only be decrypted by a world-renowned expert in language, religion and history. Luckily, Tom Hanks is that man, by proxy of Dan Brown.
Eventually he solves the puzzles which lead him to a safety deposit box, in which Jacques has stored a map to the location of the holy grail. Just kidding, it actually just contains more puzzles.
Will Smith's 2004 vehicle I, Robot turns out to be basically the same exact movie with more robots and product placement.
Exactly as Isaac Asimov wrote it!
The dead scientist in that film uses a holographic projector to issue a series of cryptic clues to Will Smith.
What Would Have Made More Sense:
Both The Da Vinci Code and I, Robot share a common thread in which the most convoluted story-knots could have easily been undone with one gentle pull. Instead of sending the people who you want to reach on a scavenger hunt that could last days if not years, how about using those fancy black-light pens/ digital recorders to leave a message that might actually be useful in the short-term?
"Hey. I was shot in the stomach at 10:46 P.M. by a giant albino monk who I am sure you guys won't have any trouble finding. He wasn't wearing gloves and was actually bleeding a bit at the leg, so I am confident your lab boys will have some DNA and possibly even fingerprints to work with on the shell-casing I circled. Tell my granddaughter I love her, and that I'm sorry about that whole sex-party thing. Take care. Hope you find the guy. P.S. Jesus had kids."
Image by FrogC4
We understand that the idea behind the Europe-wide scavenger hunt is to protect a secret that Jacques supposes could bring down Christianity and create worldwide despair and violence. But the fear is probably groundless when you consider that a bunch of guys already "revealed" this secret to the world a couple of decades earlier, and they're now remembered only as the guys who sued Dan Brown for ripping off their conspiracy theory.
They wrote a book and everything!
You could have added the first and fifth Harry Potter story. In the first story Voldemort couldn't take the stone out of the mirror, but Harry could. If Harry had just stayed in bed, Voldemort would have just failed. And the whole story in the fifth part is that Voldemort wanted Harry to believe he had to intervene, which lead to Sirius' death...
ReplyTo be fair, I don't think that Sauniere had access to a black-light pen after he was shot in the stomach in the middle of a museum.
ReplyTo all the comments on the Harry Potter one:
ReplyIf he wasn't the one who put his name in the Goblet, would he still be effected by the Vow? Since he didn't make it, that would mean if it effected him, a forged signature could be the greatest weapon in the Potter universe. Want to take care of escaped Death Eaters? Boom, sign them up for a Vow they doesn't know about. They miss the deadline, and they get nailed with whatever. If it doesn't mean that, if Harry didn't compete, wouldn't Barty Jr. have taken the punishment? Since he was the one that actually signed Harry up, he was the one to make the Vow.
TL;DR version: Either the Goblet's a bureaucratic Death Note or they totally missed the easiest way to find out who was responsible for sneaking Harry in.
Magical contracts aren't all that intelligent. The goblet's sole analytical ability is the ability to judge a person's age. Once it accepts your name, you are a potential candidate. Once it farts out your name, the name, and the person it belongs to, are bound to the contract.
Also, the contract prevents you from backing out of the tournament. I.E. you can't miss a single challenge, or bad things will happen. So, he has to face the dragon, he has to swim to the bottom of the lake to rescue his friend (whom he was led to believe would die a horrible death if left unrescued), and he had to run the maze challenge. Now, the first challenge is obvious, he either beats the challenge, or the dragon eats him for lunch. The second was already explained. The third is simply a race to the finish. It's all cool. Then people start attacking him, so it becomes first to the finish to escape alive (which then turns into race back to the trophy to get away from Voldemort). While i like cracked, i feel like they didn't put too much effort into this article.
One problem with The DaVinci code: Sauniere's part of a group whose work is to keep the secret of Jesus' descendants, well... secret. If he just outright put it out in his note he would be screwing centuries of work.
ReplyI see. What were the vows like in this group? "I vow never to reveal the secret of Jesus' children, unless it's through a series of cryptic clues suitable to be made into a movie because that'd be sweet."
Please, no more damn Star Wars!
ReplyAs others already mentioned, the Harry Potter one actually has an explanation... but there is another you could have mentioned that makes much less sense. Voldemort apparently forced Harry to take part in that tournament -through that extremely elaborate scheme- just to get him to touch the cup. So, on the evil guys' part, the entire movie could have been avoided if Pettigrew had just asked Harry at some random moment "Would you please be so kind as to fetch me a cup I have forgotten in my office?".
ReplyPettigrew? You mean Crouch Jr. and anyway the could only get the portkey to work on the grounds not in the school. there was a reason that they had to use the Tri-wizard trophy.
This was incredibly poorly researched...
ReplyDo some research. Once your name is drawn, you have to compete or you WILL die. It's like the unbreakable vow; you don't follow through, insta-death.
ReplyAlso, Harry looks nothing like Pansy Parkinson...:P
I don't remember seeing the kill you part, but he still could've taken a 0 on each task. He could've made an honest attempt at grabbing the egg, see the dragon, and walk back saying "I'll just lose". At the lake, he could've Accio-ed an inner tube and floated peacefully while everyone did their thing. He could have waited out everyone in the maze, or throw up the sparks that let the officials know he quit three steps in.
Really, the only one he needed to give up was the maze, since all the other just give bonus time for it.
Actually, the answer to you Star Wars dish question lies in the photo above it. The top of that dish would've been in the conical part of the shield, so they could NOT have bombed it. Also I think Cullen broke up with Bella in that film.
ReplyYou are right, I do not see any weak points in that generator's structure besides the top. It's nigh invincible!
Now, while I do like the Star Wars movies, I've never considered myself to be a Star Wars geek, but the caption you have of the picture of Lando bothers me a little because when Leah & Luke were about to kiss (forgive my ignorance, but it's been a while since I've seen the movies) they didn't know that they were twins yet, so how can Lando say that Leah's into incest?
ReplyBecause it's a joke.
In SAW I always wonder why "cutting foot of at ankle" is his go to, instead of "cut heel off foot" gotta be much easier to put back on. Seriously, look at your foot!
ReplyMy first thought was "You're a doctor. Didn't you, you know, go to med school for a few years, do some autopsies? There has seriously got to be a better way to get that chain off your foot." But, you know, if they had been smart, they couldn't have made 6 sequels, so I suppose bitches gotta get paid somehow.
Or how about look at the loop-shaped hack saw and the phone a foot out of reach? Seriously, I had the same problem with the movie the author did. They spend the whole movie getting and moving stuff nominally out of reach. But then they suddenly forget -- and I guess we're supposed to, too -- just so that he can cut his foot off with the saw which is the Chekhov's Gun that the f*****g movie is named after. That's the only reason.
I couldn't believe that POS got any sequels at all.
In GoF, once Harry's name was entered and he was chosen, it was essentially an Unbreakable Vow. Either he would've died, or perhaps some spell would've forced him to be at every event. Either way, if people would read the books instead of watching the s****y movies, people wouldn't have to point out stuff like this. Duhhhh. >_
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesyeah, but then why didn't harry just kinda hang around the edges, kick a rock and say "well, i tried" even he had to know that something bad was going to come out of being entered into the contest and forced to compete
ladyyoda: The first task involved a dragon with spikes in it's tail, so there's survival he has to look out for.
And in the second one he believed that if he didn't finish the task, Ron would remain with the mermaids.
Third one... guess he was just feeling like he could manage it.
Pajaroto, exactly. He got greedy and it ended up summoning wizard-Hitler. He forgot he didn't actually want to do it in the first place, while he could easily have let it become a competition between 3 wizards at the start of the maze by dropping out.
by the end of Saw I, the doctor no longer wanted to reach the cellphone. He believed that the orderly (Zap?) was going to murder his wife and son unless he killed Adam or found another way to get to his family. It was no longer about reaching a cellphone (one that could only receive calls from specific numbers and would not have been able to dial 9-1-1) he wanted (needed) to get out and get to his family. Not to mention that it's hard for someone to be rational when they think their loved ones are about to be murdered.
ReplyI think it was Zep.
True. And the orderly's name is Zepp.
Also, if Dr. Gordon hadn't cut off his foot, he most likely would have died. Because Zepp was already on his way to the bathroom with the intent of killing Adam and Dr. Gordon. Granted, Adam managed to take out Zepp with the toilet lid. But then Jigsaw got up and locked him in the bathroom, leaving him to rot. If Dr. Gordon had still been chained in the bathroom when Jigsaw got up, he would have just locked Dr. Gordon in there too, and Dr. Gordon would have died along with Adam.
I'm sure Jigsaw made sure the phone was untraceable- obviously it must have been, or the police could have used the phone records to find Adam and save him, which they didn't. And it's not like Dr. Gordon could have just answered the phone and told the police where he was, since he didn't know.
Dr. Gordon only survived because he managed to cut off his foot, escape the bathroom, cauterize the wound on a hot pipe, and get out of there before Zepp arrived.
Also, even if answering the phone somehow DID save everyone (which it wouldn't have) and put Jigsaw in jail, that wouldn't have ended the series. By the time Jigsaw did the bathroom trap, Amanda and Hoffman were already his apprentices, prepared to carry on his work after his death. So even if they'd arrested Jigsaw, Amanda and Hoffman would have carried on. Jigsaw died in the 3rd movie and they still made 4 more movies after that. Though the 4th movie took place concurrently with the 3rd. But still, there were 3 full movies after Jigsaw's death.
To quote my sister: "Twilight takes place in the 90s because they had to plug in their internet, only the rich Cullens had cell phones, and Stephanie Meyer would have been young enough to live out her vampire sexual fantasies."
Replyyour wrong because according to the books bella was born on September 13, 1987 so if she is 17 when she met edward which would be 2004 and turned into a vampire on september 11 2006 and more so her and edwards daughter was also born on 2006
I cant believe that im pointing out a flaw!!!! And im right!!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOkay. For #2 Bella is not exchanging emails with Alice. She is writing them and pretending to send them but cannot because Alice's email has been deactivated.
BOOM>!!!! I knew something you didn't... And people always told me 14 year old girls are useless...
And she cannot get a hold of him because he broke off any connection whatsoever. Same reason why they couldn't reach Romeo, he was cut off from society...thats kind of what happens when your exiled
You might know something the author does not, but the fact that you're a 14-year-old girl who's (probably) a Twilight fan is sad enough to make your whole argument pointless.
(TL;DR: the people were right)
??? She's right though, and how does being 14 year old girl make you sad? Nothing you said made any sense.
First off, have to mention that I am a HUGE Saw fan, my name on this site (HoffyBunny) is a name that the chicks who lust after Mark Hoffman give themselves (Spoiler alert: Hoffman being the new Jigsaw starting in Saw IV).
ReplyNow onto my point. First off, #3 made me laugh my ass off because yes, the author is totally right about it and don't think the Saw fans have not discussed this ad nauseum. But a FAR FAR worse plot hole is the fact that (Spoiler alert again) GORDON WAS HELPING JIGSAW SINCE THE FIRST MOVIE!
Not to mention the fact that Gordon shouldn't have even been saved by Jigsaw because ultimately he didn't pass his test. His test was NOT to saw his foot off, it was to shoot Adam by 6:00. For one, he didn't do that until well after 6:00. I also must point out that in every other fracking movie they made, when the timer goes off you are SOL and Jigsaw/Hoffman don't give a s**t about you.
Why was Gordon so effing special that he failed his test and Jigsaw felt the need to rescue him after he cauterizes his foot stump on a hot pipe?
Further more, if we can look PAST all of that s**t, why the HELL would anyone want to help a man who trapped you in a room? Made you shoot a guy? And then cut off your own damn foot? This wasn't exactly made clear in the 7th movie even after multiple viewings!
Then you must take into consideration that they obviously had NO GOOD idea how to end the movie and completely ripped the final act from Gordonites on House Of Jigsaw and IMDB. I belong to both, and another site called Saw Freaks. Before the 7th installment I clearly stated to the friend that went with me that the movie would end in the bathroom it started in.
The Gordonites single handedly ruined what could have been an epic open ending with Hoffman escaping and recking havoc on another city or even living out his days in Mexico with the HoffyBunnies who cherish him so much.
The writers, literally took scenes from other movies that couldn't have possibly included Gordon and shoved him into them because people theorized Gordon was still alive because he was needed for the "medical" aspect of traps.
The few one theory that comes to mind right off the bat is in the Venus Fly Trap. The victim has a key hidden behind his eye. Or at least that's what you are led to believe upon viewing the second film. For one, if someone can get hit in the head hard enough to get their eye popped out, and survive, then it can't be that hard to use some sort of medical tools to pop it out, plop a key in there, and shove it back in. I mean who said the guy would have to be able to see out of that eye once the key was in there? Does Jigsaw really care that much? On top of that, every Gordonite was convinced that just because in the scene where they are showing the key being placed, you didn't see Jigsaw's face and he walked with a slight limp, meant it MUST be Gordon and not...I dunno a WEAK OLD MAN DYING OF CANCER! Add that to the fact that Tobin Bell stated he added the limp to the scene to give character to Jigsaw and show how much he was deteriorating.
Then the fact that Hoffman recieves a note that says "I know who you are" which the commentary on the 6th DVD states that it's in Jill's hand writing but suddenly in the 7th movie Gordon wrote it. In the most BULLSHIT ending to the series possible, Hoffman is locked in the original bathroom supposedly left to starve to death...though with the way he took out a whole damn police station with a knife, there is the very real possibility that he somehow got out and is completely fine, should an 8th movie ever be made.
I will admit that these might possibly not be plot holes and just a bunch of s****y writing, but the series could have been much better had Jigsaw followed his own damn rules in the first movie and let Gordon die, thereby letting Hoffman escape!
Sorry, rant over, and no, I don't think anyone read past the part where I explained what a Hoffy Bunny is!
"Sorry, rant over, and no, I don't think anyone read past the part where I explained what a Hoffy Bunny is!"
Hah hah, you are so right! :D
No, it's not right- answering the phone wouldn't have helped Lawrence. Zepp escaped and was coming to the bathroom to kill Adam and Lawrence. And if they'd taken out Zepp, Jigsaw would have just locked both Adam and Lawrence in the bathroom instead of only locking Adam in.
I don't think Jigsaw exactly "let" Lawrence live. He escaped the bathroom and went back to his family. He was gone by the time Jigsaw got up and locked Adam in the bathroom.
The extra material states that Lawrence did go back to his family, but he and his wife were so messed up from the experience that his wife ended up divorcing him. At that point he was hopeless, and that's why he went back to Jigsaw and wanted to work for him. Also his reason was similar to Amanda's reason, which was basically Stockholm Syndrome. It totally makes sense. You just don't like it because you love Hoffman and wish he wasn't dead. Which he IS, the writers stated that he died in the bathroom.
In number 3, couldn't he just have used the saw to grab the phone?
ReplyThat's exactly what I was thinking.
Okay, this is my explanation for the Goblet of Fire plot hole: they make it a point that "the Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract". In my mind, I take that to mean that not competing after it chooses you would, in fact, result in death (kind of like an Unbreakable Vow). I don't know how it would define "competing", though, as not everyone succeeds in all the Tasks. I imagine you would have to be there and put forth some effort, at least. In any case, Harry would've looked like an idiot if he didn't at least TRY to do well in each Task. And I also thought of an explanation to the proposal that Barty Crouch, Jr. could've made a more convenient object (like Harry's pillow or something) a Portkey. If the Triwizard Tournament hadn't been taking place that year, Voldemort may well have tried to do that. However, he wanted to be sure that no one knew about his return, and the Triwizard Tournament was an excellent opportunity for someone to disappear and make it look like some freak accident. If the famous Harry Potter had just disappeared out of the blue, it would've aroused more suspicion than him disappearing in a dangerous competition, even considering the fact that him being selected to compete in the first place was fishy on its own. The point was that nobody (especially Dumbledore) would know for sure that Voldemort had returned or how he managed to, and the Triwizard Tournament offered a perfect opportunity to make that happen. That coupled with Voldemort's liking for grandeur and mystique make the plot a pretty reasonable one.
Replytl;dr : Magical contract makes you give your 100% for all the tasks.
Harry Potter didn't sign any contract though, it wasn't his signature that got thrown into the goblet. And I highly doubt Harry would have looked like an idiot had he refused to do a series of tasks that wasn't meant for someone of his age and state of education. Even IF nobody would've believed him that he didn't do it (sure, a magical fairy land and you don't have a damn spell to check handwriting or at least "has this item been touched by this person"?) it would've probably died off after a while as some sort of prank the famous Harry Potter did again to gain attention. Not too bad if you consider the alternative.
Technically, Harry not competing wouldn'tve solved the REAL problem, which is Voldemort's plot to kidnap him in order to use his blood to resurrect himself (and give Dumbledore the finger).
Reply"Okay, plan B. I'll get my mole, who is at Hogwarts disguised as Harry's teacher, to keep him back at the end of class and trick him into touching a random small object that is actually a Portkey, rather than using the single most conspicuous object possible in front of hundreds of witnesses after a ridiculously circuitous chain of events in which a zillion things could go wrong. I could even get my mole to use some of his massive stock of Polyjuice Potion to pose as Harry for a little while, thus confusing the details of his disappearance. Hey, that's actually simpler, more efficient and months faster. Why wasn't that plan A?"
Anti-Portkey Wards
Easiest way to get past the wards: The Doctor was posing as a trusted teacher to Harry, he could have gotten Harry to follow him willingly somewhere he could quietly Stun Harry and port him out. Like the forest or something. Or, since he turned Draco into a ferret, do the same thing and shove Potter into a sack. Boom.
OK, with The Ring, any journalist worth their salt would want to investigate why a group of healthy teenagers died suddenly and left behind bloated, rotting deformed corpses.
ReplyHell, even if they didn't and just dropped dead suddenly, again, even the laziest hack reporter would want to look into it.