6 Celebrity Health Tips (That Will Destroy Your Life)
You're not really a celebrity unless you've got a super dubious hippie-dippy side hustle. We're talking stuff like fad diets, "nutritional" supplements, holy water enemas, a 48-DVD series on the healing magic of pennies, an ensorcelled amulet that scares the evil poltergeist out of your colon when you eat too many legumes, etc. Yes, famous people will certainly bend over backwards to shill dumb crap. But what's surprising is how many of them drink their own snake oil. Here are some celebrities who believe in crackpottery so stupid that their health tips would cause an Ojai crystal healer to choke on their karma-free granola.
Steve Jobs Washed His Feet In Toilet Water (And Generally Stank Up The Joint)
If you thought the memory of Apple founder Steve Jobs couldn't be any more soiled by the fact that he more or less treated everyone he ever encountered like human garbage, then you're probably right. But get this: The dude was so gross that one of his cleaner habits was washing his gnarly feet in the toilet.
"Steve? Why is there corn all over the carpet?"
If you saw the (non-Ashton-Kutcher) biopic wherein Michael Fassbender-as-Jobs prepares for a presentation by doing said ablutions in the crapper, you probably assumed that was a bit of Hollywood hyperbole. But nope, it was simply Jobs' way of relieving stress. Combine this with his worrying aversion at wearing shoes, though, and we're guessing this habit wasn't very relaxing for Apple's janitors.
Oh, but that was but the start of his hygienically questionable "eccentricity." Early in his career, Jobs' co-workers were so disgusted at his perpetual stank that management transferred him to the night shift. It wasn't that he was afflicted by a condition that caused uncontrollable farting (though his vegan proclivities may have given rise to that issue as well), but rather that the man literally didn't bathe.
Except in the adoration of people who love waiting in lines to buy new, marginally improved products every single year.
It wasn't a passive-aggressive thing either, as Jobs is said to have truly believed that if he ate only fruits, it would somehow leave his body "flushed of mucous," thereby eliminating any need to march his grimy ass into a shower. So if you think the "fruitarian" lifestyle will make you smell like a delicious smoothie as opposed to a rank bus station hobo, people who had the misfortune of spending lengthy periods in Jobs' presence will readily confirm that you are "very, very wrong."
Shailene Woodley Worships The Sun With Her Hoo-Hah
Shailene Woodley's model good looks, acting resume, and sunny disposition have made her a favorite of moviegoers the world over, discounting parents forced to sit through Divergent. Who knows how many more fans she'd have if everyone knew exactly how sunny she lets her disposition get. In her own words, she likes to "give vagina a little vitamin D." (She's talking about sun, chuckleheads.) Woodley says she was reading studies about "yeast infections and other genital issues," as one does, when she found out about the energy-refilling benefits of "spreading your legs" and getting some solar where the sun don't shine.
Please remember to put some sunscreen down there, though, or any of the benefits will be cancelled out.
Another example of how Woodley may be confusing "free-spirited" with "deranged train yard hobo" can be seen in her disdain for hygiene. According to her, because she was cursed with "horse hair," it just works out better if she only shampoos her hair once a month and "the oilier, the better." Not for the person standing behind you in the subway, no.
Style mavens and other loons have described her as "super down-to-earth," which is evidenced by her claim that she makes her own toothpaste out of clay -- which she also eats on its own, on the advice of a taxi driver. She also makes her own cheese and "whips up most of her eco-beauty products," as well as her own medicines. Yes, she claims she " get those from doctors," preferring to select the finest wild plants crapped out by the ground in her area.
Learn more at #simple, #nourishing, #grateful, #gruesomedeathbyfungaltoxins.
Simon Cowell Enjoys Sheep Placenta Facials, Blasts His Face With Oxygen, And Gets Wrapped Up Like A Taco
Noted competition show judge Simon Cowell evidently possesses an inner ugliness so profound that it requires diligent exterior maintenance. To prevent his skull from imploding into an abyss of endless darkness, Cowell must rely on cutting-edge pseudoscience to keep his grizzled mug sullen and tight.
It's an affront to all natural laws that someone so shouty should have such baby-like skin.
Cowell's past "experiments" have included such easily-confused-with-fraternity-hazing rituals as sheep placenta facials or being locked up for 90 minutes in detoxifying machines that look like Doctor Who set pieces. He's also in the habit of taking regular blasts from a $500 aerosol can filled with pure oxygen to "rejuvenate his skin and reduce stress" -- although having to constantly worry about avoiding anyone with a lit cigarette so your silk jacket doesn't light up like a suicide vest seems like it might have the opposite effect.
If it succeeds in keeping him quiet for a few moments each day, the price tag is worth it.
And then there's one technique that sounds like a scene from a Roger-Corman-produced Fifty Shades Of Grey ripoff, so we'll let Cowell himself describe it:
Not a fake ClickHole quote. We checked.
That kind of behavior is perfectly acceptable between consenting adults, but we don't normally sugarcoat our hardcore S&M fetishes by referring to them as "detoxing." At least Cowell is upfront about his raging vanity, and admits to have "not obsessively" partaken in his fair share of Botox, which he considers "no more unusual than toothpaste." You know you're a little bit screwy when rampant goofball Howie Mandel calls you out for being a weirdo.
Alicia Silverstone Feeds Her Son Like A Mama Vulture
Ever watched a bird regurgitate a glob of mashed-up worms straight into the gaping maws of its ravenous brood? It's pretty gross, to say the least, and certainly not something most of us would ever consider emulating with our own kids, or even our parrots. Unless, of course, you're the actress who was America's sweetheart during the brief period between Clueless and Batman & Robin, Alicia Silverstone. She's apparently way into the upchuck school of child rearin', and we regret to inform you that we have the photos to prove it:
In A Clueless Christmas Carol, this is Cher's horrible fate as prophesied by the Ghost of As-If Future.
The official term for expelling chewed-up morsels into the mouth of one's infant is "premastication." It's also a traditional method of weaning in some African countries, where it's been shown to provide the exceptional benefit of transmitting deadly diseases. Shockingly, the National Institute of Health isn't such a fan, and suggests that the public at large be warned about its dangers. But hey, it's all worth it for the bonding, right?
As for Silverstone's kid, she has claimed that he's "never had a drop of medicine." She doesn't seem overly worried about that, however. Besides, who among us could be so heartless as to deny them these special moments together when "he attacks my mouth and I think it's adorable"?
Thank you for ruining the one part of Aerosmith videos that didn't seem weirdly incestuous.
Peter Thiel Is "Interested" In Injecting Himself With Blood To Become Immortal
For centuries, there have been tales of fiends who walk among us, their dark desires satisfied only through the savage bloodletting of the young and innocent. If you think that such monsters no longer exist, then gaze upon one such villain who still seeks dark pleasure in stealing away our very life's essence:
Hey, Bela Lugosi wouldn't look very intimidating with an unbuttoned polo, either.
Or that's the plan, anyway. Peter Thiel, the billionaire businessman and co-founder of PayPal, admits that he has an "obsession with warding off death," which seems reasonable for someone with more money than the GDP of Greenland. His dread of the reaper has led him to "look into" an activity that many of us would never consider on the grounds that it was too ghoulish: regular transfusions of blood taken from the (hopefully willing) bodies of young people.
"Parabiosis," the technical term for the medical atrocity mentioned above, seems to be making a comeback after having fallen out of vogue due to controversies involving animal cruelty. Oh, right: Not only does this field of study involve blood transfusions, but also the practice of sewing two creatures together to share a circulatory system. Such crude techniques have not yet been performed on humans, so there's as yet no reason to believe Thiel might be keeping a captive stable of supple teens on hand, should the need to surgically merge with one arise.
Not unless you want to get Gawker'd into oblivion, that is.
It turns out Thiel isn't a complete maniac, as some studies suggest that parabiosis actually works -- on rodents, but still. Also, you don't have to be an internet Midas to get your hands on sweet, sweet youngster blood. A company called Ambrosia LLC in Monterey, CA is looking for volunteers to do a little plasma pimping right here in the U.S., and clinical trials are underway in China and Korea. Some Silicon Valley weirdos are already rumored to spend thousands of dollars a year desecrating the veins of nubile youths, which bodes well for a balmy future ruled by cyber-Draculas.
This means Dracula 3000, famed for its vampire Coolio, was indeed a documentary.
Gwyneth Paltrow Ritualistically Burns Her Underwear, Steams Her Nethers
At this point, Gwyneth Paltrow isn't so much a movie actress as some reclusive faith healer who emerges occasionally to espouse the virtues of secreting an $88 jade egg up your vagina (and to sometimes make out with Iron Man).
"Pepper, have you seen my Infinity Gem?" "Whoops, I sold it on my website."
Fortunately, her weekly lifestyle magazine/website, elegantly titled Goop, is here for the world. It's done us the favor of corralling her wisdom all into one handy compendium / shithouse full of rats. Let us now begin with the cleansing fire for soiled underpants:
We're reasonably sure those "toxic residues" are the tacos you had the other day.
Yes, your undies carry the ghosts of your failed relationships, but don't you dare toss those skivvies in the trash. That would be denying the gods of skid marks or whatever-the-fuck their proper sacrifice:
Marshmallows not recommended, unless you like them tinged with a hint of smug self-satisfaction.
You can read about the entire ritual here. The easily nauseated should be forewarned, however, that it contains the phrase "recycling into the ethers."
So now that you've emptied your drawers and your life of any offending panty-related melancholy (and also likewise disposed of all cancer-causing bras), it's time for the next treatment: mugwort vaginal steaming. It might sound like the nastiest sort of Harry Potter fan fiction, but it's an ancient Asian therapy that we've covered in more depth here.
We're not exactly sure what's going on here, but that robot should definitely visit an urologist.
Needless to say, just because something is ancient and Asian doesn't mean it isn't based on voluminous piles of nonsense. Gynecologists warn that the risk/reward ratio leans heavily toward "Don't do that shit," but what the hell do they know? According to Paltrow, "The first time I tried v-steaming, I was like, 'This is insane'. My friend Ben brought me and I was like, 'You are out of your f**king mind. What is this? But then by the end of it I was like, 'This is so great.'" Well, we guess if it's good enough for a totally random stranger named Ben, it's good enough for you.
E. Reid Ross is the author of Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again, which is in stores now and available from Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
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